Retrieval

This time around has been significantly different.  I was not in pain.  I did not have many follicles.  I was hardly monitored.  I hardly felt any hope.

8 eggs retrieved
4 fertilized

Day3:
All four still going:
Three 8 cell
One 6 cell

Day 5:
1 3BB Blastocyst (transferred on day 5)
2 morulas

Day 6:
2 morulas did not make it
Nothing to freeze

I am nervous.  I feel nothing.  I know everyone says this.  However, after 6 pregnancies I have become very in tune with my body.  I keep praying for some type of sign.  Nothing. I have had no cramping.  None.  I always have horrible cramping at the beginning of my pregnancies.  I am taking deep breaths, crossing my fingers, and praying.  Lots and lots of praying.

Second IVF

I am currently in the midst of my second IVF.  I am convinced my new clinic is compromised of a bunch of idiots.  I know...I am not being very positive at the moment.

Protocol: Microdose Lupron Flare
Meds:
10 units of Lupron (AM and PM)
3 vials of menopur (PM)
225 units of Gonal F (PM)
23 Units Saizen (AM)
ColQ10
Vitamin D
DHEA
Prenatal
Baby Aspirin
Lovenex (will start after retrieval to replace the aspirin)
Folgard

Day 3 labs:
FSH: 9.5
AMH: .86
9 antra follicles
Not great labs at all!

After Day 2 Stims:
Estrogen: 139

After Day 5 stims:
Estrogen: 560
Follicles: 5 in the 14-15mm range, 2 around 13mm, 1 in the 8mm range

I just don't understand what is going on with my body.  Three years ago I had 20+ follies at this time.  My doctor also has me on a very high dose of meds which I don't understand.  I always thought slow and steady was the way to go.  I feel like my follies are pretty large for only being on stims for 5 days.

I have already had a phone consult with Dr. Surrey at CCRM.  That is how pessimistic I am about my situation.  And the husband will be taking a new job to help pay for all of the out of pocket expenses we will be paying if we go to CCRM.  I hate this shit. I truly hate that some of us have to go through this.  And on top of it we have to deal with freaking idiots for doctors.  I miss my clinic in Chicago.  They were amazing.  Clearly Kansas is not a hub for infertile women seeking out treatment.

I am done bitching.  Until next time.

FET Update

Of the 5 frozen embryos, only 1 made it through the thaw.  The lab claims a 98% thaw rate.  Nobody can understand or tell me how this happened.  4 "good" quality 5 and 6 day blasts all arrested.  Lots of tears were shed with the realization that our family would not be completed with our remaining embryos.

We put 1 embryo in and miscarried on 7-31-14 (Happy f'ing birthday to me).

Pretty much in shock even a month later.

Had my annual infertility labs drawn this month....FSH 9.5 and AMH .86.  Basically my body is wanting to go into menopause at the age of 34.  Again...shocked/numb.  My labs were always perfect, even a year ago.  A year ago my FSH was 3 something and AMH was 2.2.  How is this happening? 

CCRM phone consult scheduled for 10-2-14 with Dr. Surrey.  We have lost hope that any clinic can help us in Kansas City.

The two year break of not having to think about this infertility crap is over.  Just thinking every day of all the other ways that I am blessed so I do not sink back into that dark hole again.   

Second Time Around...

I can't believe it has been a year and a half since I last posted.  So much has happened.  We have moved to Kansas,  both my husband and I changed jobs, I had a myomectomy in July '13, I got pregnant naturally in September '13, I miscarried in November '13, my daughter is about ready to turn 2, and I am gearing up for my first FET!!! Whew! That is a summary of the past year and a half.

I just found myself looking up information from my IVF.  I am so glad I documented everything because I have forgotten so much.  I am currently in the estrogen priming phase of the FET.  I am suffering a horrible migraine, but other than that I am just counting down the days.  My tentative transfer date is July 14th.  We have 5 blasts left that we shipped from Chicago.  I am excited, but ever so cautious.  The odds that I will miscarry are much higher than me actually carrying a healthy baby so I have to be guarded.

I am so happy to see so many of my "blogger friends" either pregnant or have already had another baby!  So much has happened.  Congrats to those of you.  And to those of you still trying...my heart goes out to you.  I hate all of the emotional BS that goes along with treatments.  It took me two years to even think of starting treatments again because I just didn't want to go to "that emotional state" again.  It takes so much out of you.

I will try to update later.  Hugs to you all.

Playing Catch Up

I have been severely slacking on my blog.  I don't have too much time to update, but I wanted to leave you with some of my favorite Halloween pictures.  Yes you read that right...Halloween.  I am only two months behind...

I'm Still Here!

First, I just wanted to say that I am still reading everybody's blogs.  I have taken several months off from blogging, but that doesn't mean that I still don't check in on everyone!

After visiting with one of my "mom" friends back home, she told me that she regretted not writing everything down.  She now has her second baby and she told me she couldn't remember anything from her first.  That got me thinking that I needed to start blogging again!

So how are things?  Busy, busy, busy.  I just can't imagine my life without my little one.  Clara is doing wonderful.  She has quite the personality.  She loves her routine and anything outside of that routine equals a meltdown.

Routine:
7 a.m. : Wake up for the day
8: a.m.: feed then play
9 a.m. : nap until 11 a.m.
11 a.m.: feed then play
12:30 p.m.: 2nd nap for 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.
2 p.m. : feed then play
4 p.m. : nap
5 p.m. : feed then play
7 p.m. : feed then bath
8 p.m. : bed
10 p.m. : sometimes a dream feed depending on how well she ate for the day
2-3 a.m. : feed and put right back down

Sleep:
Our little one was doing so well at night and sleeping until 5 a.m., but then the 3 month growth spurt and wonder week happened.  We knew her sleeping schedule would probably change as we had been forwarned by some of our friends.

