Playing Catch Up

I have been severely slacking on my blog.  I don't have too much time to update, but I wanted to leave you with some of my favorite Halloween pictures.  Yes you read that right...Halloween.  I am only two months behind...

I'm Still Here!

First, I just wanted to say that I am still reading everybody's blogs.  I have taken several months off from blogging, but that doesn't mean that I still don't check in on everyone!

After visiting with one of my "mom" friends back home, she told me that she regretted not writing everything down.  She now has her second baby and she told me she couldn't remember anything from her first.  That got me thinking that I needed to start blogging again!

So how are things?  Busy, busy, busy.  I just can't imagine my life without my little one.  Clara is doing wonderful.  She has quite the personality.  She loves her routine and anything outside of that routine equals a meltdown.

Routine:
7 a.m. : Wake up for the day
8: a.m.: feed then play
9 a.m. : nap until 11 a.m.
11 a.m.: feed then play
12:30 p.m.: 2nd nap for 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.
2 p.m. : feed then play
4 p.m. : nap
5 p.m. : feed then play
7 p.m. : feed then bath
8 p.m. : bed
10 p.m. : sometimes a dream feed depending on how well she ate for the day
2-3 a.m. : feed and put right back down

Sleep:
Our little one was doing so well at night and sleeping until 5 a.m., but then the 3 month growth spurt and wonder week happened.  We knew her sleeping schedule would probably change as we had been forwarned by some of our friends.

Another obstacle as it relates to sleep...Clara began rolling over from back to tummy around 10 weeks.  This was great, except that she ALSO began rolling over while being swaddled at night.  She has been in her crib since 3 weeks, and it was terrifying to look at the monitor to see her face down with her arms bound by her side.  Needless to say we quit swaddling cold turkey at 2 a.m.  Since she is still only three months, she still has her moro reflex so it is nearly impossible for her to sleep at night with her arms free.  The solution: The Magic Sleep Suit.  I am not kidding when I say that this marshmellow man looking suit has been a miricle for us.  Every mom wants to find that perfect solution to get their little one to sleep.  Well this was our solution and it works beautifully.  She naps so well in it and sleeps well at night.  We will transition her out of the suit around 9 months.

Feeding:
I really should write an entire separate post for this and perhaps I will, but I will just summarize our experience.  I have a very small supply since I have PCOS. Tried everything.  Had bloodwork to check prolactin levels, and they are at the level of a non-lactating woman.  Clara started losing weight. Then I became an exclusive pumper. Supplmented one bottle of formula a day.  Tried fenugreek, oatmeal, water, and Reglan.  Very bitter at the pump.  It sucks. The pump gets more attention than my daughter.  Now I have a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance which is making my daughter sick and giving her diaherria.  My OB thinks I am crazy for even still trying.  I realize my daughter will be absolutely fine if I have to resort to formula....probably will feel even better seeing as she won't have to deal with too much foremilk.  I wish there wasn't such a pressure for women to nurse.  It isn't always best.  People who feed their babies formula are not going to have less healthy babies as a result.  It is all BS.  Don't know how much longer I can do this.  End of story.  Can you sense my bitterness with nursing/pumping? Alright next subject...

Milestones:
I try not to get too obsessed with milestones.  I want to be able to enjoy my daughter, not stress out over every milestone met or not met.  It is all relative.  All babies are different.  I will say that the most rewarding milestone is when Clara started laughing and baby "talking".  She is such a happy baby.  My favorite moment of the day is going into her room in the morning and "talking" to her in her crib.  She will just talk away and giggle at me.  It is my favorite time with her.  I will talk to her, she will lift her eyebrows up in understanding, and she will baby talk back to me.  AMAZING :)

Hope everyone is doing well!  I will post again soon.

Clara falling asleep during her 1 month photo shoot.

Baby Clara Elise

First, I want to apologize for my absence the last two weeks.  It is so sweet that some of you were worried, and I feel awful that I haven't been able to update everyone.  My original post was way to flipping long, and to be honest the last two weeks have been somewhat of a blur (mainly due to sleep deprivation). So, I will try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

Backtracking to Tuesday July 3rd, my NST did not go well to say the least.  The baby's heart arrhythmia sounded terrible...almost every fourth beat.  Wednesday July 4th I was confirmed for a last minute c-section the following day at 10:00 a.m.

The c-section itself was pretty uneventful.  There were two OB's performing my surgery due to the possibility of heavy bleeding due to my fibroids which ended up not being an issue.  The doctors were amazing and I just want to hug both of them for doing such a great job in the absence of my entrusted OB who was on vacation.  As far as the baby goes, there was a pediatric cardiologist as well as a NICU team on hand to tend to our daughter as soon as she was born.

Clara Elise was born on July 5th at 11:16 a.m. weighing 7lbs 5 oz.  She was kicking and screaming and absolutely beautiful!  My husband was able to finally hold her after the NICU team checked her over.  The time was short lived before they took her away again.  The cardiologist wanted to perform a 24 hour EKG to eliminate the possibility of a secondary heart block.  On top of the heart issue, Clara had very low blood sugar so was put on IV fluids and fed formula every 3 hours.  The first NICU nurse allowed me to put Clara to the breast immediately, but she did not want to work for any breast milk or the lack thereof because she had already been fed two bottles of formula due to low blood sugar by the time I was able to visit her five hours after my surgery (I will save my struggle with breastfeeding and how I overcame the challenges in my next post).  It was heartbreaking to see her tiny body hooked up to all kinds of machines and an IV. 

The cardiologist met with us on Friday and delivered the great news...CLARA ONLY HAD 20 PREMATURE ATRIAL CONTRACTIONS IN 24 HOURS!!!  This is opposed to having one every four beats while inside me.  The doctor also said that there was no evidence of a secondary heart block. So needless to say I feel very good about having her when I did. I can't even explain the relief I felt.  I couldn't stop crying after receiving the news.  Now the only thing we were waiting on was for Clara's blood sugar levels to rise so that she could be released from NICU and stay with us in the hospital room.

To sum up the rest of our hospital stay, Clara was in NICU for a little over two days.  My husband came down with strep throat somewhere in the middle of that and couldn't visit us for 36 hours after starting antibiotics.  Yes you read that right.  Fucking strep throat...seriously?!  BUT, we were finally able to leave the hospital on Monday with the most precious gift ever :)

The rest of the week was met with many challenges, lack of sleep, and an overwhelming feeling that I have no idea what I am doing.  I realize that these feelings are normal.  I also realize how lucky I am, and I do not take for granted anything that I have been blessed with.  She is precious.

I am leaving you with some pictures that I have taken with my fancy pants DSLR camera that I never really used until now.  Enjoy!

Tummy time not going so well...

