I feel I have been an awful blogger. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!
The hubs and I had a great visit with our families in Kansas this past week. I have finally reached the 12 week milestone so we were able to share our news with our families only. We will probably announce the pregnancy to our friends around the 20 week mark just out of personal preference (unless I am huge by that time...although I have no bump yet). Our families were ecstatic and to say there were a lot of tears is an understatement. I wrote a poem in a card that made our parents think but did not give the surprise away. I then wrapped up our 11W5D ultrasound picture for them to open after reading the poem. It was precious.
I know that I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. I miss them so much, and every time I leave I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I also recognize that I have a wonderful group of girlfriends. It kills me to lie to them every time they ask me if I have any baby news. I feel so guilty because I can feel my friends disappointment every time they ask. Most of my girlfriends have been there for me and supported me through this journey and it feels so wrong to not tell them. Hopefully they will understand the reason I waited so long when I do decide to tell. I can't wait to talk all things baby when I do come out to my closest friend who is expecting her second child....it has been so difficult to bite my tongue when I talk to her!
I also know that I am blessed to of found Resolve. Although I no longer attend the Glenview group because I am now expecting, I have been invited to attend a new group through Resolve that is for women who have struggled with infertility and are either currently pregnant or who have already had children. There are several of my IF friends through the Glenview group that are now expecting so they will now be attending this new group, and I can't wait to see them! We have become pretty close.
I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years! Although I will be jealous that I will not be able to drink champagne, we do have plans to attend a party with several of our good friends so I am definitely looking forward to it. Hopefully I can stay awake!
Cheers to 2012!!!
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Good News, Bad News
Today was our first OB appointment. I LOVE our OB. He came highly recommended from my RE and highly recommended from one of my husband's top surgeons in his territory. He also spent three hours with us today. I also love that he is a straight shooter...he doesn't just tell you what you want to hear.
First, the baby looked excellent today. My OB gave us 3D pictures and the baby is so freaking cute. I was actually almost measuring 10 weeks today when I am really only 9W3D. The baby was dancing around in its little bubble. Baby's heart rate is at 167 bpm. It is so crazy to think that the baby is that active and inside of ME! I have no morning sickness anymore and am really only suffering from tiredness, so it was such a relief to see that everything was ok. More good news...my OB did not even hesitate when we asked if we could come in next week for another ultrasound. Generally he would not perform another ultrasound until 13 weeks, but due to my history he is absolutely willing to see me weekly until 12 weeks. Such a relief! My miscarriage risk is all the way down to 4%. To think I have a 96% chance of not miscarrying is great....now he was quick to point out that this percent does not include pre-term labor, stillbirth, etc....but overall we have a good shot right now!
Now, not everything was all peachy today. A matter a fact we received some unsettling news which will warrant extra attention during my pregnancy. The OB said he wouldn't consider me entirely high risk, but there could be some complications. I always knew that I had fibroids which was part of the reason I had a lap done last spring. Well, the largest fibroid is now the size of a nerf football. It has already grown almost 4 cm. in 9 weeks and it is laying right on top of my colon. I believe the measurements were around 11cm x 10 cm (it took up the entire ultrasound screen zoomed out). At least my sciatic nerve pain can be explained. The doctor will be watching this carefully as it could degenerate and worse case scenario make me go into pre-term labor. My RE had already explained this risk, but it never felt real because I have never gotten this far into a pregnancy. Most likely I will need a cesarean, although, my OB will do anything/everything for me to have a vaginal birth. If a cesarean is the worse thing I have to face, then I am happy.
More alarming, my OB discovered another fibroid which is inside of the muscle of my uterus (unlike the nurf football sized one which is on the outside). He became very quite when he saw this. The problem, the placenta is latched on directly underneath this fibroid. If the fibroid grows (which is likely) and starts pushing in on the cavity of the uterus, then it could be threatening to the baby and possibly cause miscarriage. Again, this is a worse case scenario, but I am glad the doctor told us about it regardless. There is also mixed data showing whether these fibroids decrease blood flow to the uterus.
So, these fibroids which were not supposed to cause me any issues according to my last GYN are now possibly threatening to my pregnancy. A matter a fact, my previous GYN never even saw the fibroid inside my muscle because they never used a 3D ultrasound, which is the only thing that picked it up. Ladies...this is why it is imperative to have an excellent OB/GYN. My RE never really said much about these because his job was to get me pregnant. Anytime he saw an issue, he referred to my GYN. Seriously though, if you go on the intranet and look up whether fibroids are threatening to a pregnancy, almost always it says no. So why the hell is my case any different! It is so frustrating.
Anyways, I am not going to complain because overall everything went well today. I mean what pregnancy is absolutely perfect? Probably none.
First, the baby looked excellent today. My OB gave us 3D pictures and the baby is so freaking cute. I was actually almost measuring 10 weeks today when I am really only 9W3D. The baby was dancing around in its little bubble. Baby's heart rate is at 167 bpm. It is so crazy to think that the baby is that active and inside of ME! I have no morning sickness anymore and am really only suffering from tiredness, so it was such a relief to see that everything was ok. More good news...my OB did not even hesitate when we asked if we could come in next week for another ultrasound. Generally he would not perform another ultrasound until 13 weeks, but due to my history he is absolutely willing to see me weekly until 12 weeks. Such a relief! My miscarriage risk is all the way down to 4%. To think I have a 96% chance of not miscarrying is great....now he was quick to point out that this percent does not include pre-term labor, stillbirth, etc....but overall we have a good shot right now!
Now, not everything was all peachy today. A matter a fact we received some unsettling news which will warrant extra attention during my pregnancy. The OB said he wouldn't consider me entirely high risk, but there could be some complications. I always knew that I had fibroids which was part of the reason I had a lap done last spring. Well, the largest fibroid is now the size of a nerf football. It has already grown almost 4 cm. in 9 weeks and it is laying right on top of my colon. I believe the measurements were around 11cm x 10 cm (it took up the entire ultrasound screen zoomed out). At least my sciatic nerve pain can be explained. The doctor will be watching this carefully as it could degenerate and worse case scenario make me go into pre-term labor. My RE had already explained this risk, but it never felt real because I have never gotten this far into a pregnancy. Most likely I will need a cesarean, although, my OB will do anything/everything for me to have a vaginal birth. If a cesarean is the worse thing I have to face, then I am happy.
More alarming, my OB discovered another fibroid which is inside of the muscle of my uterus (unlike the nurf football sized one which is on the outside). He became very quite when he saw this. The problem, the placenta is latched on directly underneath this fibroid. If the fibroid grows (which is likely) and starts pushing in on the cavity of the uterus, then it could be threatening to the baby and possibly cause miscarriage. Again, this is a worse case scenario, but I am glad the doctor told us about it regardless. There is also mixed data showing whether these fibroids decrease blood flow to the uterus.
So, these fibroids which were not supposed to cause me any issues according to my last GYN are now possibly threatening to my pregnancy. A matter a fact, my previous GYN never even saw the fibroid inside my muscle because they never used a 3D ultrasound, which is the only thing that picked it up. Ladies...this is why it is imperative to have an excellent OB/GYN. My RE never really said much about these because his job was to get me pregnant. Anytime he saw an issue, he referred to my GYN. Seriously though, if you go on the intranet and look up whether fibroids are threatening to a pregnancy, almost always it says no. So why the hell is my case any different! It is so frustrating.
Anyways, I am not going to complain because overall everything went well today. I mean what pregnancy is absolutely perfect? Probably none.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Baby? Are you in There?
Well, I am beginning my 9th week. My first OB appointment is December 12th so I am trying to remain calm and patient. Today has been a wonderful day which causes me concern (I know I need to stop worrying). As I stood in front of the mirror this morning looking down at my non-existent baby bump and/or bloat I began wondering if there was in fact a baby in there? Shouldn't I be feeling something? So, in an attempt to make myself feel better, I am writing down a list of all things I have experienced in the last two weeks to remind myself that I am in fact pregnant. That the baby didn't just disappear from my stomach overnight.
1. Burping- Yes, I understand it is disgusting and my poor office mate probably wishes she worked next to somebody else every day. Thank God she spends most of the day cursing at her computer which tends to override the majority of my unflattering burps.
2. Nausea- Overall it has not been too bad. When it is, I find myself running to the bathroom almost excited. "Yeah! I threw up today! I feel like a normal pregnant lady." It is almost as if it is a victory for me and I am able to relax for a couple of hours.
3. Nighttime bathroom trips- I find myself making at least two to three trips to the bathroom every night. I honestly don't mind...my poor dog on the other hand appears sleep deprived. If only he could speak my language then I would say "Suck it up furbaby, it only gets worse!" My husband is lucky, he has been out in California for the past two weeks. He is in for a rude awakening when he gets home tomorrow night.
4. Emotional- I found myself bawling through two episodes of "One Born Every Minute". I don't mean tears trickling down my cheeks...I mean full on crying. Next up...I found myself crying through an episode of the "Millionaire Matchmaker". Really? Come on, that show isn't even sad. What the hell is wrong with me?
5. Exhaustion- I can not seem to get enough sleep. I find myself forcing my eyes to stay open around 1 pm everyday. Hence why I am writing my blog right now...to avoid taking a nap. I am not going to lie, there have been at least two occasions where I locked myself in the "nursing station" in the bathroom of my work to take a power nap. So wrong.
Hmmm...after looking over the above listed items I am not sure if this blog is making me feel better. As I said before I don't feel much of anything today. I mean, I feel as if I could run a marathon today...okay maybe half marathon...oh, who am I kidding! I am lazy as hell right now! I am just going to go back to the kitchen, eat some more chocolate, and worry some more.
1. Burping- Yes, I understand it is disgusting and my poor office mate probably wishes she worked next to somebody else every day. Thank God she spends most of the day cursing at her computer which tends to override the majority of my unflattering burps.
2. Nausea- Overall it has not been too bad. When it is, I find myself running to the bathroom almost excited. "Yeah! I threw up today! I feel like a normal pregnant lady." It is almost as if it is a victory for me and I am able to relax for a couple of hours.
3. Nighttime bathroom trips- I find myself making at least two to three trips to the bathroom every night. I honestly don't mind...my poor dog on the other hand appears sleep deprived. If only he could speak my language then I would say "Suck it up furbaby, it only gets worse!" My husband is lucky, he has been out in California for the past two weeks. He is in for a rude awakening when he gets home tomorrow night.
4. Emotional- I found myself bawling through two episodes of "One Born Every Minute". I don't mean tears trickling down my cheeks...I mean full on crying. Next up...I found myself crying through an episode of the "Millionaire Matchmaker". Really? Come on, that show isn't even sad. What the hell is wrong with me?
5. Exhaustion- I can not seem to get enough sleep. I find myself forcing my eyes to stay open around 1 pm everyday. Hence why I am writing my blog right now...to avoid taking a nap. I am not going to lie, there have been at least two occasions where I locked myself in the "nursing station" in the bathroom of my work to take a power nap. So wrong.
Hmmm...after looking over the above listed items I am not sure if this blog is making me feel better. As I said before I don't feel much of anything today. I mean, I feel as if I could run a marathon today...okay maybe half marathon...oh, who am I kidding! I am lazy as hell right now! I am just going to go back to the kitchen, eat some more chocolate, and worry some more.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Graduation Day
So...today I graduated from my RE officially. I am not a touchy feely person by nature so when I received hug after hug it was a bit awkward, not to mention painful for my sore boobies. BUT, it was very nice that everyone was so genuinely happy for me. I have become very spoiled with my weekly ultrasounds and although my new OB does want to continue my weekly ultrasounds for the time being, I have a feeling it will not last long.
So what did I see today. Today I saw my baby with a nice strong heart beat of 165 bpm. Our baby now has a head, arms, legs, and a cute little butt. The U/S tech also pointed out to me the baby's spine. It was all fascinating. After one of the pictures, I was able to see the arms move and the baby waved...the baby is already loving all of the attention!
As for me, the morning sickness (or all day sickness in my case) has hit. Turkey season could not have come at a worse time. The smell of heated up turkey or any meat for that matter is absolutely disgusting. However, I am loving the way that I feel! Call me insane, but it makes this all feel so real. I don't care what I have to endure, just give me a healthy, happy baby.
I have several IF friends either getting ready to start treatment or currently going through treatment. I am wishing you ladies the best of luck. I have not forgotten about you all. I know how you ladies feel and I will never forget what I have gone through so far to get here. We are so deserving of our dream and I truly hope that each of you remains hopeful. It will happen for you one way or another. It is just the process to get there and the "not knowing" that is the worse. I still feel like I do not know how this will end up for me. I spend more time trying to ignore the fact that I am pregnant than actually thinking about it because I am so terrified still. What we have to endure emotionally and physically is not fair, but we all are being driven by something far more powerful...and that is to have a baby. Hugs!
