In Memory of...

It started with a dream, a very vivid dream that I was in fact pregnant. I jumped out of bed at five in the morning and sure enough...positive.  The first month of TTC.  Wow this was easy!  Those were the days when I was naive and I didn't know any better.  Sure I knew there were miscarriages, but six other couples that we knew were all pregnant and non of them had a miscarriage. So I wrapped myself up in all of the thoughts any first time mom-to-be would think about. How would we tell our parents? How we should start decorating the spare bedroom? When is our due date?  It was our little secret for the time being and we allowed ourselves to dream of the endless possibilities...

The rest is somewhat of a blur.  I remember waking up on a Sunday somewhere in the 7th week thinking I felt great.  My symptoms disappeared. Then came the spotting a couple of days later...then the ultrasound the next week showing a blighted ovum.  After waiting in a waiting room full of pregnant women for six hours we finally were able to see the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy was non-viable.  Apparently my body didn't want to make this easy for me since it was not wanting to miscarry on its own. I opted for the D&C since the doctor said it could be weeks before I miscarried and she warned me that the medicine is not pleasant and does not always get everything out. So  D&C it was.

I never talked about it much.  It is what it is. Or perhaps this is just me trying to put an end to what could have been or that I want everyone to know I am okay.  But the truth is...this baby was a part of me.  We referred to the baby as Tadpole.  I thought how cute that a little tadpole is swimming around. All of my dreams were of a baby girl.  We will never know for sure the gender, but I believe what I believe.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about our angel baby...nor the losses that followed.  But, Tadpole was the hardest so far...because I dreamed what i wanted to dream...and did not suppress my excitement.  I was optimistic and happy.  I thank Tadpole for that...that i was able to enjoy the naivety and excitement of pregnancy with little fears...even if for only a little over two months....