Proud Papa

Pediatric Cardiologist

I wish I had a more clear picture of what is going on with our baby girl, but I still feel like I don't quite understand anything.  Last night I got about three hours of sleep before I woke up to go to the restroom.  I then refused to go back to sleep until I could feel the baby move.   Two hours later and with dawn breaking, I finally felt a couple of kicks in a row and went back to sleep.  Feeling movement has become an obsession now that I know there is something wrong with the baby.  I felt as if I was in a coma getting ready for our cardiology appointment this morning.  I don't even feel like I am alive.  The last week has been a very trying time.

"I need to call my collegue and discuss a few things. I will be right back."  This is the response we received from the pediatric cardiologist after an hour long echocardiogram.  I just sat back on the examine table and cried.  We were told at the beginning of the appointment that most likely the baby had premature atrial contractions (PAC's) which will most likely resolve on its own.  It is easy to detect and the cardiologist would have been able to tell right away.  So, I can't even explain the emotion I felt when she had to leave the room to get a second opinion.  Wasn't this supposed to be a simple diagnosis?

The conclusion...they think the baby MAY have PAC's, but there were other things going on that were characteristic of a secondary heart block.  So what is a heart block?  Well, there can be varying degrees of heart blocks that are usually found in a fetus when a mother suffers from an autoimmune disease such as lupus or Sjorgen's disease.  An individual with a third degree heart block will probably need a pacemaker for life and if found in a fetus, there is a 15% mortality rate.  Third degree heart blocks are quite serious and need immediate attention.  Sometimes second degree heart blocks can turn into a third degree heart block.  Heart blocks are very RARE.  However, since heart blocks in a fetus are usually caused by an issue with the mother, I wonder if it is safer to take the baby earlier so as not to make the condition worse?  Since the cardiologist and my doctor are not 100% sure of the issue, I did not get a real answer on this.  To me it seems ridiculous that I would wait until 40 weeks to deliver.  However, the hospital I am delivering at will only deliver before 39 weeks if the PAC or heart block turns into tachyardia (very fast heart rhythm).  The thought is that if it isn't a heart block, then the heart may still develop better in utero.  The baby will have an EKG right after birth and will be monitored.

So, the plan....NST's tomorrow, Monday, Thursday, and the following Monday again before my scheduled c-section on Wednesday.  Also, labs will be drawn on Monday to test for autoimmune disorders.  I have already been tested for the lupus anticoagulant in my recurrent loss panel and to my surprise I actually tested out of range for one of the components.  I never knew this until today while going through the labwork. Therefore, I will be tested again with a different test.  The modified plan....if my NST sounds terrible on Monday, then they will try to bump my c-section to Thursday, July 5th.  It will be performed by someone else in the practice since my OB is on vacation.  I trust my OB fully, so having someone else do my c-section does scare me.  But if we feel it needs to be done, then we will do it next week.

I don't know what to think about all of this and I apologize for this being so long.  All I can do is hope and pray that this is just PAC's and it will go away shortly after birth.  No big deal.  All the worry was for nothing.  God I pray that this is the case.  Until then, the latest our baby girl will be here is in 12 days.  I just have to trust that everything will be okay until then.

Worry

I have been super paranoid this entire pregnancy.  Obviously, my road to parenthood has not been easy.  I worry constantly because lets face it, we have had a lot of heartache.  Throughout this pregnancy I have had this constant feeling that something will go wrong.  So far all of the issues have been "me" related.  I can handle issues with me such as fibroid degeneration and contractions.  The baby has always been great.  Absolutely perfect...until now.

I am not going to go on and on about what happened because to be quite frank, I am tired.  The short of it is that after having very little fetal movement for 3 days, I whipped out my home doppler Tuesday morning to give myself that extra reassurance until my weekly NST on Wednesday.  Something didn't sound right.  The baby's heart rate kept stopping.  I changed the batteries in the doppler, shook it, checked my own heart rate, and checked the baby's heart rate again.  Thump, thump, thump, thump (silence), thump, thump (silence), thump.....My heart began racing and I decided to just finish getting ready for work.  I drank 2 big glasses of juice in hopes that the baby would wake up before work.  I would feel better if she just would start moving.  In the meantime I called to get in to my doctor ASAP.

The NST on Tuesday did not go well and neither did the one on Wednesday.  After seeking opinions out from THREE different doctors, the doctors agreed that our baby has developed arrhythmia.  The weird thing is that most arrhythmia's are discovered in the second trimester because the heart is still immature and by the third trimester or shortly after birth, the arrhythmia goes away.  In my instance, the arrhythmia did not start until after 37 weeks.  Needless to say this is not normal.  About 1-2% of all pregnancies an arrhythmia is discovered, but the majority of these are arrhythmia's that developed in the second trimester and are gone before delivery.  So I again find myself in that lonely category of not being in the majority.  It is a terrifying place to be.

I have to see a cardiologist at Children's Memorial Hospital on Friday.  I have no idea how I am going to make it until then.  I love this baby more than anything.  I am a complete mess.  I know everything can be perfectly okay.  But I can't help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something really is wrong.  And if the baby's heart structure is okay, then I may have to go through testing for such things as lupus, thyroid disease, and infections.  I am just scared.  Please pray for us that everything is okay....

 

Full Term - 37 Weeks

Well, I actually made it!  I can't believe I am full term.  At my weekly OB appointment on Wednesday I received my hospital check-in card that my office hands out in case I go into labor.  It basically has all of my lab results such as iron count, blood type, strep B results, and any complications such as fibroids.  It made everything so official for me :)


Currently my scheduled c-section is July 11th, but I am on the waiting list for the 9th.  I originally thought I was scheduled for the 9th, but apparently not!  Another surprise...I am still anemic.  I have been taking iron supplements since March.  I now have to take two iron supplements everyday.  My doctor tried scaring me by telling me I am already at a higher chance of bleeding due to the fibroids and that he hopes my iron levels increase to avoid a blood transfusion.  I would like to thank my doctor for scaring the crap out of me!!!


Our baby seems quite cozy in her home and I am not dilated at all. My contractions due to my high maintenance uterus have even died down. Therefore, unless my water breaks it really does not appear that I will start labor before my c-section.  It is quite ironic how things work out.  She wanted out desperately at 22/23 weeks and now she refuses to come out!  She sure is stubborn.  I am quite happy with her staying put until the 11th.


37 Weeks:


Weight Gain: 14 pounds


Symptoms: heartburn, nausea, difficulty in catching my breath.  Otherwise, I feel pretty good!  I might get bitch slapped for saying this... but I even slept through the night the past two nights!  I have no back pain, hardly any contractions anymore, and pretty much don't even feel pregnant.  I have no idea what is going on!  Maybe this is the calm before the storm?


What I miss: a nice big fat deli sandwich from New York Deli.  I have been craving one constantly.


Milestone: reaching full- term


Things to look forward to: having my daughter!  I guess I still look forward to my weekly NST's for the next two weeks.  She is still not much of a mover and gives me a good scare at least 2-3 times a week.