So what did I see today. Today I saw my baby with a nice strong heart beat of 165 bpm. Our baby now has a head, arms, legs, and a cute little butt. The U/S tech also pointed out to me the baby's spine. It was all fascinating. After one of the pictures, I was able to see the arms move and the baby waved...the baby is already loving all of the attention!
As for me, the morning sickness (or all day sickness in my case) has hit. Turkey season could not have come at a worse time. The smell of heated up turkey or any meat for that matter is absolutely disgusting. However, I am loving the way that I feel! Call me insane, but it makes this all feel so real. I don't care what I have to endure, just give me a healthy, happy baby.
I have several IF friends either getting ready to start treatment or currently going through treatment. I am wishing you ladies the best of luck. I have not forgotten about you all. I know how you ladies feel and I will never forget what I have gone through so far to get here. We are so deserving of our dream and I truly hope that each of you remains hopeful. It will happen for you one way or another. It is just the process to get there and the "not knowing" that is the worse. I still feel like I do not know how this will end up for me. I spend more time trying to ignore the fact that I am pregnant than actually thinking about it because I am so terrified still. What we have to endure emotionally and physically is not fair, but we all are being driven by something far more powerful...and that is to have a baby. Hugs!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thankful
This Thanksgiving I have so many things to be thankful for. This year started out rough, but then the pieces began to fall into place.
First, my husband was offered a once in a lifetime job that he, nor we as a family, could not pass up. It is his dream job, he would no longer travel and could be home more when we have kids, and it would give me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom if we ended up with twins after our IVF (which was always a concern of ours). Second, our first IVF so far has been a success. I can't believe that I am pregnant and have maintained the pregnancy thus far. I am so incredibly lucky. Third, I have absolutely no pregnancy symptoms....none. I have actually been worried about this but after seeing the baby's beating heart weekly it definitely calms my fears. Fourth, I have two friends who I have met through the IF world and both are expecting. Although early, it is amazing that all three of us have been waiting so long for our babies, and now we are all expecting...absolutely amazing. Last but not least, I have an amazing family who hopefully we can share our wonderful news with over Christmas when I am 12 weeks...talk about perfect timing.
Today, we got another sneak peek at our little baby. What a difference a week makes! Our baby has grown so much and actually looks like a baby! The heart rate increased to 138 bpm which will continue to increase in the upcoming weeks. We also met with our RE today to go over the measurements and he said everything was perfect. One more week and I will be transferred to my regular OB and I will be like a normal pregnant lady...imagine that! Before we left, my RE gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and I thanked him profusely.
Now don't get me wrong.... I realize I am so extremely early at 7 weeks. I remind myself everyday how lucky we are and I continue to pray that the baby stays healthy. We take one week at a time now, and every week provides me with a little more confidence.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
First, my husband was offered a once in a lifetime job that he, nor we as a family, could not pass up. It is his dream job, he would no longer travel and could be home more when we have kids, and it would give me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom if we ended up with twins after our IVF (which was always a concern of ours). Second, our first IVF so far has been a success. I can't believe that I am pregnant and have maintained the pregnancy thus far. I am so incredibly lucky. Third, I have absolutely no pregnancy symptoms....none. I have actually been worried about this but after seeing the baby's beating heart weekly it definitely calms my fears. Fourth, I have two friends who I have met through the IF world and both are expecting. Although early, it is amazing that all three of us have been waiting so long for our babies, and now we are all expecting...absolutely amazing. Last but not least, I have an amazing family who hopefully we can share our wonderful news with over Christmas when I am 12 weeks...talk about perfect timing.
Today, we got another sneak peek at our little baby. What a difference a week makes! Our baby has grown so much and actually looks like a baby! The heart rate increased to 138 bpm which will continue to increase in the upcoming weeks. We also met with our RE today to go over the measurements and he said everything was perfect. One more week and I will be transferred to my regular OB and I will be like a normal pregnant lady...imagine that! Before we left, my RE gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and I thanked him profusely.
Now don't get me wrong.... I realize I am so extremely early at 7 weeks. I remind myself everyday how lucky we are and I continue to pray that the baby stays healthy. We take one week at a time now, and every week provides me with a little more confidence.
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Reflections
Last night in the wake of our first ultrasound, I took some time to reflect on the past year and half. I spent so much energy trying to move forward and trying to ignore the pain that sometimes I don't give myself the time to grieve. As I thought about how I "feel", I realized that I have not been happy for so long and I really don't "feel" anything. I have been wanting, aching for a baby for so long that it has become second nature for me to be disappointed. I have become numb. As I reflected on what I now call my life...I wondered at what point in time did I just lose all sense of myself. Was it right after our first miscarriage where there was just an empty sac on the ultrasound monitor...was it after the second, or third...or the failed IUIs? I just wanted to know for myself at what moment in time did I just change into this numb, unhappy, sarcastic person? God my poor husband...he is dealing with all of this sadness as well as a wife who doesn't feel anything!
Last night as my husband and I discussed our upcoming U/S, I couldn't help but marvel at his optimism. He was so excited and couldn't stop talking about it. I, on the other hand, was shaking to my core. I was terrified. However, I thought to myself...what would it hurt to imagine just for a second that everything was okay....that we would walk into our appointment and we would in fact see a live baby with a beating heart. What if that was a possibility? Last night I was awoken from a dream. This wasn't one of my typical weird, crazy dreams that do not make any sense. In this dream I was lying down for an ultrasound...the crazy part is that I was almost to term and there on the screen was our baby. It was so incredibly real.
Fast forward to this morning...I was an emotional wreck. I did not even want to go to our appointment. I took my sweet time getting ready for the ultrasound. When it was finally time...I shut my eyes and grabbed my husband's hand. Nobody was saying anything after a couple of seconds (which seemed like an hour) so I opened my eyes and just saw a blank gray screen....of course...how typical....I was numb. Then a black blob appeared, perfectly circular... and then a yolk sac...and inside that circle was the fluttering of a heart...a heart beating 106 bpm.
At that moment in time I began sobbing and I looked over at my husband and he had a few tears trickling down his cheeks. Is this really what we were seeing? The tech said everything was perfect and measuring exactly at 6 weeks. I turned my head back to the monitor and as I stared at the fluttering of that little heart...I felt something....I believe the rest of us call it happiness :)
Last night as my husband and I discussed our upcoming U/S, I couldn't help but marvel at his optimism. He was so excited and couldn't stop talking about it. I, on the other hand, was shaking to my core. I was terrified. However, I thought to myself...what would it hurt to imagine just for a second that everything was okay....that we would walk into our appointment and we would in fact see a live baby with a beating heart. What if that was a possibility? Last night I was awoken from a dream. This wasn't one of my typical weird, crazy dreams that do not make any sense. In this dream I was lying down for an ultrasound...the crazy part is that I was almost to term and there on the screen was our baby. It was so incredibly real.
Fast forward to this morning...I was an emotional wreck. I did not even want to go to our appointment. I took my sweet time getting ready for the ultrasound. When it was finally time...I shut my eyes and grabbed my husband's hand. Nobody was saying anything after a couple of seconds (which seemed like an hour) so I opened my eyes and just saw a blank gray screen....of course...how typical....I was numb. Then a black blob appeared, perfectly circular... and then a yolk sac...and inside that circle was the fluttering of a heart...a heart beating 106 bpm.
At that moment in time I began sobbing and I looked over at my husband and he had a few tears trickling down his cheeks. Is this really what we were seeing? The tech said everything was perfect and measuring exactly at 6 weeks. I turned my head back to the monitor and as I stared at the fluttering of that little heart...I felt something....I believe the rest of us call it happiness :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Nothing New
I really don't have much to report. I have no more planned betas and my first ultrasound isn't until this Friday. I have continued to cramp in both my abdomen and back, although the intensity has decreased somewhat. I am still running to the bathroom checking for blood. I don't know how I am going to be able to wait until Friday, but I will just have to suck it up.
I actually have a consult today with a wonderful OB downtown. We are lucky because my husband works directly with OB/GYN surgeons selling the robot system, so we were able to get some very good recommendations. I refuse to go back to my old OB. Too many bad memories. I need a fresh start. My RE will not release me until after 8 weeks, so I thought I would start looking for an OB now. The last thing I want is to have another miscarriage that requires a D&C and have to go back to my old OB again...the one where I spent SIX hours in the waiting room while I bled because they lost my test results. Sorry...I know I sound like the ever pessimist. I think I just like to be "prepared". Until I see our baby with a good heart beat, I will continue to hold my breath.
I will be very busy the next couple of weeks which I am thankful for. I have three holiday parties coming up being thrown by friends which should be a good time and keep my mind off things. I also have a work holiday party...bleh...don't know about that one. We are also going out of town for a football game. One day at a time...that is what I live by right now.
I actually have a consult today with a wonderful OB downtown. We are lucky because my husband works directly with OB/GYN surgeons selling the robot system, so we were able to get some very good recommendations. I refuse to go back to my old OB. Too many bad memories. I need a fresh start. My RE will not release me until after 8 weeks, so I thought I would start looking for an OB now. The last thing I want is to have another miscarriage that requires a D&C and have to go back to my old OB again...the one where I spent SIX hours in the waiting room while I bled because they lost my test results. Sorry...I know I sound like the ever pessimist. I think I just like to be "prepared". Until I see our baby with a good heart beat, I will continue to hold my breath.
I will be very busy the next couple of weeks which I am thankful for. I have three holiday parties coming up being thrown by friends which should be a good time and keep my mind off things. I also have a work holiday party...bleh...don't know about that one. We are also going out of town for a football game. One day at a time...that is what I live by right now.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Betas, Cramping, and Anxiety
Dear Readers,
Sorry I have been absent for a few days. I wanted to wait until I had a couple more beta draws to post an update. Monday I had beta # 2 which was 473. Today I had beta # 3 which was 1,079. Am I surprised...most definitely. I was about 95% sure that this pregnancy was nonviable. The reason...cramping.
Now when I say that I have been cramping for the past five days, I don't mean the "mild" cramps that accompany early pregnancy. I am also not believing the whole "your uterus is stretching" bullshit. I have doubled over, broken out in cold sweats, and even had a baby tantrum or two over these cramps. I have slept about 2 hours a night because these cramps come in a flurry during the night. Now I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression here.... I am not complaining about being pregnant. I am in fact so terrified that these cramps are going to thrust out the baby inside me that I literally have a panic attack every time I get them....and I get these cramps about every 30 minutes or so. I run to the bathroom about 3-4 times an hour checking to make sure there is no blood. It is terrifying.
So I have a question for you ladies out there....has anyone experienced this? These cramps are more intense than menstrual cramps, but they only last around 5-10 minutes at the most. I would love to hear if anyone has been through this and maintained a healthy pregnancy. The nurse believes the pain may be caused by my endometriosis which typically flares up at the beginning of pregnancy right before it shuts down for the remaining eight months. I am not so sure if I am buying this.
Thanks,
The paranoid, often crazy, barely pregnant nutcase
Sorry I have been absent for a few days. I wanted to wait until I had a couple more beta draws to post an update. Monday I had beta # 2 which was 473. Today I had beta # 3 which was 1,079. Am I surprised...most definitely. I was about 95% sure that this pregnancy was nonviable. The reason...cramping.
Now when I say that I have been cramping for the past five days, I don't mean the "mild" cramps that accompany early pregnancy. I am also not believing the whole "your uterus is stretching" bullshit. I have doubled over, broken out in cold sweats, and even had a baby tantrum or two over these cramps. I have slept about 2 hours a night because these cramps come in a flurry during the night. Now I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression here.... I am not complaining about being pregnant. I am in fact so terrified that these cramps are going to thrust out the baby inside me that I literally have a panic attack every time I get them....and I get these cramps about every 30 minutes or so. I run to the bathroom about 3-4 times an hour checking to make sure there is no blood. It is terrifying.
So I have a question for you ladies out there....has anyone experienced this? These cramps are more intense than menstrual cramps, but they only last around 5-10 minutes at the most. I would love to hear if anyone has been through this and maintained a healthy pregnancy. The nurse believes the pain may be caused by my endometriosis which typically flares up at the beginning of pregnancy right before it shuts down for the remaining eight months. I am not so sure if I am buying this.
Thanks,
The paranoid, often crazy, barely pregnant nutcase
Friday, November 4, 2011
Update
My beta came back at 165 today and my progesterone is 73.8. The nurse said that my beta was very high and they were looking for a number above 50. Monday is another beta and we should know more where we stand. My beta has been as high as 7,000 before so I have a long way to go before I cross that milestone.
Thank you all for your comments and well wishes. It means the world to me.
