Finally Ready

After a much needed break from POS (whether it is OPK's or near the end of the 2WW) and fretting over every single sympton or non-symptom, we are finally ready to pursue our options.  I am excited, exhausted, and apprehensive.  Tomorrow we will be getting a second opinion with another RE.  This was the first appointment I booked back in March...a referral from my OB/GYN. This RE has a program only for women who have re-current miscarriages.  It took this long to get in so I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea for her to look over my test results from my current RE so we can hear another opinion.  Maybe she will suggest something else.  I feel like I am cheating on my current RE.  Oh well, it can't hurt right?

Unless the RE we are seeing tomorrow has a different opinion...hubs and I are pretty set on beginning an IUI cycle starting the first week in June.  If that is not successfull, we will probably jump straight to IVF. I feel as if I have no idea what I am getting myself into, but I know I can't handle one more positive pregnancy test just to lose it days or weeks later.

On a positive note...I started acupuncture and am going weekly. To be honest, I don't really get it but if it works like some say then why not try it.  We are also heading back to Kansas this weekend.  We haven't seen our families since Christmas so I am beyond excited!!!  Hopefully the tornadoes stay away.  I have been praying for all of those poor people in Joplin, MO which is just east of my husband's hometown.  Hopefully they are able to get a break soon.

Lap

So I finally had my lap and hysteroscopy on Thursday.  The lap just confirmed what we already knew.  Five fibroids all on the outside of the uterus with the largest measuring over 6 cm.  This should not be a reason for RPL according to the surgeon.  Also, endometriosis in the cul-de-sac.  Now according to the surgeon 50% of all women have endometriosis so this shouldn't be a big deal and it is not what is causing me pain...um...I disagree.  WTF!? I just feel that her statement verifies the fact that most regular gyne's just don't know a whole lot about endometriosis.  I was told by several women to go see a true endo specialist for the exact reason that most gyne's don't know what they are talking about with endometriosis and their treatment of it.  However, considering there are only like ten such doctors, I did not want to go out of state to have surgery when I didn't know for sure if I have endo.  So this is my fault and perhaps I will regret my decision.  The good news is the hysterscopy showed no scarring from the D&C or polyps. 

I am actually feeling pretty good.  Took some pain pills the first day and watched Black Swan (which really made me trip out).  I am eating plenty of ice cream :) and just trying to prepare myself for work tomorrow.  Hopefully this anesthesia will wear off soon so I don't appear drunk tomorrow.  I have to interview several new potential employees this week and I'm pretty sure coming across as a drugged up, loopy, crazy person is not the image my company is wanting me to portray.

Happy Mother's Day (Sigh)

Today was a hard day, I'm not going to lie.  I was supposed to be going on nine months pregnant today.  I will never get to hold the babies I have lost. I do believe that women who are struggling with infertility or who have suffered multiple miscarriages often are forgotten on this day.  However, I will be remembering those women who have been tested, prodded, and some of whom have had multiple surgeries all in the hopes of having a child.

I am trying to concentrate on all the good I have.  I have a wonderful, strong mother who I look up to everyday and love very much.  I also have a wonderful mother-in-law who always lets me know she is thinking of me. Hubs has been nothing but supportive of me, especially throughout this past year.  Lastly, I am a mom to the cutest furbaby ever.  My baby definitely puts a smile on my face.  Clifton, I love you very very much!

In Memory of...

It started with a dream, a very vivid dream that I was in fact pregnant. I jumped out of bed at five in the morning and sure enough...positive.  The first month of TTC.  Wow this was easy!  Those were the days when I was naive and I didn't know any better.  Sure I knew there were miscarriages, but six other couples that we knew were all pregnant and non of them had a miscarriage. So I wrapped myself up in all of the thoughts any first time mom-to-be would think about. How would we tell our parents? How we should start decorating the spare bedroom? When is our due date?  It was our little secret for the time being and we allowed ourselves to dream of the endless possibilities...

The rest is somewhat of a blur.  I remember waking up on a Sunday somewhere in the 7th week thinking I felt great.  My symptoms disappeared. Then came the spotting a couple of days later...then the ultrasound the next week showing a blighted ovum.  After waiting in a waiting room full of pregnant women for six hours we finally were able to see the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy was non-viable.  Apparently my body didn't want to make this easy for me since it was not wanting to miscarry on its own. I opted for the D&C since the doctor said it could be weeks before I miscarried and she warned me that the medicine is not pleasant and does not always get everything out. So  D&C it was.

I never talked about it much.  It is what it is. Or perhaps this is just me trying to put an end to what could have been or that I want everyone to know I am okay.  But the truth is...this baby was a part of me.  We referred to the baby as Tadpole.  I thought how cute that a little tadpole is swimming around. All of my dreams were of a baby girl.  We will never know for sure the gender, but I believe what I believe.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about our angel baby...nor the losses that followed.  But, Tadpole was the hardest so far...because I dreamed what i wanted to dream...and did not suppress my excitement.  I was optimistic and happy.  I thank Tadpole for that...that i was able to enjoy the naivety and excitement of pregnancy with little fears...even if for only a little over two months....