37 Weeks, 1 Day Bump Pic

C-Section It Is

I haven't been blogging much because I hate the new blogger set up.  I have noticed that my blogs are quite boring lately, but I used to write them at work when I have time.  Now, due to the new design of blogger, I can't get on blogger at work.  At night I am so exhausted, I find myself just blabbing on and on when writing posts. So I am apologizing ahead of time.

Well....so much has happened since my last blogpost!  First, I forgot to blog about my huge 32 week milestone (or perhaps I was just too lazy to)!  I was scheduled for an ultrasound for a couple of reasons.  First, my doctor wanted to make sure my placenta moved away from my cervix.  Second, I was scheduled for a growth scan due to some concerns about not gaining weight appropriately eventhough I eat like a cow, and because my doctor was worried about the fibroids crowding the baby. Everything turned out great!  The placenta has moved up and the baby was measuring at 4 pounds 5 ounces at 32 weeks (66th percentile).

However, there always seems to be some bad news.  The baby is still breeched.  Actually, the baby is in the exact position she was in at 20 weeks.  She is in a frank breech position with her butt down low, feet by her ears, head jammed up inside my right ribs, and her arms criss crossed in front of her face shielding her from any glamour shots we wanted the doctor to take :) This normally wouldn't be a problem since there is plenty of time for the baby to flip.   In my case, our baby is not flipping.  She is literally wedged between a 10 cm fibroid and an 8 cm fibroid.  She looks plenty cozy with nowhere to go.  I asked the doctor to tell me the chance she would flip.  In normal pregnancies it is 40%.  For me I was told "it isn't happening".  Another ultrasound at 34 weeks confirmed this.  She was in the EXACT position again...butt, feet, head, hands, and all.  I swear I have the most chill baby ever! Must be all that Bob Marley music I am playing her.

So, a c-section it is.  It was supposed to be scheduled for Wednesday, July 4th.  However, my doctor is out of town for the holiday so it is scheduled for Monday, July 9th.  I was hoping that our doctor would bump the c-section up a week instead of back a week, but apparently the hospital I am delivering at has a policy in place preventing any c-sections from being scheduled prior to 39 weeks.  I am not happy about a c-section and scared shitless about the probability that I will go into labor while my doctor is on vacation and a doctor I have never met will have to perform an emergency c-section.  I honestly try not think about any of it.  I have to be thankful for where I am at today.

34 Weeks 

Weight Gain: 12 pounds

Symptoms: tired, rib pain, shortness of breath, emotional, hot all the time (I wonder if this is what menopause feels like)

What I miss: A beer

Milestones: every week is another milestone!

Things to look forward to: weekly NST's, another ultrasound at 36 weeks


34 Weeks Bump Pic


Mother's Day

What really makes one a mother?
Do you physically have to give birth in order to be called a mother?
Do you have to have been pregnant before to be a mother?
Do you have to have living children to be called a mother?
I guess depending on who you ask, the answers may vary.

I know that I consider myself a mother already.  I also know that my parents made it a point to tell me how excited I must be that next year I will be able to celebrate Mother's Day.  It is a shame that I had to remind them twice in the same phone call that I am already a mother.  My three babies may not be here physically with me, but they are being taken care of, and they are hopefully looking down on me smiling as I am looking up at them.  I am not upset with my parents.  I realize that as much as they want to be there for me, the past two years have been difficult on them as well.  It is easier to just be excited about what is occurring now, and push all of the frustration and sadness aside.  Denial is just easier.

However, as I talk more and more about my emotional pain and struggles over the last almost two years, something amazing has started to take place.  Understanding and true empathy.  I had one of my closest friends come over last week.  She has always been a very dear friend to me, but in the past year and half, infertility has driven a wedge between us which we are trying to overcome.  She and her daughter stopped by for a play date with gift and card in hand.  She got me a Mother's day card for those awaiting a baby, but it was what she said before I opened the card that choked me up.  "Now I know you are already a mother...".  I don't know why this was so important to me, perhaps my hormones are completely out of control.  However, she was the first one from the non-infertility world to recognize that and it meant a lot.

Today is a hard day for a lot of my friends.  Either they are remembering what could have been, or they are mourning what they don't have but long for.  I think about and pray for each of them.  I am somewhere in the middle, and it is still difficult. I ask that if you know someone suffering from infertility or loss, that you remember them today as well.  You may not realize how much it truly means to them that you have recognized them on this day as well.

30 Weeks

I can't believe we only have 10 weeks left!  I have been in complete nesting mode.  I have started on the nursery, but there is still a ton of work to do.  Since I am still apprehensive about completing the nursery, I have decided to start redecorating our living/dining space instead.   I don't know what I was thinking.  Anyways, back to my post...

30 Weeks

Weight Gain: 12 pounds

Symptoms: round ligament pain, fatigue, heartburn, constant braxton hicks contractions

What I Miss: Sleep, sleep, and more sleep

Milestones: actually being able to feel parts of the baby whether it is the head or butt (can't tell which) pushing out on my stomach, buying some big ticket items such as infant car seat and stroller/bassinet, and passing both NST's

Things to look forward to: ultrasound in two weeks!

Two weeks ago, we ended up having to go see our doctor due to lack of movement.  I didn't think it was a big deal, but the nurse freaked me out when I called and basically yelled at me.  So in I went for a non-stress test and my first diet coke in 7 months ;)  Everything is apparently fine.  Our baby is just out of room because of these damn fibroids.  I have also been lifted off any bedrest or modified bedrest.  Actually, I was told to begin walking everyday to see if the baby's head will surpass my fibroid.  Basically the large fibroid is blocking my birth canal. This just means more ultrasounds for me! As much as this fibroid has caused me problems such as pre-term labor, it appears that the fibroid is also preventing me from dilating.  It is ironic how things work.  I will leave you with a 30 week pic.  (I apologize for the pink wife beater.  I truly have no idea what I was thinking wearing this shirt in my first pictures, but I am just trying to keep it consistent.  I really do dress better than this.)

Don't Ignore...us

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I have decided to dedicate a post to NIAW's "Don't Ignore Infertility" campaign.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.  Those 1 in 8 could be your sister, brother, daughter, son, best friend, the person standing next to you.  There is a good chance you may not even know, because infertility is an invisible disease.  This makes it easy for others to ignore or dismiss our pain, emotions, our struggles.  However, we are here and we do matter.

Don't ignore that this is a disease.  We who suffer from infertility are told to "just relax" and it will happen.  Infertility is not cured by "just relaxing".  We don't just get pregnant by trying the first month and delivering a baby 40 weeks later.  It is not easy for us.  About 85%-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures and there is no guarantee that they will work.