Thank you all for your comments and well wishes. It means the world to me.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Bittersweet
I contemplated publishing this post. I know that by deciding to write a blog, especially about my struggles to conceive, I was definitely putting myself out there. I chose to disclose things that most people remain private about. However, I have found a certain peace by creating a blog...a certain level of understanding that I share with many of the women that read my blog or vise versa. I thought I have come this far...shared my story...my heartaches, disappointments, fears....so I need to be honest and follow through.
Today I tested. I first tested with a FRER super early this morning and no doubt within a second there was already a double line. I did not jump for joy. I did not shout out with happiness. I did not even smile. I instead walked back to bed, started crying, and tried to fall back asleep with my husband's arms around me. This is what all of our past experiences has done to us...left us jaded. There is no room for debate. I am in fact a habitual aborter. It is the basis and reason for first writing my blog. It is the reason why I was referred to one of the best RPL research doctors in the U.S. It is the reason why we decided to go the route of IVF. This is my fourth pregnancy and I want this with all of my being.
I tested again later with a digital, just to be sure. My beta should technically be Saturday, but since it falls on a weekend they did not schedule it until Monday morning which is 12DP5DT. In IVF terms that is actually a really long time....especially for a 5 day transfer. I am not waiting. I have already called my clinic to try and get in tomorrow. I have been having some pretty painful cramping so would rather be prepared either way.
I realize this blog is sensitive. I know what some of you reading this are probably feeling. I have been there. I hope I don't lose any followers, but I understand. I just hope that everyone continues to pray for me and my little bean.
Update:
The nurse called me back. She said I definitely need to get in Friday morning for my beta. She said the doctor has no doubt the trigger should have left my system a week ago so tomorrow would not be too early for a beta draw. With my past history and due to the cramping she was happy I called to get in earlier. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.
Today I tested. I first tested with a FRER super early this morning and no doubt within a second there was already a double line. I did not jump for joy. I did not shout out with happiness. I did not even smile. I instead walked back to bed, started crying, and tried to fall back asleep with my husband's arms around me. This is what all of our past experiences has done to us...left us jaded. There is no room for debate. I am in fact a habitual aborter. It is the basis and reason for first writing my blog. It is the reason why I was referred to one of the best RPL research doctors in the U.S. It is the reason why we decided to go the route of IVF. This is my fourth pregnancy and I want this with all of my being.
I tested again later with a digital, just to be sure. My beta should technically be Saturday, but since it falls on a weekend they did not schedule it until Monday morning which is 12DP5DT. In IVF terms that is actually a really long time....especially for a 5 day transfer. I am not waiting. I have already called my clinic to try and get in tomorrow. I have been having some pretty painful cramping so would rather be prepared either way.
I realize this blog is sensitive. I know what some of you reading this are probably feeling. I have been there. I hope I don't lose any followers, but I understand. I just hope that everyone continues to pray for me and my little bean.
Update:
The nurse called me back. She said I definitely need to get in Friday morning for my beta. She said the doctor has no doubt the trigger should have left my system a week ago so tomorrow would not be too early for a beta draw. With my past history and due to the cramping she was happy I called to get in earlier. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.
Monday, October 31, 2011
5DP5DT- Back to work
I have never been so thrilled to go back to work. I must admit that I have just had too much time on my hands to analyze everything. It is nice to be busy and "back to normal". The pain and bloating are finally gone and I still had some trouble buttoning my pants this morning.
So nothing to really report here. Hopefully little Thor is hanging on tight. Yes, that is right...hubs has named my blastocyst Thor. Now let me explain. While I was on bedrest, the movie "Thor" happened to be one of the movies we watched. I was pretty down yesterday, because overall I am not much of the optimist. While I laid on the couch being pathetic and feeling sorry for myself worrying that IVF #1 did not work, hubs was trying everything to get me to laugh. He kept referencing the movie Thor and said "lets just hope little Thor is hammering away at your uterus eating up your lining". I had to explain to him that I hope our little blastocyst, or Thor as he calls it, is not eating my uterus because if I don't have a uterus, then Thor would not be able to survive. Also, I don't remember Thor eating anything in the movie, but whatever. Anyhoo...his absolutely ridiculous comment did make me laugh. So Thor it is.
So now that everyone probably thinks we are a bunch of crazies, I am going to sign off by wishing all the ladies who are either in your 2WW or currently going through the IVF process lots of luck!
So nothing to really report here. Hopefully little Thor is hanging on tight. Yes, that is right...hubs has named my blastocyst Thor. Now let me explain. While I was on bedrest, the movie "Thor" happened to be one of the movies we watched. I was pretty down yesterday, because overall I am not much of the optimist. While I laid on the couch being pathetic and feeling sorry for myself worrying that IVF #1 did not work, hubs was trying everything to get me to laugh. He kept referencing the movie Thor and said "lets just hope little Thor is hammering away at your uterus eating up your lining". I had to explain to him that I hope our little blastocyst, or Thor as he calls it, is not eating my uterus because if I don't have a uterus, then Thor would not be able to survive. Also, I don't remember Thor eating anything in the movie, but whatever. Anyhoo...his absolutely ridiculous comment did make me laugh. So Thor it is.
So now that everyone probably thinks we are a bunch of crazies, I am going to sign off by wishing all the ladies who are either in your 2WW or currently going through the IVF process lots of luck!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
The Mixed Emotions of Transfer Day
I was already very apprehensive the night before our transfer for several reasons. Once the embryologist decides to take you to a day 5 transfer (which is what we did), you do not receive any information regarding your embryos until the morning of your transfer. So, we didn't know the quality, grade, or how many blastocysts we had until Wednesday morning. I was so nervous...what if we did not have any embryos or blasts to transfer?
Of course we arrived super early to the clinic because I am the most impatient person ever. Also, I started drinking water WAY to early. I was in so much pain by the time the embryologist came in to give us our results that I was more worried about peeing myself than what he had to say. I was literally sitting down with my legs crossed holding my crotch when we talked with our embryologist. To make matters worse, we were told we only had 2 blastocysts. One was a 4BB (average/fair) and the other was a 4BC (eh not the best). They recommended we place both in. I on the otherhand, being somewhat distracted by my bladder that was ready to explode, decided that we would only put one in if we had some to freeze. The embryologist said we still had 8 embryos that they were taking out to day 6 to see if they could freeze them. He also said we would have a 50% chance putting one grade 4BB embryo in. So one it was. To be honest, I actually want twins but because I have five large ass fibroids, there wouldn't be much room for two, and it could be dangerous.
I then popped my valium and after a couple of minutes I found myself blabbing to the nurse who escorted me to the restroom that I felt great and that this is better than being stoned...blah blah blah (and no I do not smoke pot). Someone should have put duct tape over my mouth. I have no business being around people while on narcotics.
After the transfer, I rested several hours at home. Being the nutcase I am, I decided to Dr.Google anything and everything about blastocyst grades. I ended up bawling (which is typical of me these days) realizing that my embryos were not the best quality. One doctor even stated there is only a 17-20% chance of pregnancy with a 4BB. Great...we should have put two in.
Today we got the final fertilization report. They were able to freeze 2-4BB blasts, 2-3BB blasts, and 1-4BC blasts. So five total totsicles which is pretty good. Seriously though...what the fuck. Out of 17 eggs I did not get one high grade embryo or blasts. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful that we have "BB" as we call the little guy/girl in my uterus now. I am also thankful we have 5 frozen blasts, but I do feel some disappointment in the quality. I realize most women do not even get blastocysts or any to freeze, so I know some of you reading my blog may want to slap me. And I am sorry....I am grateful.
Of course we arrived super early to the clinic because I am the most impatient person ever. Also, I started drinking water WAY to early. I was in so much pain by the time the embryologist came in to give us our results that I was more worried about peeing myself than what he had to say. I was literally sitting down with my legs crossed holding my crotch when we talked with our embryologist. To make matters worse, we were told we only had 2 blastocysts. One was a 4BB (average/fair) and the other was a 4BC (eh not the best). They recommended we place both in. I on the otherhand, being somewhat distracted by my bladder that was ready to explode, decided that we would only put one in if we had some to freeze. The embryologist said we still had 8 embryos that they were taking out to day 6 to see if they could freeze them. He also said we would have a 50% chance putting one grade 4BB embryo in. So one it was. To be honest, I actually want twins but because I have five large ass fibroids, there wouldn't be much room for two, and it could be dangerous.
I then popped my valium and after a couple of minutes I found myself blabbing to the nurse who escorted me to the restroom that I felt great and that this is better than being stoned...blah blah blah (and no I do not smoke pot). Someone should have put duct tape over my mouth. I have no business being around people while on narcotics.
After the transfer, I rested several hours at home. Being the nutcase I am, I decided to Dr.Google anything and everything about blastocyst grades. I ended up bawling (which is typical of me these days) realizing that my embryos were not the best quality. One doctor even stated there is only a 17-20% chance of pregnancy with a 4BB. Great...we should have put two in.
Today we got the final fertilization report. They were able to freeze 2-4BB blasts, 2-3BB blasts, and 1-4BC blasts. So five total totsicles which is pretty good. Seriously though...what the fuck. Out of 17 eggs I did not get one high grade embryo or blasts. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful that we have "BB" as we call the little guy/girl in my uterus now. I am also thankful we have 5 frozen blasts, but I do feel some disappointment in the quality. I realize most women do not even get blastocysts or any to freeze, so I know some of you reading my blog may want to slap me. And I am sorry....I am grateful.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Retrieval
Yesterday we finally had our retrieval! After arriving at the clinic around 11 a.m., I was having my procedure by 12:15. The only thing I remember was my RE smiling at me asking me if I was ready. I told him that I was nervous and he grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and he held onto it until I was knocked out.
The minute I woke up the nurse told us that they got a lot. 17 eggs to be exact. I was so relieved, but I also know that there is no telling how many we will be left with after 5 days.
Once home I just rested and began chugging Gatorade. Around 7 p.m. I was having awful shooting pains...pain so bad that it was hard to breathe. I was also extremely nauseous and could not go to the restroom at all despite the fact that I had finished off four bottles of Gatorade. The nurses had warned me ahead of time that I would have to be careful because I had so many follicles (24 follicles) that were aspirated and my E2 levels were so high, therefore, I was at a high risk of OHSS. After having a mini breakdown I forced down some pretzels, drank a huge bottle of pedialyte, swallowed some pain pills, and hubs put me to bed. Seven trips to the bathroom later and with the sun rising...I was finally able to get some sleep.
I am feeling much better today. The nurse called and out of the 17 eggs, 12 fertilized, and out of those 12 eleven are left. We will get another update tomorrow regarding the quality of the embryos and whether we will be going in for a day 3 or 5 transfer. The nurse is thinking probably a day 5.
Thank you all so much for the support. I have received so many text messages, emails, and phone calls that I have been overwhelmed. It has taken this experience for me to realize who my true friends are, and I could not be happier at this moment...one day at a time. My family and husband have also been incredibly amazing...and I realize how lucky I really am despite what I have gone through thus far. Thanks again!
The minute I woke up the nurse told us that they got a lot. 17 eggs to be exact. I was so relieved, but I also know that there is no telling how many we will be left with after 5 days.
Once home I just rested and began chugging Gatorade. Around 7 p.m. I was having awful shooting pains...pain so bad that it was hard to breathe. I was also extremely nauseous and could not go to the restroom at all despite the fact that I had finished off four bottles of Gatorade. The nurses had warned me ahead of time that I would have to be careful because I had so many follicles (24 follicles) that were aspirated and my E2 levels were so high, therefore, I was at a high risk of OHSS. After having a mini breakdown I forced down some pretzels, drank a huge bottle of pedialyte, swallowed some pain pills, and hubs put me to bed. Seven trips to the bathroom later and with the sun rising...I was finally able to get some sleep.
I am feeling much better today. The nurse called and out of the 17 eggs, 12 fertilized, and out of those 12 eleven are left. We will get another update tomorrow regarding the quality of the embryos and whether we will be going in for a day 3 or 5 transfer. The nurse is thinking probably a day 5.
Thank you all so much for the support. I have received so many text messages, emails, and phone calls that I have been overwhelmed. It has taken this experience for me to realize who my true friends are, and I could not be happier at this moment...one day at a time. My family and husband have also been incredibly amazing...and I realize how lucky I really am despite what I have gone through thus far. Thanks again!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Final Monitoring Appointment
So, I actually had a monitoring appointment on Monday as well, but haven't posted yet because I felt awful Monday. However, I do remember the nurse naming off approximately 14 follies between 19mm and 10mm with estrogen at 1,326. So good... and that is all I cared about....back to sleep I went.
Today my numbers skyrocketed! No wonder why I feel miserable!
