Seriously!?

Just a heads up that this may be a profanity laced rant, but I am not going to apologize because this is my life, my blog, and this is how I roll....

Friday was an awesome day.  I decided that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself anymore.  I even went shopping for a few items for my friend's six month old (that I still haven't seen, but am definitely ready to meet).  I was in a good mood and on my way to pick up my furbaby from daycare when I decided to check facebook feeds....then the universe decided to kick me in the ass again.

One of my closest friends had a big announcement on FACEBOOK...another baby due in February.  Well...isn't that fucking fantastic. I would like to say that I was happy for her, but the truth is I was hurt and pissed. See, there are only four of my girlfriends that know of my TTC struggles and she is one of them.  I confide in her and look up to her.  For her first child I at least got a phone call.  This time I didn't get anything.  I was lumped into the "friends" who get notified via a random facebook feed.  Would it have changed how I feel? Probably not. Would it have changed the fact that I spent the next four hours in my bed crying hysterically? Probably not. But I sure as shit didn't want to find out through facebook.  Last I talked to her was a few weeks ago. She,hubs, and the kid were coming up to Chicago to visit.  Was she going to tell me then? Or, was she just too uncomfortable to tell me...hince the facebook feed? Or, better yet is she just oblivious as to how this would affect me?

I am going with the last.  This is a perfect example of how others (especially friends) have no fucking clue how I feel.  Really facebook?!  I mean I haven't even got a text, email, nothing! She had told me that she was going to try for baby #2 sometime around February.  So that would mean that she got pregnant probably within one or two cycles.  Good for her! So now that all of my married friends have kids now, they are all starting on round two.  Actually, I shouldn't even say married friends since my husband's best friend knocked up his now girlfriend on their first date and they now have a child. That is right....their FIRST DATE.  And she is seriously C-R-A-Z-Y!  How can crazy people get pregnant and not me? How can the pregnant, homeless lady that got kicked out of a bar I was walking by get pregnant and not me? How does everyone else get pregnant and actually deliver a baby except me!!!  Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if my male, neutered dog gets pregnant and not me!  Shit if I would have known that it would be this difficult to get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy, hubs and I would have had way more unprotected sex years ago.

Seriously the universe is just purposely kicking me in the ass right now.

Resolve, Weddings, and other Tidbits

Last Wednesday I finally attended my first Resolve meeting.  I got to meet some amazing women who offered great advice.  I actually felt more relaxed as we drove home.  I have been bottling everything up for far to long and it was a relief to meet other women who could relate.   I will definitely be going to the meeting in August.

This past weekend my husband and I went to a beautiful wedding. The reception was black tie optional (I had to look up what that meant because clearly I do not attend things like this often) and was held at the Trump Tower in the grand ballroom.  We NEVER get dressed up and we rarely go out these days so it was a blast!  I actually had a few..well probably more than a few... cocktails, but it was nice to just feel "normal".  There weren't even children at the wedding so I didn't have to worry about being sad. Everyone there was just out to have a good time.  The couple getting married are good friends of mine and I couldn't be happier for them.  They are perfect for each other and I wish them all the happiness to come.

Today, I had a follow up ultrasound to monitor my large cyst.  It has shrunk a whole centimeter so good news!  It is still painful but I am going to pick up running again tomorrow.  I have been going stir crazy.  Literally the past week and a half has consisted of me waking up, drinking water, going to the restroom, go to work, drink more water, restroom, water, restroom, water, long walk, restroom and bed....you get the point.  I have been trying to flush my system out, but in the meantime my life has been pretty uneventful.

We have decided on Ft. Lauderdale for our mini-vacation.  Why Ft. Lauderdale you may ask?  Well, we have already spent a considerable amount of money on all this fertility crap so we are trying to go on a cheap vacation.  Hubs used his hotel points for a spa/resort right on the beach, and he used his AA points for our flights (the only advantage of hubs traveling all the time).  We are also doing a day cruise to the Bahamas.  I am pretty excited to be able to lay on the beach, get a massage, have a few drinks, and RELAX!

I am already feeling better about our situation.  Maybe it was a blessing to just take a month of.  I have had a fun month so far and there is still much to look forward to!

Full Circle

One year ago we were excited about coming off the pill to start a family. Today, we have come full circle and I am now back on birth control. It is funny how things work out. Usually one does not think of going on birth control to GET pregnant. However, that is exactly the case for me.

Yesterday I was again excited because I had my baseline. This is usually the start of a few weeks of optimism before the disappointment sets in. Fast forward to noon...I had just finished working out at the gym when I received a phone call from the nurse. "I am sorry to have to tell you this, unfortunately you have a 26mm cyst on your right ovary. Therefore, we can not start you on clomid until it goes away. Also, since this is a large cyst, we would recommend drinking lots of water and that you refrain from twisting your torso and from exercise." It was just kind of ironic considering I had just finished my three mile run as well as working out on the ab machine (trying to get rid of the extra weight from these fertility meds!). I know this is common with clomid, but it is still disappointing. My regular OB/GYN suggested going back on birth control to help shrink the cyst, level my hormones out, and to control the endometriosis.

So here I am. I am thankful that this month should fly by. We have weddings and birthdays coming up. I am also attending my first Resolve meeting Wednesday. I am excited to finally put some faces to the amazing women I have been in communication with. I am also hoping that by going to the meetings I can get not only information, but that I can begin to address the emotional aspect of what I am feeling.  Meeting other women who feel the same way I do should help to address some of the loneliness I feel.  My husband has also decided that I deserve a break and we should go on a mini vacation for my birthday. We haven't decided between New York or a beach vacay. We are leaning towards the beach since we already live in a large city and a beach sounds much more relaxing. After all, going to Antigua last year resulted in our longest held pregnancy to date.

So, I hope everyone has a great 4th!  Praying July goes by fast. I will check in after my Resolve meeting.