Fear, Shame, Sadness, and....Love

Since my beta is tomorrow morning, I broker down and tested.  Negative of course.  I think the hardest part for me is that I truly have been trying to stay optimistic and positive.  I convinced myself that just because I didn't have any symptoms, that didn't necessarily mean I wasn’t pregnant since every pregnancy is different.  It is such an effort to convince myself to hang in there and smile because everything will be okay when I have no guarantee that this story will have a happy ending.  Every time I get myself back up, infertility knocks me back down.  I feel like I am fighting a fight that I don’t have enough energy for. I am tired of the shame and sadness that I feel.  And now a new emotion has been introduced…fear.


FEAR
I fear that the end result for me is IVF.  I fear that IVF won’t work.  I fear that if I do get pregnant I will only miscarry.  I fear that we will spend our savings on something that is not guaranteed.  I fear the loss of happiness.  I fear the loss of hope.  I fear the loss of my friends.  I fear that the only thing I will end up feeling is failure.  I fear the loss of myself….


SHAME
I am shameful that I can’t seem to attack this head on….that I am not strong enough.  I feel shameful that I let myself feel defeat so quickly.  I feel shameful that my body doesn’t want to cooperate.  I feel shameful for the lies I have told my friends to not see them.  I feel shameful that I can’t even pick up the phone to call one of my best friends who lives two miles away and explain to her why I haven’t seen her baby, her baby that is SIX months old now!  I cry because I miss her and I am running out of excuses to not see her…


SADNESS
I cry because I miss my babies.  I cry on the birthday’s that I will never get to celebrate. I cry when I see women with their children.  I cry every time I see that one line on a pregnancy test…just one.  I cry when my husband holds me, because I can feel his pain too. I cry for the other women who can understand my pain for they have lived this nightmare too…


I don’t know how this all ends.  So until then I need to lift my head up….smile if I can….and think about what I do have in my life, the things that I love more than anything and never lose sight of that....and think about one happy moment that can get me through the day...just to make the day a little easier...and one emotion I refuse to let infertility suppress...my love for my family, friends, and life.

6DPIUI

Not much to report.  I am in the middle of my 2WW.  I feel great other than the terrible post ovulatory cramps.  I am not getting to excited over this since I have these cramps every month.  I think I had more fluid this month because I have been cramping for four days now and it is bad enough that I have to lay down with a heating pad. I am hoping they will ease up a bit. Otherwise I have zero symptoms.  This was my first IUI so I am not going to get too discouraged.

Just trying to pass the time this week.  It was hubs and I anniverisary this week.  We went to a cubs game and ate at a nice steakhouse.  This week is already hectic and flying by thanks to work. I don't have much else to report so I will post once I start testing!

IUI

Day12 3 follies (L: 12mm, 24mm!, R: 12mm)
LH: 6.96
Progesterone: .372
Estrogen: ? (can't remember)
Due to the large follicle we triggered on day 12 and had an IUI the following two days.

This was my first IUI so I wasn't sure what to expect.  I took Clomid days 5-9 w/ an ovidrel shot on day 12.
A couple of strange things happened....Sunday night (CD10) I started having bad cramps and a headache which are typical for me when I ovulate and I usually ovulate around day 12.  The cramps continued into Monday so on Monday I took an ovulation predictor test and it was positive for my LH surge.  Now...when this surge started I have no idea.

I was pretty upset because my monitoring appointment wasn't even until Tuesday meaning the earliest I could do the IUI was Wednesday. I was already a little upset that they had me come on day 12 for my first monitoring appointment when I usually ovulate early.  What does this all mean...well, I absolutely broke down at my monitoring appointment. On Tuesday the ultrasound tech told me I had fluid in my pelvic cavity and one of the follicles (one of the 12mm ones) was more dense leading her to believe I may have ovulated.  Upset was only the beginning of what I felt.  Later in the day when I got my bloodwork, the nurse confirmed my progesterone would have been above 3 if I had already ovulated and my LH higher than 10.  So I am entirely confused. I took TWO different tests, one a digital smiley face test and one a cheap line test. Both were positive. Along with two separate tests showing I had my LH surge, and the cramps, and the headache, and with the information from the ultrasound tech....something just doesn't fit? Long story short, the nurse told me to trigger that night because one of my follicles was 24 mm!!! Isn't that too big?

I have so many things running through my mind as I begin my 2WW.  Did I ovulate before the IUI? Why do my ovaries ache? How can an IUI decrease your chances of miscarriage? Agh! I am going to try to stop thinking about everything for now and focus on just trying to get through the next two weeks.

Positives for the day:
The IUI nurse is amazing.  She is from Ireland and is the most nurturing woman.  Another positive is that according to the nurse my husband had the best swimmers of the day and overall numbers.  This was after I had to ask her for the numbers because my husband seemed so freaking concerned about it.  So, does this mean all the nurses take bets each morning on who will produce the best?!  Probably not, but the thought makes me laugh as well as my husband's reaction when I told him :)  It would be funny if she was just making that up just so hubs would smile.

Due Date

Two days ago (the 8th) was my first due date.  Tadpole...the only one we nicknamed.  It came and went without much emotion.  I think I tend to push away the thought before I allow myself to feel anything.  Ignoring it seems much easier.  Then you have a day like yesterday where I couldn't suppress the thought of it.  I had a lump in my throat the entire day.  Everywhere I turned there was something to remind me of what I lost.  I couldn't wait for the sun to set so I could crawl into bed and again pretend like the last year never happened.  But then I feel guilty....that I am not letting myself mourn the baby we lost...like I owe it to our lost baby to think about what happened.  I found a poem on a support website that reminded me of how I feel.

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

It is all so incredibly sad.  Perhaps I should stop trying to ignore how I feel because I don't think the sadness ever goes way.  I have to just remember how happy I was.  And although I was only pregnant for a little over two months...those were the two best months I ever had...I just wish I knew how this whole journey ends...

Overwhelmed

Today is CD1 for me.  I just finished with a quick consult over the phone regarding my IUI this month.  Apparently I am quite ignorant.  For some reason I thought I was going to have to take one pill by month (similar to BC) and then have to go in around the time I will ovulate and they will use a turkey baster type thing and try and impregnate me. I've seen it done on TV with cows.  No big deal I can do that!  I did not know I would be having to take three different medications and I will need a sharps container?  I am doing a non-injectable cycle so why did the pharmacy tell me to go online and check out video on how to give injections?  I am so confused.  I guess I will have to ask questions at my monitoring appointment on Tuesday. I also worry that these fertility drugs will make me more predisposed to ovarian cancer.  My mother is an ovarian cancer survivor and I in no way want to go through what she did.

I am also for some reason extremely moody.  I pretty much dislike everyone and everything today.  I think I am just overwhelmed and I hope that I am not moving forward too fast.  I really did enjoy the last two months of not having to think about all this fertility crap.  It feels like it will never end....but yet it is really only the beginning.  AGHHH!  Seriously can't wait for acupuncture tomorrow.

Update: the second opinion with a different RE was good but confused me more.  You could tell both RE's came from two entirely different perspectives and probably wouldn't get along if placed in the same room with one another.  The second opinion RE wanted me to get an endometrium biopsy which I am just not willing to do at this moment after just having a lap done.  Glad I went but sticking with FCI.  They have been wonderful with me thus far so I have no reason to go another direction.  All I want is a flipping baby!!! Why is this so hard for me!