Right ovary: 18,16.5,16,14.5,14,10,9 (7 measurable)
Left ovary: 21.5, 21, 19, 17.5, 17.5, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 14.5, 12, 11.5, 9 (14 measurable)
E2: 2,195
LH: 1.5
P4: .60
Since I have so many "tweener" follies I am stimming for one more day. Although, my dose of Gonal F has been reduced to 75iu from 150iu. I don't need to go in for a monitoring appointment because they have already told me I will receive a call tomorrow for instructions to trigger. My retrieval will be Friday. I am so cautious since so many things can go wrong and lets face it...I haven't had the best of luck (but I guess none of us have if we are writing about our infertility on a blog). I went ahead and took Thursday off so that I could just relax and I already scheduled an acupuncture appointment as well. I am so close.....
For those of you who have already been through this process, as your E2 numbers went up did you start to feel dizzy and disorientated? Lord I am just praying that I don't stroke out!
Today my numbers skyrocketed! No wonder why I feel miserable!
Right ovary: 18,16.5,16,14.5,14,10,9 (7 measurable)
Left ovary: 21.5, 21, 19, 17.5, 17.5, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 14.5, 12, 11.5, 9 (14 measurable)
E2: 2,195
LH: 1.5
P4: .60
Since I have so many "tweener" follies I am stimming for one more day. Although, my dose of Gonal F has been reduced to 75iu from 150iu. I don't need to go in for a monitoring appointment because they have already told me I will receive a call tomorrow for instructions to trigger. My retrieval will be Friday. I am so cautious since so many things can go wrong and lets face it...I haven't had the best of luck (but I guess none of us have if we are writing about our infertility on a blog). I went ahead and took Thursday off so that I could just relax and I already scheduled an acupuncture appointment as well. I am so close.....
For those of you who have already been through this process, as your E2 numbers went up did you start to feel dizzy and disorientated? Lord I am just praying that I don't stroke out!
Friday, October 14, 2011
The Ovaries have Taken Off (IVF Report #2)
Today I had yet another monitoring appointment after 5 days of stims. I am fairly happy with the results. Slow and steady has been my mantra.
E2: 405 (tripled in 2 days)
Right Ovary: 5 measurable follies (between 7-12mm)
Left Ovary: 7 measurable follies (between 7-12mm)
There are still ten or so small ones that they believe may still take off which is why they are not increasing my meds. I mean two days ago I only had 4 measurable follies...now I have 12. Hopefully a few more will join the party, but not all.
The plan is to continue on with the 75iu of Menopur and 150 Gonal F for tonight. Tomorrow, I will take the Ganirelex and continue on with the same dose Menopur and Gonal F. My next monitoring appointment is Monday morning. I thought it was weird they are going to let me stim for another 3 days until they see me again, but they seemed pretty confident that nothing would happen over the weekend to change their plan with me.
I am hoping everyone has a great weekend. I will probably be pretty lazy. My little ovaries feel like bowling balls already and I am waddling around like a duck. My coworkers have all been looking at me like I have something stuck up my ass. So to avoid even more embarrassment, I will probably just relax at home. I will update again on Monday.
E2: 405 (tripled in 2 days)
Right Ovary: 5 measurable follies (between 7-12mm)
Left Ovary: 7 measurable follies (between 7-12mm)
There are still ten or so small ones that they believe may still take off which is why they are not increasing my meds. I mean two days ago I only had 4 measurable follies...now I have 12. Hopefully a few more will join the party, but not all.
The plan is to continue on with the 75iu of Menopur and 150 Gonal F for tonight. Tomorrow, I will take the Ganirelex and continue on with the same dose Menopur and Gonal F. My next monitoring appointment is Monday morning. I thought it was weird they are going to let me stim for another 3 days until they see me again, but they seemed pretty confident that nothing would happen over the weekend to change their plan with me.
I am hoping everyone has a great weekend. I will probably be pretty lazy. My little ovaries feel like bowling balls already and I am waddling around like a duck. My coworkers have all been looking at me like I have something stuck up my ass. So to avoid even more embarrassment, I will probably just relax at home. I will update again on Monday.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
1st IVF Report
Well...I am very much into my first IVF cycle. I am excited, apprehensive, worried, nervous, and anxious. I also had my first monitoring appointment:
After 3 days on stims:
E2: 139
Left Ovary: 3 measurable follies
Right Ovary: 1 measurable folly
There are 15 smaller follies that we are waiting to catch up
I am to continue taking 75iu Menopur and 150 Gonal F. I must also mention the shots and mixing of the shots are super easy now :) My next monitoring appointment is Friday morning after 5 days of stims. I also need to ask what they consider a measurable follicle. I know what is considered "measurable" varies between doctors.
I am feeling okay thus far. As of today (after 4 days of stims), I have had continuous cramping...it almost feels like someone is pinching my insides. I have officially retired from the treadmill, and exercise will consist of walking the furbaby. I also feel quite light headed and foggy. I hate taking meds so I can't wait for this to be over. I will check in after my 2nd monitoring report.
After 3 days on stims:
E2: 139
Left Ovary: 3 measurable follies
Right Ovary: 1 measurable folly
There are 15 smaller follies that we are waiting to catch up
I am to continue taking 75iu Menopur and 150 Gonal F. I must also mention the shots and mixing of the shots are super easy now :) My next monitoring appointment is Friday morning after 5 days of stims. I also need to ask what they consider a measurable follicle. I know what is considered "measurable" varies between doctors.
I am feeling okay thus far. As of today (after 4 days of stims), I have had continuous cramping...it almost feels like someone is pinching my insides. I have officially retired from the treadmill, and exercise will consist of walking the furbaby. I also feel quite light headed and foggy. I hate taking meds so I can't wait for this to be over. I will check in after my 2nd monitoring report.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Let the Fun Begin
After some unwanted friend drama for which I am still not over (you could probably get a hint from my previous blog post), I decided that I was going to use this weekend to spoil myself before I am cranky, sore, uncomfortable, and whiny. Friday I went out with a couple of friends (don't worry I only had one drink). Saturday and Sunday I went to the gym, I shopped, I spent most of the day practicing with my DSLR camera, I dined out with hubs, I baked, and I even carved a pumpkin. I was productive but also made time for me. It was great!
The real fun started Sunday night, my first night of stims. It took about thirty minutes for the hubs and I to figure out how to mix the the medication (using a Q-Cap to mix and draw up the medication and then switching over to a 27 mm needle made all the difference). After the medication was finally mixed, I pinched my tummy and handed the needle over to hubs to his surprise. He looked at me like a deer in headlights! Apparently he missed the memo that I was going to make HIM give me the shots. After the shot I was examining the contents of the syringe and noticed hubs didn't inject it all! He grabbed the syringe from me to prove that he did in fact inject all the medication and ended up shooting a bunch of medicine all over our bathroom. Ugh....oh well most of it got in me. It was more comical than anything because hubs was freaking out. He was still apologizing this morning thinking that this was drastically going to alter how my ovaries respond :) All in all he did a wonderful job and only a tiny bruise was left as evidence. This is just going to keep getting more fun as we add more/different medications as we go along.
I also created a checklist of things I have completed and still need to complete in preparation for IVF:
Completed:
1. Apply for FMLA so that I don't get fired.
2. Schedule a second nurse consult
3. Sign consents
4. Organize all of the medication & check that I received everything.
5. Send insurance a letter of certification (even though it is not needed since I have met all requirements)
6. Provide a frozen sample to RE just in case
7. Buy lots of G2 and pedialyte
8. Cook meals ahead of time and freeze (lasagna and beef & potato stew)
Still need to complete:
1. Spreadsheet listing out all medication I am supposed to take and when (this was an idea recommended by a friend who has gone through this)
2. Follow up with HR to make sure FMLA paperwork is completed by my doctor
3. List of movies I want hubs to pick up for me for days after retrieval and transfer
4. Pick up a couple of books (anyone have any ideas?)
5. Schedule acupuncture appointments
I am sure I am missing some things but I will just wing it when the time is near. I mean I have had so many surgeries and procedures in the last year and half that hopefully this will all be a piece of cake....except I am going to be a nervous wreck!!! Again, thank you all for your continued support! It means everything to me.
I took a picture picture of all of my meds.... believe it or not this does not include the meds that I have organized already in my bathroom.
The real fun started Sunday night, my first night of stims. It took about thirty minutes for the hubs and I to figure out how to mix the the medication (using a Q-Cap to mix and draw up the medication and then switching over to a 27 mm needle made all the difference). After the medication was finally mixed, I pinched my tummy and handed the needle over to hubs to his surprise. He looked at me like a deer in headlights! Apparently he missed the memo that I was going to make HIM give me the shots. After the shot I was examining the contents of the syringe and noticed hubs didn't inject it all! He grabbed the syringe from me to prove that he did in fact inject all the medication and ended up shooting a bunch of medicine all over our bathroom. Ugh....oh well most of it got in me. It was more comical than anything because hubs was freaking out. He was still apologizing this morning thinking that this was drastically going to alter how my ovaries respond :) All in all he did a wonderful job and only a tiny bruise was left as evidence. This is just going to keep getting more fun as we add more/different medications as we go along.
I also created a checklist of things I have completed and still need to complete in preparation for IVF:
Completed:
1. Apply for FMLA so that I don't get fired.
2. Schedule a second nurse consult
3. Sign consents
4. Organize all of the medication & check that I received everything.
5. Send insurance a letter of certification (even though it is not needed since I have met all requirements)
6. Provide a frozen sample to RE just in case
7. Buy lots of G2 and pedialyte
8. Cook meals ahead of time and freeze (lasagna and beef & potato stew)
Still need to complete:
1. Spreadsheet listing out all medication I am supposed to take and when (this was an idea recommended by a friend who has gone through this)
2. Follow up with HR to make sure FMLA paperwork is completed by my doctor
3. List of movies I want hubs to pick up for me for days after retrieval and transfer
4. Pick up a couple of books (anyone have any ideas?)
5. Schedule acupuncture appointments
I am sure I am missing some things but I will just wing it when the time is near. I mean I have had so many surgeries and procedures in the last year and half that hopefully this will all be a piece of cake....except I am going to be a nervous wreck!!! Again, thank you all for your continued support! It means everything to me.
I took a picture picture of all of my meds.... believe it or not this does not include the meds that I have organized already in my bathroom.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
In With the New...Out with the Old
Tonight is the Resolve meeting. I can't even explain how excited I get that I have the opportunity to be able to sit around women who are like me and who understand me. The biggest disappointment going through the past year and half has been the lack of support, understanding, or the fact that just many of my friends have children now so they are "too busy" to talk to me or spend time with me. The surgeries, disappointments, miscarriages, loneliness, anger, and sadness...I have really truly only gone through with the support of my husband, my parents, and friends I have met through support groups...that's it. It has been my choice to remain silent with most of my friends and other family members regarding everything, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to ever be invited to anything or spend time with them. I have become distant to many people whom I considered myself close with (don't worry none of these close friends know of my blog). To the best friend whom I stayed up until midnight wrapping baby shower gifts for, crying, all the while I was hemorrhaging from a miscarriage...I forgive you for excluding me from your life these days... to the friend who all of a sudden doesn't have time to call me because they are now pregnant again and feel uncomfortable talking to me....I get it. I don't hate you. I am disappointed and saddened by them...but I get it. They won't be able to fully understand me because...well, they haven't been around me much recently. I don't blame them and others for not wanting anything to do with me, I just wish I could have counted on them.
But then again, there are so many people that I never thought I had anything in common with or maybe never gave a chance to who are becoming my closest confidants. It has been quite the reshuffling of people who make up my social circle these days. To those of you who have stood by me...some of whom I haven't even personally met, thank you. To my coworker who has become one of my closest friends and literally got choked up after overhearing one of the calls from my doctor and just turned to me with a certain level of understanding and respect and said she couldn't believe how bad it was...thank you. To my friend whom I met on a babycenter support group that I finally got to meet in person and often attend meetings with...thank you. To those that follow my blog and send me well wishes even though I know you are going through your own personal hell...thank you. And to my husband and parents, they have no idea how much I have appreciated having someone to lean so heavily on. I would only be a shell of myself without them. And thank you to Resolve for bringing together a group of women who share an understanding...I always walk out of a meeting with my head a little higher and the hope a little stronger.
But then again, there are so many people that I never thought I had anything in common with or maybe never gave a chance to who are becoming my closest confidants. It has been quite the reshuffling of people who make up my social circle these days. To those of you who have stood by me...some of whom I haven't even personally met, thank you. To my coworker who has become one of my closest friends and literally got choked up after overhearing one of the calls from my doctor and just turned to me with a certain level of understanding and respect and said she couldn't believe how bad it was...thank you. To my friend whom I met on a babycenter support group that I finally got to meet in person and often attend meetings with...thank you. To those that follow my blog and send me well wishes even though I know you are going through your own personal hell...thank you. And to my husband and parents, they have no idea how much I have appreciated having someone to lean so heavily on. I would only be a shell of myself without them. And thank you to Resolve for bringing together a group of women who share an understanding...I always walk out of a meeting with my head a little higher and the hope a little stronger.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The Time is Finally Here
I have had so many emotions while dealing with infertility. I think for me the disappointment month after month and the patience that is involved is the worse. I try not to get too hopeful because I feel that everytime I do, something unexpectedly goes wrong. For those that do read my blog, you know that I have been dealing with a cyst that I developed while on birth control before IVF. The funniest thing is that my estrogen level was at 571 which is higher than any level I ever achieved during IUI...and the kicker again was the fact that this was while on birth control...when I was supposed to be suppressed.