For those who suffer from infertility, don't ignore your own strength.  We should recognize our own resilience.  To the woman who has had countless fertility treatments with no positive outcome...to those who have had loss after loss with no baby to show for it...to the couples who wake up everyday and think that they can't take any more heartache...you are stronger than you may think.

And to those who may know me personally... please don't ignore me.

Don't assume that since I am now expecting a daughter that I am somehow "cured"...

Don't ignore what I went through...

I was in pain...

I had almost lost hope...

I was scared...

I struggled...

I cried...

I spent countless hours having blood drawn and ultrasounds...

I have had multiple surgeries...

I have had my hopes lifted and then in the same instant crushed...

I have watched others around me have their first child...their second...

As I watched time slip by one second at a time...

I have gained friends, but lost many more...

My marriage has been tested, but it is now more solid than ever...

I have scars on my heart from my previous three losses...

Scars that will always ache...

I wake up every morning and think about how I got where I am right now...

My journey will continue...

The experiences are forever etched into my soul...

Please don't ignore me...for I am 1 in 8.

Home Sweet Home

I had such a great trip back home!  I know I say it all the time, but I truly miss my family and friends.  Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago too, but Kansas is just home for me.

First I will get to the wedding which is what brought us back to Kansas in the first place.  Our good friends finally tied the knot. They already have a son together so this has been a long time coming.   It was a gorgeous wedding and it was so nice to see our friends.  I have to admit is was quite entertaining watching everyone get trashed.  I was pretty much chair bound the entire night, but trust me it is in everybody's best interest that I stay off the dance floor anyways.  I had every intention of taking lots of pictures, but once 8 p.m. rolled around I was ready for bed.  I did manage to make it until ten which I was definitely proud of.

The other half of our visit was traveling around visiting various family and friends.  Now, I must note that I did not have a baby shower due to the fact that I was unsure if I was going to be able to travel later on in pregnancy.  I did have a girlfriend in Chicago offer to throw me a shower, but considering most of my closest friends do not live here and the fact that the two that do are either awkward around me or still have yet to even congratulate/be happy for me, I decided it would be kind of ridiculous to have one here.  Therefore, I was fairly surprised to make out quite well in the gift department this weekend.  Honestly, I was not expecting anything.  I thought maybe I would get some gifts here and there from friends whom I have given baby gifts to, but that has not been the case.   Instead, I had people who hardly knew me giving us gifts.  I was shocked and beyond thankful.  The weekend was like a walking baby shower.  Perhaps everyone thinks I am a charity case, but I think that we just have good people in our lives :).  I have to admit it has been difficult shopping for anything since I am either on bed rest or modified bed rest.  So, I am forever grateful and truly blessed that people actually thought of us.  Hugs to you all!

Also, I am working on my blog post for Infertility Awareness Week.  Should have it posted later this week. 

Since I don't have any wedding pics, I thought I would give a sneak peak of one of the best presents of the weekend. (By the way I have been a die hard Jayhawks fan since I was in grade school, and yes, I did attend the University of Kansas...go hawks!)  Isn't this precious :)

3rd Trimester- 28 weeks!

Holy S&#T  Did I really make it this far already!?  And seriously has it already been three weeks since I blogged?  Ugh....

I have yet reached another milestone that I honestly never even let myself imagine.  I am so truly thankful for each and every day that I am pregnant.  It has been a scary journey thus far, but I can finally see the homestretch.  Every OB appointment my doctor smiles and says "You made it another week...now just get to 32 weeks.  Nothing less".  My doctor has it set in his mind that I will probably go into labor around 32-34 weeks.  I joke with him that the more he says that, the more likely I am to be one of those women that goes 2 weeks past their due date and has to end up being induced :)  I am probably the only woman that would honestly be happy with that for I want my baby girl to bake as long as she can.

28 Weeks

Weight Gain: 10 pounds

Symptoms: heartburn, sore ribs, tired, back/fibroid pain

What I Miss: not having back/fibroid pain

Milestones: passed gestational diabetes, making it to my third trimester, starting the nursery

Things to look forward to:  finishing the nursery, waking up every morning and feeling her kick

I did find out I am apparently anemic.  I have been taking a daily iron supplement which isn't too bad.  I also ended up on bed rest again due to a second round of fibroid pain.  Not nearly as bad as the first time, but I certainly do not wish to relive the experience for a third time.

My husband and I are heading to Kansas for our friends wedding this weekend.  I am super excited that I will actually get to socialize with people!  My OB warned me two weeks ago that he most likely would not let me go.  However, yesterday I had yet another wonderful cervical check and he seemed comfortable clearing me for the trip.  It is only an hour flight and we will be gone 3 days, not a huge deal.  I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends. 

First pic

Wednesday I rode the subway home with my pregnant neighbor.  As we walked backed to our condo, I couldn't help but notice that she was adorably cute with a big round belly.  I was jealous, so jealous.  She is three weeks behind me and she looked so cute.  There is nothing that I want more than to finally be able to walk around with a big baby bump to show the world that I am in fact pregnant.  After almost two shitty years of trying to have a baby, I want to be able to look the part.  Not only do I want to look the part, but I want to feel confident that there is in fact a baby in there and the baby is healthy and growing.

Up until now, there really hasn't been much for me to show.  Well, I think there is finally enough there for me to take a belly pic at exactly 25 weeks.  It is hard to believe that a viable little girl actually lives in my tummy right now, but rest assured she is in there and measuring in the 58th percentile!  I wanted at least one shot to document my journey (mainly for my own memory).  I plan on posting one more closer to my due date when I am hopefully really round and plump.

25 WEEKS

And just for fun...I came across the next picture on my phone which happens to be of my adorable little furbaby. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with my blog post, but I couldn't resist! He pretty much got shaved the other day because he was so matted.  He has been shivering ever since so we got him this cute sweater to wear.  We usually don't dress him in outfits, but seriously he is 5 pounds and so cold! He is cuddling up in my snoogle pregnancy pillow which he thinks is his :)



24 Weeks

First, I wanted to say that I am feeling much much better.  My last bout of fibroid degeneration pain was about four days ago.  When I am not in pain, I feel like a new woman :).  I am currently on "modified bedrest" which means I can go to work when I don't feel as if I am dying, and then I get to be a couch potato.  I went back to work Monday, which was rough, but since then I have been doing okay.
 
24 Weeks

Weight Gain: 7 pounds.  I fully expect this to pick up now that I can no longer work out and since I am not in as much pain!

Symptoms:  Hungry, backache, and fibroid pain.

What I Miss:  Sleep and working out

Milestones: Viability and seeing my tummy move from the kicks

Things to look forward to:  Decorating the nursery.  We have a painter coming and plan to have our furniture delivered in the next couple of weeks.  I have also ordered custom bedding for a super low price which is being delivered.