Another obstacle as it relates to sleep...Clara began rolling over from back to tummy around 10 weeks.  This was great, except that she ALSO began rolling over while being swaddled at night.  She has been in her crib since 3 weeks, and it was terrifying to look at the monitor to see her face down with her arms bound by her side.  Needless to say we quit swaddling cold turkey at 2 a.m.  Since she is still only three months, she still has her moro reflex so it is nearly impossible for her to sleep at night with her arms free.  The solution: The Magic Sleep Suit.  I am not kidding when I say that this marshmellow man looking suit has been a miricle for us.  Every mom wants to find that perfect solution to get their little one to sleep.  Well this was our solution and it works beautifully.  She naps so well in it and sleeps well at night.  We will transition her out of the suit around 9 months.

Feeding:
I really should write an entire separate post for this and perhaps I will, but I will just summarize our experience.  I have a very small supply since I have PCOS. Tried everything.  Had bloodwork to check prolactin levels, and they are at the level of a non-lactating woman.  Clara started losing weight. Then I became an exclusive pumper. Supplmented one bottle of formula a day.  Tried fenugreek, oatmeal, water, and Reglan.  Very bitter at the pump.  It sucks. The pump gets more attention than my daughter.  Now I have a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance which is making my daughter sick and giving her diaherria.  My OB thinks I am crazy for even still trying.  I realize my daughter will be absolutely fine if I have to resort to formula....probably will feel even better seeing as she won't have to deal with too much foremilk.  I wish there wasn't such a pressure for women to nurse.  It isn't always best.  People who feed their babies formula are not going to have less healthy babies as a result.  It is all BS.  Don't know how much longer I can do this.  End of story.  Can you sense my bitterness with nursing/pumping? Alright next subject...

Milestones:
I try not to get too obsessed with milestones.  I want to be able to enjoy my daughter, not stress out over every milestone met or not met.  It is all relative.  All babies are different.  I will say that the most rewarding milestone is when Clara started laughing and baby "talking".  She is such a happy baby.  My favorite moment of the day is going into her room in the morning and "talking" to her in her crib.  She will just talk away and giggle at me.  It is my favorite time with her.  I will talk to her, she will lift her eyebrows up in understanding, and she will baby talk back to me.  AMAZING :)

Hope everyone is doing well!  I will post again soon.

Clara falling asleep during her 1 month photo shoot.

Baby Clara Elise

First, I want to apologize for my absence the last two weeks.  It is so sweet that some of you were worried, and I feel awful that I haven't been able to update everyone.  My original post was way to flipping long, and to be honest the last two weeks have been somewhat of a blur (mainly due to sleep deprivation). So, I will try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

Backtracking to Tuesday July 3rd, my NST did not go well to say the least.  The baby's heart arrhythmia sounded terrible...almost every fourth beat.  Wednesday July 4th I was confirmed for a last minute c-section the following day at 10:00 a.m.

The c-section itself was pretty uneventful.  There were two OB's performing my surgery due to the possibility of heavy bleeding due to my fibroids which ended up not being an issue.  The doctors were amazing and I just want to hug both of them for doing such a great job in the absence of my entrusted OB who was on vacation.  As far as the baby goes, there was a pediatric cardiologist as well as a NICU team on hand to tend to our daughter as soon as she was born.

Clara Elise was born on July 5th at 11:16 a.m. weighing 7lbs 5 oz.  She was kicking and screaming and absolutely beautiful!  My husband was able to finally hold her after the NICU team checked her over.  The time was short lived before they took her away again.  The cardiologist wanted to perform a 24 hour EKG to eliminate the possibility of a secondary heart block.  On top of the heart issue, Clara had very low blood sugar so was put on IV fluids and fed formula every 3 hours.  The first NICU nurse allowed me to put Clara to the breast immediately, but she did not want to work for any breast milk or the lack thereof because she had already been fed two bottles of formula due to low blood sugar by the time I was able to visit her five hours after my surgery (I will save my struggle with breastfeeding and how I overcame the challenges in my next post).  It was heartbreaking to see her tiny body hooked up to all kinds of machines and an IV. 

The cardiologist met with us on Friday and delivered the great news...CLARA ONLY HAD 20 PREMATURE ATRIAL CONTRACTIONS IN 24 HOURS!!!  This is opposed to having one every four beats while inside me.  The doctor also said that there was no evidence of a secondary heart block. So needless to say I feel very good about having her when I did. I can't even explain the relief I felt.  I couldn't stop crying after receiving the news.  Now the only thing we were waiting on was for Clara's blood sugar levels to rise so that she could be released from NICU and stay with us in the hospital room.

To sum up the rest of our hospital stay, Clara was in NICU for a little over two days.  My husband came down with strep throat somewhere in the middle of that and couldn't visit us for 36 hours after starting antibiotics.  Yes you read that right.  Fucking strep throat...seriously?!  BUT, we were finally able to leave the hospital on Monday with the most precious gift ever :)

The rest of the week was met with many challenges, lack of sleep, and an overwhelming feeling that I have no idea what I am doing.  I realize that these feelings are normal.  I also realize how lucky I am, and I do not take for granted anything that I have been blessed with.  She is precious.

I am leaving you with some pictures that I have taken with my fancy pants DSLR camera that I never really used until now.  Enjoy!

Tummy time not going so well...

Proud Papa