After being on lupron for two weeks AF decided to arrive. It was horrible. I will not get into details about how awful and painful this AF was. However, at one point I did think I was going to die (don't laugh) and called the on-call doctor in the middle of the night. He explained this was all probably due to the high estrogen producing cyst that the lupron was causing to collapse. I decided to not go to the ER and just spend the night in the restroom. I took the next day off of work because I was so weak and still dealing with the pain. Enough is enough...I went in for my baseline today instead of Wednesday because I just had to know what was going on and how much time I had left to live.
Expecting the worse possible news today that perhaps our IVF cycle was going to be cancelled and that I was in fact bleeding to death, I trudged my way into the clinic with my double duty diaper on and everything. I had my favorite ultrasound tech which cheered me up a bit. She did notice something within my uterine wall but since it was not in my cavity she didn't seem overly concerned (maybe a new fibroid?). I did in fact ask her if it was a tumor for which she chuckled and said "no" (did I say that I am a bit dramatic). My cyst had indeed collapsed and went from 28 mm to 8.5mm in a week! There was no solid answer on why I was having the period from hell, but I figure that as long as I am not dying then I can concentrate on what lies ahead...which happened to be a big fat cupcake for breakfast. Hey, my blood sugar was low!
So anyhoo....
This is the first month where all of my numbers look great! And I am actually not joking around.
Intrafollicular count: 24! Did I mention I have PCOS :)
LH: .92 (might be a little low, but I am on lupron for down-regulation)
FSH: 3.41
Estrogen: 34.8
lining: 5.3 mm
The plan...continue lupron for two more days to shrink the cyst even more and then begin stims 10/9/11. I can't believe I am this close to having IVF. I am almost numb. I have to believe that this will work or that I will at least get enough embies to freeze. I have to believe because I need something to change in my favor. I just want this one thing to go my way.
After being on lupron for two weeks AF decided to arrive. It was horrible. I will not get into details about how awful and painful this AF was. However, at one point I did think I was going to die (don't laugh) and called the on-call doctor in the middle of the night. He explained this was all probably due to the high estrogen producing cyst that the lupron was causing to collapse. I decided to not go to the ER and just spend the night in the restroom. I took the next day off of work because I was so weak and still dealing with the pain. Enough is enough...I went in for my baseline today instead of Wednesday because I just had to know what was going on and how much time I had left to live.
Expecting the worse possible news today that perhaps our IVF cycle was going to be cancelled and that I was in fact bleeding to death, I trudged my way into the clinic with my double duty diaper on and everything. I had my favorite ultrasound tech which cheered me up a bit. She did notice something within my uterine wall but since it was not in my cavity she didn't seem overly concerned (maybe a new fibroid?). I did in fact ask her if it was a tumor for which she chuckled and said "no" (did I say that I am a bit dramatic). My cyst had indeed collapsed and went from 28 mm to 8.5mm in a week! There was no solid answer on why I was having the period from hell, but I figure that as long as I am not dying then I can concentrate on what lies ahead...which happened to be a big fat cupcake for breakfast. Hey, my blood sugar was low!
So anyhoo....
This is the first month where all of my numbers look great! And I am actually not joking around.
Intrafollicular count: 24! Did I mention I have PCOS :)
LH: .92 (might be a little low, but I am on lupron for down-regulation)
FSH: 3.41
Estrogen: 34.8
lining: 5.3 mm
The plan...continue lupron for two more days to shrink the cyst even more and then begin stims 10/9/11. I can't believe I am this close to having IVF. I am almost numb. I have to believe that this will work or that I will at least get enough embies to freeze. I have to believe because I need something to change in my favor. I just want this one thing to go my way.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Aggravated with BC
I haven't been very active on my blog lately because a lot has happened and I really don't know what to think about it. I started BC immediately following my failed IUI. The second week on the BC I noticed that my chest was so sore! More sore than the three times I was pregnant. I was coming home and literally icing my chest. I know how ridiculous that sounds, and trust me it was but I was in so much pain! I was also having cramping. Since I was on an extended BC cycle of 5 weeks, I made a call to my RE basically telling them that I couldn't take this crap for another three weeks. They told me to stop taking the pill, have my period, and then schedule another baseline before they would put me on the nuvaring (low dose BC).
Well, you would think everything would be fine right? No! Thursday was my baseline, and afterwards I received a call that afternoon from the nurse who told me I had a 30+ mm cyst on my left ovary. My estrogen was also at a whopping 571 at baseline! So technically this wasn't a cyst, but it was a follicle. My body was about ready to ovulate while on BC. My estrogen was around 40 and the follicle did not exist before beginning the BC. My body is so messed up that it is now doing the OPPOSITE of what it is supposed to be doing. So frustrating.
I had some concerns of just going back on BC and letting this cyst/follicle go away on its own because if it is not gone before we begin stims in two weeks, then our October IVF will be pushed back to November. My husband will be leaving for California again at the end of November (when my RE cycles his IVF's) so we do not have the option of waiting until November. Because of my concerns, my doctor actually called me back himself. I was shocked. He has never called me himself. He decided to change my protocol. I was instructed to give myself an ovidrel shot Friday night to release the follicle, and then I will begin Lupron injections beginning the 23rd until my baseline. If the cyst still is not gone by my baseline on October 7th, I will remain on Lupron. He reassured me that he would work with our timing and if we had to do an IVF at the beginning of November then we would.
While all of this is going on, I also received all of my meds for the IVF. They were delivered in 2 large boxes. I couldn't believe how many meds there are. AND...I am having more delivered since I will begin Lupron this week. I can't wait to actually begin this process. I feel as if emotionally I just can't take much more. I am ready to move on with my life....i just wish I could control what happens.
Well, you would think everything would be fine right? No! Thursday was my baseline, and afterwards I received a call that afternoon from the nurse who told me I had a 30+ mm cyst on my left ovary. My estrogen was also at a whopping 571 at baseline! So technically this wasn't a cyst, but it was a follicle. My body was about ready to ovulate while on BC. My estrogen was around 40 and the follicle did not exist before beginning the BC. My body is so messed up that it is now doing the OPPOSITE of what it is supposed to be doing. So frustrating.
I had some concerns of just going back on BC and letting this cyst/follicle go away on its own because if it is not gone before we begin stims in two weeks, then our October IVF will be pushed back to November. My husband will be leaving for California again at the end of November (when my RE cycles his IVF's) so we do not have the option of waiting until November. Because of my concerns, my doctor actually called me back himself. I was shocked. He has never called me himself. He decided to change my protocol. I was instructed to give myself an ovidrel shot Friday night to release the follicle, and then I will begin Lupron injections beginning the 23rd until my baseline. If the cyst still is not gone by my baseline on October 7th, I will remain on Lupron. He reassured me that he would work with our timing and if we had to do an IVF at the beginning of November then we would.
While all of this is going on, I also received all of my meds for the IVF. They were delivered in 2 large boxes. I couldn't believe how many meds there are. AND...I am having more delivered since I will begin Lupron this week. I can't wait to actually begin this process. I feel as if emotionally I just can't take much more. I am ready to move on with my life....i just wish I could control what happens.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
What!? Me Confused?
So....today I had my IVF consult and confused is only the beginning. First, let me say that my IVF retrieval and transfer won't be until around October 20th-29th. However, hubs just got a new job and he will be in California for most of September so we had to have our consult a little early.
Apparently I must look like I shoot myself up a lot because my nurse went over the injections in like ten minutes. I have no idea what she was talking about or demonstrating. I mean for those of you that have gone through IVF, you can probably understand that the whole thing is quite daunting. I had 12 prescriptions written for me and I am sure I may be missing another one or two. I think I am going to have to go back for another consult before actually injecting myself with anything. This whole experience has disaster written all over it. I mean seriously...it took me like 30 min. to inject myself with my ovidrel shots. I can just picture myself standing in front of the mirror for hours trying to figure out how to mix what and shoot what where? Ugh...anyways....
10-3: take last birth control pill
10-6: baseline ultrasound and bloodwork
10-9: begin Gonal F and Monopur
The remaining prescriptions (not sure where they all fit in at this point): Zithromax, Crinon gel, Ovidrel, Vivelle patch, Valium, Vicodin, Ganirelix Acitate, Leuprolide, Progesterone oil, baby aspirin,
I mean is any of this really necessary except the Valium and Vicodin?! I will have some of that now please. I mean seriously they should prescribe Xanax too. I need it. I am scared shitless after this consult.
By the way...this pic was from vacay and oh how I wish I could go back in time to this very moment right now....especially after today.
Apparently I must look like I shoot myself up a lot because my nurse went over the injections in like ten minutes. I have no idea what she was talking about or demonstrating. I mean for those of you that have gone through IVF, you can probably understand that the whole thing is quite daunting. I had 12 prescriptions written for me and I am sure I may be missing another one or two. I think I am going to have to go back for another consult before actually injecting myself with anything. This whole experience has disaster written all over it. I mean seriously...it took me like 30 min. to inject myself with my ovidrel shots. I can just picture myself standing in front of the mirror for hours trying to figure out how to mix what and shoot what where? Ugh...anyways....
10-3: take last birth control pill
10-6: baseline ultrasound and bloodwork
10-9: begin Gonal F and Monopur
The remaining prescriptions (not sure where they all fit in at this point): Zithromax, Crinon gel, Ovidrel, Vivelle patch, Valium, Vicodin, Ganirelix Acitate, Leuprolide, Progesterone oil, baby aspirin,
I mean is any of this really necessary except the Valium and Vicodin?! I will have some of that now please. I mean seriously they should prescribe Xanax too. I need it. I am scared shitless after this consult.
By the way...this pic was from vacay and oh how I wish I could go back in time to this very moment right now....especially after today.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Is this thing working?
Just picturing myself at 4 a.m. Sunday morning POAS wouldn't normally make me smile. However, after seeing yet another "one liner", I convinced my half-asleep self that there MUST be something wrong with the stick. The stick was not working!!! I began flicking it, shaking it, and even held a flashlight up to it trying to find that hidden other line....but eventually I had to accept the fact that maybe the test was not lying. I was not pregnant. My doctor was right when he said clomid can make you crazy! Seriously what was I thinking?!
So, another failed IUI meant a meeting with our RE was a must. I walked into his office with puffy eyes, crazy hair, and mumbling something about what we need to do next. First thing he said..."A lot of women say that clomid makes them feel crazy, emotional, and irrational. It is not a good drug." Well he sure got that right. I mean I must have looked like a complete mess today for him to start our meeting by saying that. (I can only imagine what my co-workers and friends must think who have no understanding or idea what I am going through.)
I came to the conclusion that I am going to jump off the crazy train and start IVF in October (or perhaps that sounds even more crazy to some). I am not happy about this, but at this point hubs and I are willing to take the chances. I think the fact that I had two perfect follicles this month and everything looked great and I still managed to get that damn one line...it is time to try something else.
By the way, I was also diagnosed with PCOS today. I mean really it took this long for them to diagnose me? I have been saying I had PCOS from the beginning, but what do I know. Damn...at least I can have a drink tonight!
So, another failed IUI meant a meeting with our RE was a must. I walked into his office with puffy eyes, crazy hair, and mumbling something about what we need to do next. First thing he said..."A lot of women say that clomid makes them feel crazy, emotional, and irrational. It is not a good drug." Well he sure got that right. I mean I must have looked like a complete mess today for him to start our meeting by saying that. (I can only imagine what my co-workers and friends must think who have no understanding or idea what I am going through.)
I came to the conclusion that I am going to jump off the crazy train and start IVF in October (or perhaps that sounds even more crazy to some). I am not happy about this, but at this point hubs and I are willing to take the chances. I think the fact that I had two perfect follicles this month and everything looked great and I still managed to get that damn one line...it is time to try something else.
By the way, I was also diagnosed with PCOS today. I mean really it took this long for them to diagnose me? I have been saying I had PCOS from the beginning, but what do I know. Damn...at least I can have a drink tonight!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Waiting Game
Last night was 8DPO for me and I finally tested out the trigger shot. I have to admit it is a little disheartening to see a negative pregnancy test. My parents come into town this evening and I am hoping that my anxiety about my 2WW coming to an end doesn't ruin my weekend.