I am excited for this weekend. We have friends that live out in the burbs and they are coming into the city this Saturday to celebrate.  We are going to grill out, the men are going to have some drinks, and us ladies are going to find something fancy and non-alcoholic to sip on.  I just found out last week they are expecting as well.  I am super excited for them.  It is amazing to me when I look back at last summer and where we both are today.  They came up for my birthday last year and we attended the Southport Festival.  I specifically remember having a conversation about four bars in and at 2 a.m. about how we both were so frustrated that we weren't pregnant yet...if I remember right it may have turned into a bit of a pity party.  And now, here we BOTH are currently expecting.  Their doctor is pretty sure they are having a boy, although it is too early for them to tell for sure yet.  My friend said she is writing up a "marriage contract" for our future babies.  Kinda cute joke :).  Anyways, it will be nice for me to have some human interaction with good friends and hopefully some nice weather...oh, and NO contractions (crossing my fingers)!

Day 8 of Hell

Last night, I reached the realization that I really don't know how much more pain I can take.  I want to educate everyone out there on fibroid degeneration.  It is HELL!  Imagine someone running a knife through your spine and stabbing you continuously in the back...over and over and over again. And imagine this going on for days with no end in sight.  A morphine drip would  be heaven right now.

I am honestly not trying to whine.  I imagine what other women have gone through and who aren't able to carry a child.  However, I am human.  There is only so much any person can take.  To say that I am not severely depressed and under extreme distress is an understatement.

My parents arrived in town yesterday.  It has been nice having someone wait on me hand and foot since my hubby has to work.  My mom stayed up with me the entire night as I bawled hysterically.  On the floor on all fours, arching my back, rocking back and forth to relieve the pain, my mom sat there all night massaging my back as I screamed in pain.  Yes, this has been my life for the past 8 days, minus the personal massage therapist (my mom).

Another week down.  23 weeks....viability.  Now I know many women may strive for that 23/24 milestone, but my milestone is 36 weeks.  As I sat in the OB Triage at Northwestern Hospital Monday morning while the doctors tried to get my contractions under control, we had a pretty frank conversation with the doctor.  If I gave birth at 23/24 weeks, there would still be little chance that our daughter would make it.  If our daughter did make it, there was a 90% chance she would have some sort of disability.  Very grim outcome.  So, that leaves me with no other choice than to hang on for as long as possible...bedrest, pain and all.  And if bitching is the only thing that makes the pain slightly more manageable, then by all means I am going to bitch.

Scared

It was just over two weeks ago that I blogged that I finally felt this was real.  This was going to happen...I was going to have a baby.  It took me 20 weeks to finally feel that way, and I feel that in a matter of hours that joy, relief really, has been taken from me.

This past Thursday at exactly 22 weeks, began like any other day.  Work, gym during lunch, go back to work, and made plans to meet up with a friend after work.  Looking back, there were clear warning signs that something was happening.  However, being that I have never made it this far in a pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal.  I chalked up the back pain to just being pregnant.  I mean afterall, that is normal right?  I chalked the abdominal pressure to the baby possibly shifting and kicking me "down there" causing lots of pressure.  Again, no big deal, my baby is breached.

Like I said, I met up with a friend for dinner and to play with her adorable baby girl.  My husband was on a flight to Ohio, his first overnight trip in months.  As the evening went on I started  to become increasingly uncomfortable.  As my friend and I had dinner I started having some gas pains.  Nothing worrisome, just annoying.  As I walked to find a cab afterwards, I noticed that I was having unrelentless Braxton Hicks.  It was pretty difficult to walk, but I managed to flag down a cab.  When I got home I still was not too concerned and just began chugging water to hopefully relieve the Braxton Hicks.

Fast forward to 3 a.m., I was still suffering from unrelentless Braxton Hicks and the back pain began coming in waves, spasms.  My back felt like it was on fire.  As if things couldn't get worse, the gas pains became so bad that sometimes it was hard to catch my breath.  Maybe the sleep deprivation played some role at this point, but I was 99% sure I had caught an intestinal flu and that it was just causing me to contract.  I spent the rest of the night rocking back and forth, crying and cursing at my husband for traveling, praying for these gas pains and Braxton Hicks to ease up until I could get into the doctor the next morning.

I wobbled into work (with no intention of actually working) and called the doctor right away.  Now I know some are probably wondering why I even went to work.  Well, my doctors office is four blocks from my office so I was going to have to go downtown anyways.  Also, I wanted to be around people.  By this time I was pretty freaked out.  Remember, my husband is out of town and I live in Chicago where the nearest family member is in Kansas City. I didn't go to the ER because lets face it...I have made three trips to the ER in the past two years due to miscarriages and endometriosis pain and all three times they did nothing.  I didn't want to go to the ER if I only had the flu. 

Anyways, I finally got into the doctor around noon (yes it took that long).  I must have looked ridiculous as my doctor walked in.  I was drenched in sweat, no makeup, puffy eyes, and gripping the side of the exam table for dear life.  It took him less than a minute to give me the bad news that I in fact did not have the flu.  I was having full blown contractions.  He immediately checked my cervix to see if I was dilated.  Thank god I have a super star cervix and it was solid.

I will cut right to the point, my fibroids are degenerating. This means that the fibroids are so big that they have cut off their own blood supply.  It causes severe pain, contractions, and can lead to preterm labor if not managed appropriately.  I had been warned of this and it was something my doctor was concerned about.  I was put on medicine for the next 48 hours to stop my contractions and am on complete bed rest.  Monday I have another cervical ultrasound and my doctor will decide what to do from there. If I have menstrual-like cramping at all during this weekend then I am to go in to L&D immediately because that pain most likely means your cervix is being affected.  Hopefully this is avoided because the last thing I want to do is spend the next several months on bed rest in the hospital.

I am only a little over 22 weeks.  I am pretty scared.  My doctor even appeared a little nervous which is unlike him.  I am going to take it day by day.  As I type this blog, I am still having contractions, although the severity has decreased significantly.  For some reason I just feel as if this will all turn out okay.  I don't know how I know that, but it is just a gut feeling I have.  Degeneration can last for a couple of weeks so I am just praying that this passes soon and that our little girl remains healthy.  Who knows, maybe this medicine will work and by Monday I will be back to normal.  As long as my cervix stays solid, then the doctor said the contractions shouldn't bother the baby other than making her a little crankier than normal.  I guess this is a plus for me since I have been feeling her non-stop since Thursday...which I love by the way, even if it means she is cranky :)

Reality

This past weekend was absolutely beautiful and sunny.  As I was walking along the sidewalk in the sun I noticed a shadow.  At first, I turned around to see who was following me.  See, the shadow was someone who was clearly pregnant.  It took me a second to realize that the shadow was me.  For some reason this small instance of seeing my shadow was the moment in time that I finally realized that this may actually happen!  The connection was finally there.  The connection between my daughter and I that I had so longed for up until this point.  Not that I didn't love my baby before, but I would not allow myself to be excited yet.  I didn't quite believe....it is all feeling so real now.