I think I am going to test either 11 or 12 DPO. I don't really feel anything unusual other than the sore BB's and some slight cramps and heaviness in the abdomen. I am fully aware that taking progesterone suppositories cause an array of symptoms similar to that of being pregnant. Honestly, I don't read in to symptoms anymore due to this fact. I just know if this doesn't work I am on to IVF. I am ready to move to something else since IUI and trying naturally are clearly not working for me.
On a side note, hubs gave me a DSLR camera for my birthday and I finally got it yesterday. Now I have a new hobby that can keep me busy. I need something to take my mind off everything or I am going to drive myself crazy.
I think I am going to test either 11 or 12 DPO. I don't really feel anything unusual other than the sore BB's and some slight cramps and heaviness in the abdomen. I am fully aware that taking progesterone suppositories cause an array of symptoms similar to that of being pregnant. Honestly, I don't read in to symptoms anymore due to this fact. I just know if this doesn't work I am on to IVF. I am ready to move to something else since IUI and trying naturally are clearly not working for me.
On a side note, hubs gave me a DSLR camera for my birthday and I finally got it yesterday. Now I have a new hobby that can keep me busy. I need something to take my mind off everything or I am going to drive myself crazy.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Tampons, panty liners, and pregnancy tests...oh my!
Do you ever wander what the checkout lady is thinking when you go to the store? Do you ever think that in their heads they are thinking "hmmm...this girl is confused" or "what the hell does this girl need 10 pregnancy tests for" or "poor thing...she must be pregnant and in denial and that is why she is buying so many tests...". Case in point, below are the items I walked out of Walgreen's with today:
3 boxes of 3 different kinds of pregnancy tests (hey gotta try them all)
1 box of tampons
2 boxes of panty liners (damn progesterone suppositories!)
1 box of Tylenol (does regular Tylenol even work?)
1 candy bar
I watched the checkout lady very carefully as she scanned my items and on more than one occasion her eyebrows bunched up in a confused state (pretty sure that was after scanning the PG tests immediately followed by the tampons). HA! She even waved around the box of thong panty liners to loudly announce (with a line at least 15 deep) that she didn't realize they made those kinds of pads. I had to quietly correct her that they in fact were not pads but panty liners and that they were awesome.
As for my 2WW goes, I feel absolutely normal. I have had terrible AF like cramping the last couple of days, but I get that every month. All I know is that I am attending the "Family of My Own" conference tomorrow and my RE happens to be a guest speaker. Also, I already scheduled an appointment with him way ahead of time just in case this cycle fails too. So at least I am prepared.
I have a lot of friends on blogger or on BBC that are either starting their cycles or are in their 2WW. So I am sending lots of well wishes to you all! Good luck!
3 boxes of 3 different kinds of pregnancy tests (hey gotta try them all)
1 box of tampons
2 boxes of panty liners (damn progesterone suppositories!)
1 box of Tylenol (does regular Tylenol even work?)
1 candy bar
I watched the checkout lady very carefully as she scanned my items and on more than one occasion her eyebrows bunched up in a confused state (pretty sure that was after scanning the PG tests immediately followed by the tampons). HA! She even waved around the box of thong panty liners to loudly announce (with a line at least 15 deep) that she didn't realize they made those kinds of pads. I had to quietly correct her that they in fact were not pads but panty liners and that they were awesome.
As for my 2WW goes, I feel absolutely normal. I have had terrible AF like cramping the last couple of days, but I get that every month. All I know is that I am attending the "Family of My Own" conference tomorrow and my RE happens to be a guest speaker. Also, I already scheduled an appointment with him way ahead of time just in case this cycle fails too. So at least I am prepared.
I have a lot of friends on blogger or on BBC that are either starting their cycles or are in their 2WW. So I am sending lots of well wishes to you all! Good luck!
Monday, August 8, 2011
IUI # 2
Where to begin...
For my second IUI, I have been getting monitored frequently to prevent any follicles from getting too big (as was the case with IUI # 1). Friday was my last monitoring appointment and the RE sent me home with instructions to trigger on Sunday night.
Friday:
Follies: R: 16mm, 14mm, 9.5mm; L: 11 mm, 10mm, 9mm, 8mm
Estrogen: 359
Lining: 10
With two more days for my follicles to mature before trigger, I imagine I may have had two good follies this time around. I can honestly say that this time I can feel my ovaries aching. I know that may sound weird, but I am somewhat uncomfortable. The nurse thought this was a very good thing....as pessimistic as I am I thought this meant I may be hyperstimulated. Time will tell.
Monday:
IUI went great this morning. Hubs had great numbers! Also, as I sit here writing this entry my sides are aching!!! I don't know if this means I am ovulating right now or am about to or already have, but it hurts! I don't know how to explain it, but I feel really good this time around. Hopefully I had more than one follicle and just something in my gut tells me that I deserve this already.
I have another IUI tomorrow. In the meantime I will be chugging pedialyte just in case my ovaries are overstimulated. Hopefully this will also help with any cysts I may develop.
I am going to stay off the radar for a while. I have a busy two week wait ahead of me. I don't want to jinx anything. Plus, I am usually pretty depressing to listen to during the wait. Sometimes I look back at past posts and thing "wow I am really whiny". I am going to try to stop that and think nothing but positive thoughts.
Wishing all my TTC ladies luck!
For my second IUI, I have been getting monitored frequently to prevent any follicles from getting too big (as was the case with IUI # 1). Friday was my last monitoring appointment and the RE sent me home with instructions to trigger on Sunday night.
Friday:
Follies: R: 16mm, 14mm, 9.5mm; L: 11 mm, 10mm, 9mm, 8mm
Estrogen: 359
Lining: 10
With two more days for my follicles to mature before trigger, I imagine I may have had two good follies this time around. I can honestly say that this time I can feel my ovaries aching. I know that may sound weird, but I am somewhat uncomfortable. The nurse thought this was a very good thing....as pessimistic as I am I thought this meant I may be hyperstimulated. Time will tell.
Monday:
IUI went great this morning. Hubs had great numbers! Also, as I sit here writing this entry my sides are aching!!! I don't know if this means I am ovulating right now or am about to or already have, but it hurts! I don't know how to explain it, but I feel really good this time around. Hopefully I had more than one follicle and just something in my gut tells me that I deserve this already.
I have another IUI tomorrow. In the meantime I will be chugging pedialyte just in case my ovaries are overstimulated. Hopefully this will also help with any cysts I may develop.
I am going to stay off the radar for a while. I have a busy two week wait ahead of me. I don't want to jinx anything. Plus, I am usually pretty depressing to listen to during the wait. Sometimes I look back at past posts and thing "wow I am really whiny". I am going to try to stop that and think nothing but positive thoughts.
Wishing all my TTC ladies luck!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Here we go again
I have been quiet on here because I wanted to enjoy my month of fun. Taking the month off to get rid of my cyst has been a blessing in some ways because I have realized that I have forgotten about the things that make me happy. It is so easy to get caught up in the disappointment that you find yourself missing out on all the good things around you. We had weddings, birthdays, vacations, and lots of times with friends...friends we haven't seen for a while. It was good.
August brings a new month and a new shot at IUI # 2. My baseline confirmed that the cyst is gone. I did have a high LH which concerns me. Of course I googled this and what did I find out...high LH correlates with an increased chance of miscarriage. Great. If I have a 4th miscarriage I seriously don't know what I will do (although I said the same things before # 3). So, I am just going to take one thing at a time.
Estrogen: 34
FSH: 6
LH: 14.2 (somewhat high which I am a little concerned about)
Intrafollicular count: a whopping 22 (maybe more than one follicle will grow this month)
I have a Resolve meeting on Wednesday, my parents are coming up to visit this month, and I have a conference I am attending for infertility and adoptions. Lots going on including work being extremely busy to keep me preoccupied this month. I am going to try to keep my head up :)
I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow (CD8) to see how my body is reacting to the clomid days 3-5 this time around and to recheck my LH levels.
August brings a new month and a new shot at IUI # 2. My baseline confirmed that the cyst is gone. I did have a high LH which concerns me. Of course I googled this and what did I find out...high LH correlates with an increased chance of miscarriage. Great. If I have a 4th miscarriage I seriously don't know what I will do (although I said the same things before # 3). So, I am just going to take one thing at a time.
Estrogen: 34
FSH: 6
LH: 14.2 (somewhat high which I am a little concerned about)
Intrafollicular count: a whopping 22 (maybe more than one follicle will grow this month)
I have a Resolve meeting on Wednesday, my parents are coming up to visit this month, and I have a conference I am attending for infertility and adoptions. Lots going on including work being extremely busy to keep me preoccupied this month. I am going to try to keep my head up :)
I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow (CD8) to see how my body is reacting to the clomid days 3-5 this time around and to recheck my LH levels.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Seriously!?
Just a heads up that this may be a profanity laced rant, but I am not going to apologize because this is my life, my blog, and this is how I roll....
Friday was an awesome day. I decided that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I even went shopping for a few items for my friend's six month old (that I still haven't seen, but am definitely ready to meet). I was in a good mood and on my way to pick up my furbaby from daycare when I decided to check facebook feeds....then the universe decided to kick me in the ass again.
One of my closest friends had a big announcement on FACEBOOK...another baby due in February. Well...isn't that fucking fantastic. I would like to say that I was happy for her, but the truth is I was hurt and pissed. See, there are only four of my girlfriends that know of my TTC struggles and she is one of them. I confide in her and look up to her. For her first child I at least got a phone call. This time I didn't get anything. I was lumped into the "friends" who get notified via a random facebook feed. Would it have changed how I feel? Probably not. Would it have changed the fact that I spent the next four hours in my bed crying hysterically? Probably not. But I sure as shit didn't want to find out through facebook. Last I talked to her was a few weeks ago. She,hubs, and the kid were coming up to Chicago to visit. Was she going to tell me then? Or, was she just too uncomfortable to tell me...hince the facebook feed? Or, better yet is she just oblivious as to how this would affect me?
I am going with the last. This is a perfect example of how others (especially friends) have no fucking clue how I feel. Really facebook?! I mean I haven't even got a text, email, nothing! She had told me that she was going to try for baby #2 sometime around February. So that would mean that she got pregnant probably within one or two cycles. Good for her! So now that all of my married friends have kids now, they are all starting on round two. Actually, I shouldn't even say married friends since my husband's best friend knocked up his now girlfriend on their first date and they now have a child. That is right....their FIRST DATE. And she is seriously C-R-A-Z-Y! How can crazy people get pregnant and not me? How can the pregnant, homeless lady that got kicked out of a bar I was walking by get pregnant and not me? How does everyone else get pregnant and actually deliver a baby except me!!! Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if my male, neutered dog gets pregnant and not me! Shit if I would have known that it would be this difficult to get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy, hubs and I would have had way more unprotected sex years ago.
Seriously the universe is just purposely kicking me in the ass right now.
Friday was an awesome day. I decided that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I even went shopping for a few items for my friend's six month old (that I still haven't seen, but am definitely ready to meet). I was in a good mood and on my way to pick up my furbaby from daycare when I decided to check facebook feeds....then the universe decided to kick me in the ass again.
One of my closest friends had a big announcement on FACEBOOK...another baby due in February. Well...isn't that fucking fantastic. I would like to say that I was happy for her, but the truth is I was hurt and pissed. See, there are only four of my girlfriends that know of my TTC struggles and she is one of them. I confide in her and look up to her. For her first child I at least got a phone call. This time I didn't get anything. I was lumped into the "friends" who get notified via a random facebook feed. Would it have changed how I feel? Probably not. Would it have changed the fact that I spent the next four hours in my bed crying hysterically? Probably not. But I sure as shit didn't want to find out through facebook. Last I talked to her was a few weeks ago. She,hubs, and the kid were coming up to Chicago to visit. Was she going to tell me then? Or, was she just too uncomfortable to tell me...hince the facebook feed? Or, better yet is she just oblivious as to how this would affect me?
I am going with the last. This is a perfect example of how others (especially friends) have no fucking clue how I feel. Really facebook?! I mean I haven't even got a text, email, nothing! She had told me that she was going to try for baby #2 sometime around February. So that would mean that she got pregnant probably within one or two cycles. Good for her! So now that all of my married friends have kids now, they are all starting on round two. Actually, I shouldn't even say married friends since my husband's best friend knocked up his now girlfriend on their first date and they now have a child. That is right....their FIRST DATE. And she is seriously C-R-A-Z-Y! How can crazy people get pregnant and not me? How can the pregnant, homeless lady that got kicked out of a bar I was walking by get pregnant and not me? How does everyone else get pregnant and actually deliver a baby except me!!! Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if my male, neutered dog gets pregnant and not me! Shit if I would have known that it would be this difficult to get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy, hubs and I would have had way more unprotected sex years ago.
Seriously the universe is just purposely kicking me in the ass right now.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Resolve, Weddings, and other Tidbits
Last Wednesday I finally attended my first Resolve meeting. I got to meet some amazing women who offered great advice. I actually felt more relaxed as we drove home. I have been bottling everything up for far to long and it was a relief to meet other women who could relate. I will definitely be going to the meeting in August.
This past weekend my husband and I went to a beautiful wedding. The reception was black tie optional (I had to look up what that meant because clearly I do not attend things like this often) and was held at the Trump Tower in the grand ballroom. We NEVER get dressed up and we rarely go out these days so it was a blast! I actually had a few..well probably more than a few... cocktails, but it was nice to just feel "normal". There weren't even children at the wedding so I didn't have to worry about being sad. Everyone there was just out to have a good time. The couple getting married are good friends of mine and I couldn't be happier for them. They are perfect for each other and I wish them all the happiness to come.
Today, I had a follow up ultrasound to monitor my large cyst. It has shrunk a whole centimeter so good news! It is still painful but I am going to pick up running again tomorrow. I have been going stir crazy. Literally the past week and a half has consisted of me waking up, drinking water, going to the restroom, go to work, drink more water, restroom, water, restroom, water, long walk, restroom and bed....you get the point. I have been trying to flush my system out, but in the meantime my life has been pretty uneventful.
We have decided on Ft. Lauderdale for our mini-vacation. Why Ft. Lauderdale you may ask? Well, we have already spent a considerable amount of money on all this fertility crap so we are trying to go on a cheap vacation. Hubs used his hotel points for a spa/resort right on the beach, and he used his AA points for our flights (the only advantage of hubs traveling all the time). We are also doing a day cruise to the Bahamas. I am pretty excited to be able to lay on the beach, get a massage, have a few drinks, and RELAX!
I am already feeling better about our situation. Maybe it was a blessing to just take a month of. I have had a fun month so far and there is still much to look forward to!
This past weekend my husband and I went to a beautiful wedding. The reception was black tie optional (I had to look up what that meant because clearly I do not attend things like this often) and was held at the Trump Tower in the grand ballroom. We NEVER get dressed up and we rarely go out these days so it was a blast! I actually had a few..well probably more than a few... cocktails, but it was nice to just feel "normal". There weren't even children at the wedding so I didn't have to worry about being sad. Everyone there was just out to have a good time. The couple getting married are good friends of mine and I couldn't be happier for them. They are perfect for each other and I wish them all the happiness to come.
Today, I had a follow up ultrasound to monitor my large cyst. It has shrunk a whole centimeter so good news! It is still painful but I am going to pick up running again tomorrow. I have been going stir crazy. Literally the past week and a half has consisted of me waking up, drinking water, going to the restroom, go to work, drink more water, restroom, water, restroom, water, long walk, restroom and bed....you get the point. I have been trying to flush my system out, but in the meantime my life has been pretty uneventful.
We have decided on Ft. Lauderdale for our mini-vacation. Why Ft. Lauderdale you may ask? Well, we have already spent a considerable amount of money on all this fertility crap so we are trying to go on a cheap vacation. Hubs used his hotel points for a spa/resort right on the beach, and he used his AA points for our flights (the only advantage of hubs traveling all the time). We are also doing a day cruise to the Bahamas. I am pretty excited to be able to lay on the beach, get a massage, have a few drinks, and RELAX!
I am already feeling better about our situation. Maybe it was a blessing to just take a month of. I have had a fun month so far and there is still much to look forward to!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Full Circle
One year ago we were excited about coming off the pill to start a family. Today, we have come full circle and I am now back on birth control. It is funny how things work out. Usually one does not think of going on birth control to GET pregnant. However, that is exactly the case for me.
Yesterday I was again excited because I had my baseline. This is usually the start of a few weeks of optimism before the disappointment sets in. Fast forward to noon...I had just finished working out at the gym when I received a phone call from the nurse. "I am sorry to have to tell you this, unfortunately you have a 26mm cyst on your right ovary. Therefore, we can not start you on clomid until it goes away. Also, since this is a large cyst, we would recommend drinking lots of water and that you refrain from twisting your torso and from exercise." It was just kind of ironic considering I had just finished my three mile run as well as working out on the ab machine (trying to get rid of the extra weight from these fertility meds!). I know this is common with clomid, but it is still disappointing. My regular OB/GYN suggested going back on birth control to help shrink the cyst, level my hormones out, and to control the endometriosis.
So here I am. I am thankful that this month should fly by. We have weddings and birthdays coming up. I am also attending my first Resolve meeting Wednesday. I am excited to finally put some faces to the amazing women I have been in communication with. I am also hoping that by going to the meetings I can get not only information, but that I can begin to address the emotional aspect of what I am feeling. Meeting other women who feel the same way I do should help to address some of the loneliness I feel. My husband has also decided that I deserve a break and we should go on a mini vacation for my birthday. We haven't decided between New York or a beach vacay. We are leaning towards the beach since we already live in a large city and a beach sounds much more relaxing. After all, going to Antigua last year resulted in our longest held pregnancy to date.
So, I hope everyone has a great 4th! Praying July goes by fast. I will check in after my Resolve meeting.
Yesterday I was again excited because I had my baseline. This is usually the start of a few weeks of optimism before the disappointment sets in. Fast forward to noon...I had just finished working out at the gym when I received a phone call from the nurse. "I am sorry to have to tell you this, unfortunately you have a 26mm cyst on your right ovary. Therefore, we can not start you on clomid until it goes away. Also, since this is a large cyst, we would recommend drinking lots of water and that you refrain from twisting your torso and from exercise." It was just kind of ironic considering I had just finished my three mile run as well as working out on the ab machine (trying to get rid of the extra weight from these fertility meds!). I know this is common with clomid, but it is still disappointing. My regular OB/GYN suggested going back on birth control to help shrink the cyst, level my hormones out, and to control the endometriosis.
So here I am. I am thankful that this month should fly by. We have weddings and birthdays coming up. I am also attending my first Resolve meeting Wednesday. I am excited to finally put some faces to the amazing women I have been in communication with. I am also hoping that by going to the meetings I can get not only information, but that I can begin to address the emotional aspect of what I am feeling. Meeting other women who feel the same way I do should help to address some of the loneliness I feel. My husband has also decided that I deserve a break and we should go on a mini vacation for my birthday. We haven't decided between New York or a beach vacay. We are leaning towards the beach since we already live in a large city and a beach sounds much more relaxing. After all, going to Antigua last year resulted in our longest held pregnancy to date.
So, I hope everyone has a great 4th! Praying July goes by fast. I will check in after my Resolve meeting.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Fear, Shame, Sadness, and....Love
Since my beta is tomorrow morning, I broker down and tested. Negative of course. I think the hardest part for me is that I truly have been trying to stay optimistic and positive. I convinced myself that just because I didn't have any symptoms, that didn't necessarily mean I wasn’t pregnant since every pregnancy is different. It is such an effort to convince myself to hang in there and smile because everything will be okay when I have no guarantee that this story will have a happy ending. Every time I get myself back up, infertility knocks me back down. I feel like I am fighting a fight that I don’t have enough energy for. I am tired of the shame and sadness that I feel. And now a new emotion has been introduced…fear.
FEAR
I fear that the end result for me is IVF. I fear that IVF won’t work. I fear that if I do get pregnant I will only miscarry. I fear that we will spend our savings on something that is not guaranteed. I fear the loss of happiness. I fear the loss of hope. I fear the loss of my friends. I fear that the only thing I will end up feeling is failure. I fear the loss of myself….
SHAME
I am shameful that I can’t seem to attack this head on….that I am not strong enough. I feel shameful that I let myself feel defeat so quickly. I feel shameful that my body doesn’t want to cooperate. I feel shameful for the lies I have told my friends to not see them. I feel shameful that I can’t even pick up the phone to call one of my best friends who lives two miles away and explain to her why I haven’t seen her baby, her baby that is SIX months old now! I cry because I miss her and I am running out of excuses to not see her…
SADNESS
I cry because I miss my babies. I cry on the birthday’s that I will never get to celebrate. I cry when I see women with their children. I cry every time I see that one line on a pregnancy test…just one. I cry when my husband holds me, because I can feel his pain too. I cry for the other women who can understand my pain for they have lived this nightmare too…
I don’t know how this all ends. So until then I need to lift my head up….smile if I can….and think about what I do have in my life, the things that I love more than anything and never lose sight of that....and think about one happy moment that can get me through the day...just to make the day a little easier...and one emotion I refuse to let infertility suppress...my love for my family, friends, and life.
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FEAR
I fear that the end result for me is IVF. I fear that IVF won’t work. I fear that if I do get pregnant I will only miscarry. I fear that we will spend our savings on something that is not guaranteed. I fear the loss of happiness. I fear the loss of hope. I fear the loss of my friends. I fear that the only thing I will end up feeling is failure. I fear the loss of myself….
SHAME
I am shameful that I can’t seem to attack this head on….that I am not strong enough. I feel shameful that I let myself feel defeat so quickly. I feel shameful that my body doesn’t want to cooperate. I feel shameful for the lies I have told my friends to not see them. I feel shameful that I can’t even pick up the phone to call one of my best friends who lives two miles away and explain to her why I haven’t seen her baby, her baby that is SIX months old now! I cry because I miss her and I am running out of excuses to not see her…
SADNESS
I cry because I miss my babies. I cry on the birthday’s that I will never get to celebrate. I cry when I see women with their children. I cry every time I see that one line on a pregnancy test…just one. I cry when my husband holds me, because I can feel his pain too. I cry for the other women who can understand my pain for they have lived this nightmare too…
I don’t know how this all ends. So until then I need to lift my head up….smile if I can….and think about what I do have in my life, the things that I love more than anything and never lose sight of that....and think about one happy moment that can get me through the day...just to make the day a little easier...and one emotion I refuse to let infertility suppress...my love for my family, friends, and life.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
6DPIUI
Not much to report. I am in the middle of my 2WW. I feel great other than the terrible post ovulatory cramps. I am not getting to excited over this since I have these cramps every month. I think I had more fluid this month because I have been cramping for four days now and it is bad enough that I have to lay down with a heating pad. I am hoping they will ease up a bit. Otherwise I have zero symptoms. This was my first IUI so I am not going to get too discouraged.
Just trying to pass the time this week. It was hubs and I anniverisary this week. We went to a cubs game and ate at a nice steakhouse. This week is already hectic and flying by thanks to work. I don't have much else to report so I will post once I start testing!
Just trying to pass the time this week. It was hubs and I anniverisary this week. We went to a cubs game and ate at a nice steakhouse. This week is already hectic and flying by thanks to work. I don't have much else to report so I will post once I start testing!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
IUI
Day12 3 follies (L: 12mm, 24mm!, R: 12mm)
LH: 6.96
Progesterone: .372
Estrogen: ? (can't remember)
Due to the large follicle we triggered on day 12 and had an IUI the following two days.
This was my first IUI so I wasn't sure what to expect. I took Clomid days 5-9 w/ an ovidrel shot on day 12.
A couple of strange things happened....Sunday night (CD10) I started having bad cramps and a headache which are typical for me when I ovulate and I usually ovulate around day 12. The cramps continued into Monday so on Monday I took an ovulation predictor test and it was positive for my LH surge. Now...when this surge started I have no idea.
I was pretty upset because my monitoring appointment wasn't even until Tuesday meaning the earliest I could do the IUI was Wednesday. I was already a little upset that they had me come on day 12 for my first monitoring appointment when I usually ovulate early. What does this all mean...well, I absolutely broke down at my monitoring appointment. On Tuesday the ultrasound tech told me I had fluid in my pelvic cavity and one of the follicles (one of the 12mm ones) was more dense leading her to believe I may have ovulated. Upset was only the beginning of what I felt. Later in the day when I got my bloodwork, the nurse confirmed my progesterone would have been above 3 if I had already ovulated and my LH higher than 10. So I am entirely confused. I took TWO different tests, one a digital smiley face test and one a cheap line test. Both were positive. Along with two separate tests showing I had my LH surge, and the cramps, and the headache, and with the information from the ultrasound tech....something just doesn't fit? Long story short, the nurse told me to trigger that night because one of my follicles was 24 mm!!! Isn't that too big?
I have so many things running through my mind as I begin my 2WW. Did I ovulate before the IUI? Why do my ovaries ache? How can an IUI decrease your chances of miscarriage? Agh! I am going to try to stop thinking about everything for now and focus on just trying to get through the next two weeks.
Positives for the day:
The IUI nurse is amazing. She is from Ireland and is the most nurturing woman. Another positive is that according to the nurse my husband had the best swimmers of the day and overall numbers. This was after I had to ask her for the numbers because my husband seemed so freaking concerned about it. So, does this mean all the nurses take bets each morning on who will produce the best?! Probably not, but the thought makes me laugh as well as my husband's reaction when I told him :) It would be funny if she was just making that up just so hubs would smile.