I have to admit that I feel a bit guilty that I can continue to talk about my pregnancy especially after what my friend has endured which is probably why I haven't blogged in some time.  I was quite affected by her loss.  However, I decided long ago that I was going to do this.  Good or bad I was going to document my infertility struggle which would hopefully end up being a pregnancy blog and a future baby blog.  So hear goes:

20 Weeks

Weight Gain: 6 pounds.

Baby Bump: Yes! Finally! I do have a small bump, although still quite low.

Maternity clothes: I have bought one pair of maternity jeans and one pair of dress pants.

Symptoms:  heartburn/acid reflex, cramping, and I am still getting bloody noses.  I have also started to get hungry....as in I feel like I am starving all the time.  Bring on the weight gain!

Milestones: We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday.  Everything looked good as far as they could tell.  The placenta is extremely close to my cervix so I will be getting rescanned in four weeks to make sure that the placenta has moved up.  Otherwise, I could get placenta previa and end up on bed rest (yuck!).  Also, I think the baby had a choroid plexus cyst which I think are fairly common, but I still get nervous.  Again, my rescan in four weeks will hopefully show that this has gone away.

Things to look forward to: Finally looking at baby items.  I am trying to get through the Baby Bargains book before doing so.  I finally picked out custom bedding/fabric that I love and am pretty much going to plan the nursery around that.  Still haven't bought anything baby related yet though.

I continue to feel blessed everyday.  I had dinner with my Resolve 2 girls last night.  It is always fun seeing pictures of their babies and listening to their advice.  They all give me hope that I will have a beautiful, happy baby even after everything I have been through, because they have all been through the same.  My husband and I are also going to dinner with our friends who lost their babies (see previous post).  I can't wait to see her and give her a big hug!!!  I think about her everyday and continue to pray that in time her heart is able to heal, although never forget....as I wish for all the other women out there dealing with infertility or loss.

Heartache

I know I have been asking my followers to pray and keep in their thoughts my friend who has been in the hospital due to complications in her pregnancy. Unfortunately, Sunday morning she lost her babies.  I wasn't going to write about it, and I still am not because it is not my story to tell.  However, I also can't ignore the significant impact the turn of events have had on me.

Miscarriage and loss brought us together and to our surprise we both became pregnant at the same time.  She was my buddy...always the optimist calming my fears whenever I became scared shitless about this or that.  She knew my secret before anyone else and I knew hers.  To me, she always came across as this symbol of strength for which I often strived for.

After getting the news yesterday, everything I had set out to accomplish for the day seemed meaningless.  I felt lost, alone.  I felt angry and sad.  A couple of times throughout the day I found myself wondering to our bedroom just so I could get away and have a good cry.  I just needed some time to mourn for my friend and her precious babies.

There is nothing fair about it.  Life is a pile of crap sometimes and there is no logical reason for things.  It just doesn't make sense.  The more I try to make sense of everything, the more frustrated I become.  I can say that I refuse to lose my faith.  My friend will one day take home a child, and she will be such an absolutely amazing mother, just as she has been such an amazing mother for all of the beautiful babies she has carried thus far.

Please just keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers.  Let her find peace and resolve.  Pray that she can mourn, but never give up hope.

17 Weeks

This week was a BIG week for us!  On Sunday we found out the gender of our baby and it is a....GIRL!!!  Hubs and I were ecstatic.  Of course we would have been entirely happy with either a boy or a girl.  The hubs has been so cute all week.  He is a guys guy, and just to see his excitement about having a daughter almost makes me cry.  It has been a good week :)

Sunday we also came out with our secret that we are expecting.  The day was full of texts and phone calls to our closest friends and family.  I could genuinely hear the excitement and relief that most of my friends expressed with our news.  Many were just praying that the no news meant good news and that the IVF was successful.  I still have a few friends to reach out to.  Again, we are blessed to have such good people in our lives.

17 Weeks

Weight gain: 4-5 pounds

Baby bump: definitely rounded out finally

Maternity Clothes: No

Symptoms: headache, headache, headache....did I mention headache?  And the dreaded growing cramps.

Milestone: finding out that we are having a daughter.  The beginning of "flutters".  I at first thought it was gas or muscle twitching a week ago.  Now, there is no mistaking that I am feeling the beginning movements of our baby.

Things to look forward to:  My bi-weekly ultrasound which will be next Wednesday.  Also, our anatomy scan in three weeks.  I pray that everything is perfect.

I continue to pray each and every day that I am able to keep this baby inside me.  Hopefully I will have good news from my doctor next week that the baby still has plenty of room.  I know that as the baby is growing, so are my five fibroids.  There is only so much room.  7 more weeks until viability and then every week thereafter will be another milestone.  I love our baby girl more than I ever thought possible.  I can not and will not fail at bringing this beautiful girl into the world.

16 Weeks

What a week!  Before I post, please continue to pray for my friend.  It sounds as if she is doing better, but she will be in the hospital for a while and still has many obstacles to overcome.

16 Weeks

Weight gain: Still at 4 pounds.  I am okay with that.

Baby bump: No bump but I now have to safety pin my pants.  Oh, one of my lovely fibroids has decided to surface causing a big lump on my left side.  It's so hot.

Maternity clothes: Not yet.

Symptoms: Honestly I have felt really great this week.  Again, the fibroid on my left side causes some pressure, but  nothing too alarming.  Hopefully it stays that way.

Milestone: I received my first baby gift :).  My mom shipped me a hand made baby quilt (gender neutral) that is absolutely adorable!  I will post a pic later tonight.

Things to look forward to: We have our gender scan this weekend.  We have not decided when we will share the news on whether our baby "it" is a he or she.  I guess we have to tell people that we are pregnant first!  I plan on telling my close friends that we are expecting on Sunday and my coworkers on Monday.  My coworkers are going to hate me due to me taking three months of maternity leave, especially during a quarter-end, and during the summer.  Lucky me...not so lucky for my coworkers :).  Nobody in my group has kids so this will be a first.  Therefore, I am bringing in cupcakes to soften the blow.

Where is my brain?

I am going to start this post out by saying that yesterday was a hard day.  One of my good friends is in the hospital with complications in her pregnancy.  She has just began her second trimester.  She will be in the hospital for a while, and I hope everyone can pray for her and for her babies.  It is a constant reminder to me that us infertiles or those that have suffered losses never feel safe.

So anyways, I was a little frazzled dealing with some urgent family matters with my husband's side of the family along with the news of my friend, so my head just really wasn't in the right place.

First, I entirely blew off a meeting at work.  It was on my calender and the reminder even popped up.  I even remember clicking the "dismiss" on the reminder, but for some reason I didn't pay attention.   I have no idea how I missed this.  I wasn't even busy.  I was on the Internet reading about crib safety!  I mean what excuse was I supposed to tell my boss?!