LH: 6.96
Progesterone: .372
Estrogen: ? (can't remember)
Due to the large follicle we triggered on day 12 and had an IUI the following two days.
This was my first IUI so I wasn't sure what to expect. I took Clomid days 5-9 w/ an ovidrel shot on day 12.
A couple of strange things happened....Sunday night (CD10) I started having bad cramps and a headache which are typical for me when I ovulate and I usually ovulate around day 12. The cramps continued into Monday so on Monday I took an ovulation predictor test and it was positive for my LH surge. Now...when this surge started I have no idea.
I was pretty upset because my monitoring appointment wasn't even until Tuesday meaning the earliest I could do the IUI was Wednesday. I was already a little upset that they had me come on day 12 for my first monitoring appointment when I usually ovulate early. What does this all mean...well, I absolutely broke down at my monitoring appointment. On Tuesday the ultrasound tech told me I had fluid in my pelvic cavity and one of the follicles (one of the 12mm ones) was more dense leading her to believe I may have ovulated. Upset was only the beginning of what I felt. Later in the day when I got my bloodwork, the nurse confirmed my progesterone would have been above 3 if I had already ovulated and my LH higher than 10. So I am entirely confused. I took TWO different tests, one a digital smiley face test and one a cheap line test. Both were positive. Along with two separate tests showing I had my LH surge, and the cramps, and the headache, and with the information from the ultrasound tech....something just doesn't fit? Long story short, the nurse told me to trigger that night because one of my follicles was 24 mm!!! Isn't that too big?
I have so many things running through my mind as I begin my 2WW. Did I ovulate before the IUI? Why do my ovaries ache? How can an IUI decrease your chances of miscarriage? Agh! I am going to try to stop thinking about everything for now and focus on just trying to get through the next two weeks.
Positives for the day:
The IUI nurse is amazing. She is from Ireland and is the most nurturing woman. Another positive is that according to the nurse my husband had the best swimmers of the day and overall numbers. This was after I had to ask her for the numbers because my husband seemed so freaking concerned about it. So, does this mean all the nurses take bets each morning on who will produce the best?! Probably not, but the thought makes me laugh as well as my husband's reaction when I told him :) It would be funny if she was just making that up just so hubs would smile.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Due Date
Two days ago (the 8th) was my first due date. Tadpole...the only one we nicknamed. It came and went without much emotion. I think I tend to push away the thought before I allow myself to feel anything. Ignoring it seems much easier. Then you have a day like yesterday where I couldn't suppress the thought of it. I had a lump in my throat the entire day. Everywhere I turned there was something to remind me of what I lost. I couldn't wait for the sun to set so I could crawl into bed and again pretend like the last year never happened. But then I feel guilty....that I am not letting myself mourn the baby we lost...like I owe it to our lost baby to think about what happened. I found a poem on a support website that reminded me of how I feel.
It is all so incredibly sad. Perhaps I should stop trying to ignore how I feel because I don't think the sadness ever goes way. I have to just remember how happy I was. And although I was only pregnant for a little over two months...those were the two best months I ever had...I just wish I knew how this whole journey ends...
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown
It is all so incredibly sad. Perhaps I should stop trying to ignore how I feel because I don't think the sadness ever goes way. I have to just remember how happy I was. And although I was only pregnant for a little over two months...those were the two best months I ever had...I just wish I knew how this whole journey ends...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Overwhelmed
Today is CD1 for me. I just finished with a quick consult over the phone regarding my IUI this month. Apparently I am quite ignorant. For some reason I thought I was going to have to take one pill by month (similar to BC) and then have to go in around the time I will ovulate and they will use a turkey baster type thing and try and impregnate me. I've seen it done on TV with cows. No big deal I can do that! I did not know I would be having to take three different medications and I will need a sharps container? I am doing a non-injectable cycle so why did the pharmacy tell me to go online and check out video on how to give injections? I am so confused. I guess I will have to ask questions at my monitoring appointment on Tuesday. I also worry that these fertility drugs will make me more predisposed to ovarian cancer. My mother is an ovarian cancer survivor and I in no way want to go through what she did.
I am also for some reason extremely moody. I pretty much dislike everyone and everything today. I think I am just overwhelmed and I hope that I am not moving forward too fast. I really did enjoy the last two months of not having to think about all this fertility crap. It feels like it will never end....but yet it is really only the beginning. AGHHH! Seriously can't wait for acupuncture tomorrow.
Update: the second opinion with a different RE was good but confused me more. You could tell both RE's came from two entirely different perspectives and probably wouldn't get along if placed in the same room with one another. The second opinion RE wanted me to get an endometrium biopsy which I am just not willing to do at this moment after just having a lap done. Glad I went but sticking with FCI. They have been wonderful with me thus far so I have no reason to go another direction. All I want is a flipping baby!!! Why is this so hard for me!
I am also for some reason extremely moody. I pretty much dislike everyone and everything today. I think I am just overwhelmed and I hope that I am not moving forward too fast. I really did enjoy the last two months of not having to think about all this fertility crap. It feels like it will never end....but yet it is really only the beginning. AGHHH! Seriously can't wait for acupuncture tomorrow.
Update: the second opinion with a different RE was good but confused me more. You could tell both RE's came from two entirely different perspectives and probably wouldn't get along if placed in the same room with one another. The second opinion RE wanted me to get an endometrium biopsy which I am just not willing to do at this moment after just having a lap done. Glad I went but sticking with FCI. They have been wonderful with me thus far so I have no reason to go another direction. All I want is a flipping baby!!! Why is this so hard for me!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Finally Ready
After a much needed break from POS (whether it is OPK's or near the end of the 2WW) and fretting over every single sympton or non-symptom, we are finally ready to pursue our options. I am excited, exhausted, and apprehensive. Tomorrow we will be getting a second opinion with another RE. This was the first appointment I booked back in March...a referral from my OB/GYN. This RE has a program only for women who have re-current miscarriages. It took this long to get in so I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea for her to look over my test results from my current RE so we can hear another opinion. Maybe she will suggest something else. I feel like I am cheating on my current RE. Oh well, it can't hurt right?
Unless the RE we are seeing tomorrow has a different opinion...hubs and I are pretty set on beginning an IUI cycle starting the first week in June. If that is not successfull, we will probably jump straight to IVF. I feel as if I have no idea what I am getting myself into, but I know I can't handle one more positive pregnancy test just to lose it days or weeks later.
On a positive note...I started acupuncture and am going weekly. To be honest, I don't really get it but if it works like some say then why not try it. We are also heading back to Kansas this weekend. We haven't seen our families since Christmas so I am beyond excited!!! Hopefully the tornadoes stay away. I have been praying for all of those poor people in Joplin, MO which is just east of my husband's hometown. Hopefully they are able to get a break soon.
Unless the RE we are seeing tomorrow has a different opinion...hubs and I are pretty set on beginning an IUI cycle starting the first week in June. If that is not successfull, we will probably jump straight to IVF. I feel as if I have no idea what I am getting myself into, but I know I can't handle one more positive pregnancy test just to lose it days or weeks later.
On a positive note...I started acupuncture and am going weekly. To be honest, I don't really get it but if it works like some say then why not try it. We are also heading back to Kansas this weekend. We haven't seen our families since Christmas so I am beyond excited!!! Hopefully the tornadoes stay away. I have been praying for all of those poor people in Joplin, MO which is just east of my husband's hometown. Hopefully they are able to get a break soon.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Lap
So I finally had my lap and hysteroscopy on Thursday. The lap just confirmed what we already knew. Five fibroids all on the outside of the uterus with the largest measuring over 6 cm. This should not be a reason for RPL according to the surgeon. Also, endometriosis in the cul-de-sac. Now according to the surgeon 50% of all women have endometriosis so this shouldn't be a big deal and it is not what is causing me pain...um...I disagree. WTF!? I just feel that her statement verifies the fact that most regular gyne's just don't know a whole lot about endometriosis. I was told by several women to go see a true endo specialist for the exact reason that most gyne's don't know what they are talking about with endometriosis and their treatment of it. However, considering there are only like ten such doctors, I did not want to go out of state to have surgery when I didn't know for sure if I have endo. So this is my fault and perhaps I will regret my decision. The good news is the hysterscopy showed no scarring from the D&C or polyps.
I am actually feeling pretty good. Took some pain pills the first day and watched Black Swan (which really made me trip out). I am eating plenty of ice cream :) and just trying to prepare myself for work tomorrow. Hopefully this anesthesia will wear off soon so I don't appear drunk tomorrow. I have to interview several new potential employees this week and I'm pretty sure coming across as a drugged up, loopy, crazy person is not the image my company is wanting me to portray.
I am actually feeling pretty good. Took some pain pills the first day and watched Black Swan (which really made me trip out). I am eating plenty of ice cream :) and just trying to prepare myself for work tomorrow. Hopefully this anesthesia will wear off soon so I don't appear drunk tomorrow. I have to interview several new potential employees this week and I'm pretty sure coming across as a drugged up, loopy, crazy person is not the image my company is wanting me to portray.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day (Sigh)
Today was a hard day, I'm not going to lie. I was supposed to be going on nine months pregnant today. I will never get to hold the babies I have lost. I do believe that women who are struggling with infertility or who have suffered multiple miscarriages often are forgotten on this day. However, I will be remembering those women who have been tested, prodded, and some of whom have had multiple surgeries all in the hopes of having a child.
I am trying to concentrate on all the good I have. I have a wonderful, strong mother who I look up to everyday and love very much. I also have a wonderful mother-in-law who always lets me know she is thinking of me. Hubs has been nothing but supportive of me, especially throughout this past year. Lastly, I am a mom to the cutest furbaby ever. My baby definitely puts a smile on my face. Clifton, I love you very very much!
I am trying to concentrate on all the good I have. I have a wonderful, strong mother who I look up to everyday and love very much. I also have a wonderful mother-in-law who always lets me know she is thinking of me. Hubs has been nothing but supportive of me, especially throughout this past year. Lastly, I am a mom to the cutest furbaby ever. My baby definitely puts a smile on my face. Clifton, I love you very very much!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
In Memory of...
It started with a dream, a very vivid dream that I was in fact pregnant. I jumped out of bed at five in the morning and sure enough...positive. The first month of TTC. Wow this was easy! Those were the days when I was naive and I didn't know any better. Sure I knew there were miscarriages, but six other couples that we knew were all pregnant and non of them had a miscarriage. So I wrapped myself up in all of the thoughts any first time mom-to-be would think about. How would we tell our parents? How we should start decorating the spare bedroom? When is our due date? It was our little secret for the time being and we allowed ourselves to dream of the endless possibilities...
The rest is somewhat of a blur. I remember waking up on a Sunday somewhere in the 7th week thinking I felt great. My symptoms disappeared. Then came the spotting a couple of days later...then the ultrasound the next week showing a blighted ovum. After waiting in a waiting room full of pregnant women for six hours we finally were able to see the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy was non-viable. Apparently my body didn't want to make this easy for me since it was not wanting to miscarry on its own. I opted for the D&C since the doctor said it could be weeks before I miscarried and she warned me that the medicine is not pleasant and does not always get everything out. So D&C it was.
I never talked about it much. It is what it is. Or perhaps this is just me trying to put an end to what could have been or that I want everyone to know I am okay. But the truth is...this baby was a part of me. We referred to the baby as Tadpole. I thought how cute that a little tadpole is swimming around. All of my dreams were of a baby girl. We will never know for sure the gender, but I believe what I believe. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about our angel baby...nor the losses that followed. But, Tadpole was the hardest so far...because I dreamed what i wanted to dream...and did not suppress my excitement. I was optimistic and happy. I thank Tadpole for that...that i was able to enjoy the naivety and excitement of pregnancy with little fears...even if for only a little over two months....
The rest is somewhat of a blur. I remember waking up on a Sunday somewhere in the 7th week thinking I felt great. My symptoms disappeared. Then came the spotting a couple of days later...then the ultrasound the next week showing a blighted ovum. After waiting in a waiting room full of pregnant women for six hours we finally were able to see the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy was non-viable. Apparently my body didn't want to make this easy for me since it was not wanting to miscarry on its own. I opted for the D&C since the doctor said it could be weeks before I miscarried and she warned me that the medicine is not pleasant and does not always get everything out. So D&C it was.
I never talked about it much. It is what it is. Or perhaps this is just me trying to put an end to what could have been or that I want everyone to know I am okay. But the truth is...this baby was a part of me. We referred to the baby as Tadpole. I thought how cute that a little tadpole is swimming around. All of my dreams were of a baby girl. We will never know for sure the gender, but I believe what I believe. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about our angel baby...nor the losses that followed. But, Tadpole was the hardest so far...because I dreamed what i wanted to dream...and did not suppress my excitement. I was optimistic and happy. I thank Tadpole for that...that i was able to enjoy the naivety and excitement of pregnancy with little fears...even if for only a little over two months....
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