Second, it was a busy day and so I offered to help out another coworker.  After telling my coworker I would take some of his accounts, I then walked back to my desk, began surfing the Internet and texting with my friend, and I completely forgot to do my coworkers work that I promised I would do.  It was so embarrassing!

Lastly, I was walking to the subway after work and had to take a detour to find a public restroom.  I have been chugging water lately and even though I went pee before I left, it took a whole four minutes later on my walk to the train before I had to go again!  So I was in this new mall thingy called Block 37 in downtown Chicago wandering around like an idiot trying to find a bathroom.  I finally found one (by the way...pregnant lady + oversized, bulky down puffer coat + trying to take a tinkle = entertainment) and then tried to figure out how the heck to get out of the building to the subway.  Needless to say this was not my normal route.  All was well and I get on the subway.  After a couple of stops I noticed that the train was fairly empty.  This was strange because usually it gets more and more packed.  At the next stop I noticed that I was going the wrong flipping way!  I was somewhere on the south side of Chicago when I needed to be going to the north side. This happened one other time, but I was new to the city and didn't know which direction was which.  There is no excuse this time...no excuse.

So ladies...I have heard of the term "pregnancy brain".  I am not sure if I should be diagnosed with such, but it does appear to fit the above situations.  Too bad we can't receive disability for this?  I mean, I hope I don't become a hazard to my job or self. Best case scenario, hopefully I don't get fired from my job or lost in the city.  There is no telling where I may end up.

15 Weeks

I had a very lovely dinner with the Resolve ladies last night.  It is so nice to see familiar faces and to get hugs from the ladies and encouraging words from those whom I don't feel like I need to explain anything too.  I also received some wonderful tips from breast feeding to what I should be eating right now.  I am so lucky that a group has been created in my area for those suffering from infertility that are now expecting.  It is a tough place to be because you don't really feel as if you fit anywhere.  Most pregnant women don't understand, but it is also not right to ask for support from those that may still be in that dark, unknown hell while TTC.  Anyways, back to my post....

15 Weeks:

Weight Gain: 4 pounds (probably from those damn chocolate cupcakes I intended to bring into work but never did)

Baby bump: Not sure if what I have is qualified as a small bump.  I just look like I have eaten too many cupcakes...which I have.

Maternity clothes: Not yet

Symptoms: Nosebleeds, stuffy nose, and constant feeling of having to pee

Milestones:  My first adventure into a baby store.  I have also been given clearance to work out again.  No running (sad), but I am allowed to do a low impact workout and gradually increase my activity over time.

Things to look forward too:  Researching ideas for the nursery. Gender scan countdown has begun...10 days left.


Dr.'s Followup: I also had an OB appointment Wednesday.  I was checked for a bladder infection due to the constant need to pee.  However, upon further discovery, it appears as if my uterus has not flipped due to my fibroid.  Usually if you have a retroverted uterus it will flip before week 14.  However, my fibroid is so large and heavy that it is causing my uterus to not cooperate.  As long as I can continue to go to the bathroom (both ways if you know what I mean), then it should not cause a problem.  If it does cause an issue, my OB will have to manually flip me, and I may need a catheter for some time.  By all means this does not sound like a pleasant experience!  I have a follow up in 3 weeks for a cervical check as well since my uterus is measuring 22 weeks.  This means that when my uterus does flip, I will basically look like I am carrying twins. Thank you Mr. Fibroid.

What are YOU doing here?!

I have been so busy with work so haven't been able to post!  Thank you for the comments and emails from my last post.  To follow up 1) my mom called me this weekend and basically kissed my behind.  I think she feels bad about what she said, so I am just going to let it go.  She is my mom and I love her. 2) Regarding my friend issue, one of you emailed me and pretty much were right on point.  The caddy and cliquish behavior became boring in high school.  Why would I want to be part of that? Done...over.  Wish I had closure, but you don't always get what you want.  Tough shit.

So, I have quite an interesting story from this weekend.  First, I have done absolutely no shopping for the baby.  A matter of fact, I had not even looked online for ideas or anything.  Since I had such an abundance of energy this weekend (thank you 2nd trimester!) I decided to do some research on nursery items, primarily furniture.  The hubs and I decided to go to the closest "Pea and the Pod" to browse.  I was terrified of this outing because I did not want to bump into anyone.

We did not even make it through the front door before hearing "What are YOU guys doing here?!".  Seriously, what are the chances I would actually see somebody I know...and out of all people it was our downstairs neighbors.  Lord!  After looking like a deer in headlights and much stammering, I managed to blab that I am 14 weeks, that this was our first shopping excursion, and I was terrified of seeing someone because we haven't told anyone.  This seemed to confuse our neighbors seeing as she is 11 weeks and they have told almost everyone and they have already done a ton of shopping.  So naturally I felt I had to explain myself and told her my quick back story.  They seemed very surprised seeing that I practically see/talk to these people everyday and they had no idea the long, complicated, and often depressing journey we endured.  It actually felt refreshing to get it off my chest.

So, to sum it up our neighbors who we are friends with are expecting their first baby as well.  She is three weeks behind me.  It will be nice to experience this journey together.  We are planning on getting together for dinner to celebrate.  It is also nice to know that hubs and I will not be the only ones pissing off all the rest of our neighbors with a crying baby (we live in a small condo building consisting of six condos, five couples, a single drunk dude, two dogs, and zero children...as of now).  Our neighbors also made a good point...a nanny share.  I have never thought of this before because I always wondered how you find someone to share a nanny with.  Well, this may be our solution.

I will post a weekly update later this week after my doctor's appointment.  I hope everyone is doing well!

Resentment

Well ladies, I don't usually do this but I may actually be asking for some advice.  I have kept this blog private from my friends and family on purpose.  Because of that, I have the advantage of talking about them without hurting their feelings.  Anyways, I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog or will even comment...but hey...maybe just writing down how upset I am will make me feel better.  I have read similar posts and heard similar stories during my Resolve meetings (especially about my "friend" issue) so I can't possibly be the only one that has ever experiences this. So, be prepared for this psychological purging of emotions I am about to share :)

Issue # 1
My RE put me on a daily baby aspirin regime ever since I tested positive for MTHFR (compound hetero- one bad copy of each gene).  I was to continue this regime to prevent blood clots along with taking perscription prenatals in order for my body to be able to absorb folic acid.  I was to stop the baby aspirin at 30 weeks if I became pregnant, and then begin back up 2 weeks after delivery.  There have not been alot of studies on MTHFR and there are many different theories regarding the treatment.  With that being said, my RE thought better to be safe than sorry.  Baby aspirin and extra folic acid will not hurt.  My OB on the otherhand wants me to stop taking the baby aspirin at 13 weeks.  He was also unfamiliar with MTHFR.  Since my 13 week doctor appointment was cancelled with him, I am waiting on a phone call still so I can discuss this further with him.

My mother is a medical technologist at a hospital and works directly with hematologists.  She has taken it upon herself to tell the hematologist about my pregnancy and that I am taking baby aspirin.  I received a phone call from my crazy mother telling me that she doesn't think I should be taking the baby aspirin because it will cause a brain hemorrhage in the baby thus killing it.  I am not kidding...this is the conversation I had with my mom.  This hematologist is from freaking Kansas, has never met me, does not know my history, and probably hasn't even heard of MTHFR.  I was so upset that I told my mom she had no right to inform me of this.  I trust my RE and will get another opinion from an OB if mine still argues with me regarding the baby aspirin.

I am so resentful that my mother would even get in my business when she has no idea what she is talking about.  I never asked her for her opinion.  I am so upset with her and can't even bring myself to talk to her at the moment.  For you IFers, are you taking baby aspirin for a blood clotting disorder or MTHFR?  If so, when did you stop taking it?


Issue # 2
I have a friend that lives in Chicago who I have been friends with for 12 years.  We met in college, became college roommates, then coworkers, and always very good friends.  Our lives always seem to bring us together.  She moved to Chicago a month after I did.  Anyways, long story short...we don't talk anymore.  I suffered my first loss halfway through her first pregnancy.  I suffered my second loss a couple of days before her small Chicago baby shower that me and another friend put on, and actually passed everything (meaning the remains of a sac/embryo) the night before.  I suffered my third loss a couple months after she gave birth to her daughter.  Needless to say, I could not bring myself to meet her baby until her baby was six months old.  She was the only friend I even told about my miscarriages because I felt like I needed to explain myself, not really because I even wanted to.  After all, I didn't tell anyone.

After I finally met her baby, I was fine.  I was so scared prior to meeting her child because I was not sure how I would handle it.  I didn't want to breakdown.  Once I realized that I could be "normal" around her baby and not an emotional mess, I thought perfect...things could be like they were...just +1.  That is not how they turned out.  I think that my friend felt frustrated because she knew my struggles to conceive, but I never wanted to talk to her about it.  I just wanted a friend that I could hang out with and be "normal" with and NOT talk about my struggles.  I mean my whole life revolved around my struggle to conceive.  I think that is why I enjoyed work so much because I could just feel "normal" and nobody knew what I was going through and it was if my struggles to conceive didn't exist.

I quickly realized that she had time for her other friends, but not me.  That was fine.  I honestly thought to myself "I deserve this" "why would she want to hang out with me, I am pathetic".  Those feelings of self-loathing soon turned into pure hurt and anger.  To top it off, a bunch of mutual friends that we met in college were coming up to visit my friend along with another girl who we know in Chicago as well.  I learned that everyone was going to get together and go to dinner, etc.  Nobody told me about it.  I was completely left out on purpose.  These are friends that I have known for years and haven't seen in quite a while.  I live TEN minutes away and nobody thought to invite me or tell me about it.  I felt as if I was being punished for going through a difficult time.  This all happened the month before my IVF.  It was one of the hardest months that I have gone through.

In that moment, I quickly realized that I thought of her as a much better friend than she thought of me.  I decided to tell her how I was feeling.  She explained to me she thought it would make me uncomfortable since her child would be there...you know the child I have already met.  Her excuse made NO sense to me and pissed me off more.  The fact is either 1) she just didn't want me there, or 2) she felt uncomfortable.  Either way it was a pretty shitty thing to do.  I felt she was extremely selfish.  I just needed a friend!  I have never even had a conversation with her about all the uncomfortable things I have gone through to even make her feel uncomfortable! The worse part is that she is not a mean person.  So why has she been such a shitty person to me?  Why did I deserve this?  I think back to when her step-dad passed before her wedding, I can't possible imagine treating her the way she has treated me.  I couldn't imagine treating anyone that way.  So, the hubs along with another dear friend think I should just let it go...time heals all wounds right?  I am much better without, right?  It is just hard for me to do that though, but any communication would just be awkward now.  I guess I am asking, how do I get over this?  I know I have read similar experiences, I just wish I could have remembered the outcome of what I read?

Anyways, that was a lot of blabbing, but I warned you ahead of time.  I can't help it...I am emotion today! I promise to follow up with a more light-hearted post later this week for my 14 week update!

Anyways, all this happened four months ago.  I have things to finally be happy about, but that doesn't mean that I still don't think about it.  I just want to get over it.  But how?  You would think after four months I would be less resentful, but I am not.

13 Weeks

Yesterday we had the nerve wracking NT scan.  All was well.  Baby was measuring at 13W5D.  My OB office goes off the highest of the three NT measurements which for me was 2mm (the others were around 1.5mm).  They said this was very good because the average thickness at 13W in a normal pregnancy is 2.18mm and at 13W6D is 2.8mm.  Anything above 2.8mm would have increased the odds for Downs.  We also saw a nasal bone forming.  I am just waiting on my blood results, but by just looking at the U/S I was told to go ahead and schedule my 20 week appointment thus forgoing an amnio.

The hubs and I got a giggle during the U/S.  The baby was flying from one end of the sac to the other every time the tech poked it.  It would not stop kicking and waving.  We even got to see a yawn :)  On a side note: I at times do refer to our baby as "it".  I apologize if I offend anyone by doing this.  The fact is that it is not really a baby yet and we don't know the sex.  So, I guess I could call it "fetus" or "parasite", but "it" is just easier.  I had a friend who got snippy once when I called her baby "it" (they chose to not find out the sex).  Honestly, I think some women just need to chill the fuck out when it comes to those things, but that is my opinion.  Seriously some of us have other things to worry about like my fibroids degenerating and causing preterm labor, or perhaps suffering another loss.  Worrying about what to call "it" just seems trivial to me.  So again, sorry if I offend anyone but I will probably call my baby "it" until I find out the sex. (getting off of my soapbox now)

I decided to start a short overview about my pregnancy that I will try and update weekly.  Mainly for my benefit I guess.

How far along: 13 weeks, measuring 13 weeks 5 days

Weight gain: 1 pound.

Baby bump: No bump but tummy is getting harder if that counts. Wearing my regular clothes just fine but I feel like I have gained 20 pounds.

Symptoms: headaches everyday, pressure in the abdomen, sleepy, still suffering from occasional sickness

Milestones: NT scan went well.  I am out of the first trimester according to my OB...something I truly thought was never possible for me.

Things to look forward to: gender scan in 3 weeks, being able to spill the beans to my friends and other family members soon.  Seeing my Resolve friends in a couple of weeks.


I have been following all of my buddies often.  Some of you just had babies so congrats.  There have also been several success stories lately! Yay!  Those that email me, please continue to do so! Others are starting treatment again so I am sending positive thoughts your way.