Of the 5 frozen embryos, only 1 made it through the thaw. The lab claims a 98% thaw rate. Nobody can understand or tell me how this happened. 4 "good" quality 5 and 6 day blasts all arrested. Lots of tears were shed with the realization that our family would not be completed with our remaining embryos.
We put 1 embryo in and miscarried on 7-31-14 (Happy f'ing birthday to me).
Pretty much in shock even a month later.
Had my annual infertility labs drawn this month....FSH 9.5 and AMH .86. Basically my body is wanting to go into menopause at the age of 34. Again...shocked/numb. My labs were always perfect, even a year ago. A year ago my FSH was 3 something and AMH was 2.2. How is this happening?
CCRM phone consult scheduled for 10-2-14 with Dr. Surrey. We have lost hope that any clinic can help us in Kansas City.
The two year break of not having to think about this infertility crap is over. Just thinking every day of all the other ways that I am blessed so I do not sink back into that dark hole again.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Second Time Around...
I can't believe it has been a year and a half since I last posted. So much has happened. We have moved to Kansas, both my husband and I changed jobs, I had a myomectomy in July '13, I got pregnant naturally in September '13, I miscarried in November '13, my daughter is about ready to turn 2, and I am gearing up for my first FET!!! Whew! That is a summary of the past year and a half.
I just found myself looking up information from my IVF. I am so glad I documented everything because I have forgotten so much. I am currently in the estrogen priming phase of the FET. I am suffering a horrible migraine, but other than that I am just counting down the days. My tentative transfer date is July 14th. We have 5 blasts left that we shipped from Chicago. I am excited, but ever so cautious. The odds that I will miscarry are much higher than me actually carrying a healthy baby so I have to be guarded.
I am so happy to see so many of my "blogger friends" either pregnant or have already had another baby! So much has happened. Congrats to those of you. And to those of you still trying...my heart goes out to you. I hate all of the emotional BS that goes along with treatments. It took me two years to even think of starting treatments again because I just didn't want to go to "that emotional state" again. It takes so much out of you.
I will try to update later. Hugs to you all.
I just found myself looking up information from my IVF. I am so glad I documented everything because I have forgotten so much. I am currently in the estrogen priming phase of the FET. I am suffering a horrible migraine, but other than that I am just counting down the days. My tentative transfer date is July 14th. We have 5 blasts left that we shipped from Chicago. I am excited, but ever so cautious. The odds that I will miscarry are much higher than me actually carrying a healthy baby so I have to be guarded.
I am so happy to see so many of my "blogger friends" either pregnant or have already had another baby! So much has happened. Congrats to those of you. And to those of you still trying...my heart goes out to you. I hate all of the emotional BS that goes along with treatments. It took me two years to even think of starting treatments again because I just didn't want to go to "that emotional state" again. It takes so much out of you.
I will try to update later. Hugs to you all.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Playing Catch Up
I have been severely slacking on my blog. I don't have too much time to update, but I wanted to leave you with some of my favorite Halloween pictures. Yes you read that right...Halloween. I am only two months behind...
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I'm Still Here!
First, I just wanted to say that I am still reading everybody's blogs. I have taken several months off from blogging, but that doesn't mean that I still don't check in on everyone!
After visiting with one of my "mom" friends back home, she told me that she regretted not writing everything down. She now has her second baby and she told me she couldn't remember anything from her first. That got me thinking that I needed to start blogging again!
So how are things? Busy, busy, busy. I just can't imagine my life without my little one. Clara is doing wonderful. She has quite the personality. She loves her routine and anything outside of that routine equals a meltdown.
Routine:
7 a.m. : Wake up for the day
8: a.m.: feed then play
9 a.m. : nap until 11 a.m.
11 a.m.: feed then play
12:30 p.m.: 2nd nap for 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.
2 p.m. : feed then play
4 p.m. : nap
5 p.m. : feed then play
7 p.m. : feed then bath
8 p.m. : bed
10 p.m. : sometimes a dream feed depending on how well she ate for the day
2-3 a.m. : feed and put right back down
Sleep:
Our little one was doing so well at night and sleeping until 5 a.m., but then the 3 month growth spurt and wonder week happened. We knew her sleeping schedule would probably change as we had been forwarned by some of our friends.
Another obstacle as it relates to sleep...Clara began rolling over from back to tummy around 10 weeks. This was great, except that she ALSO began rolling over while being swaddled at night. She has been in her crib since 3 weeks, and it was terrifying to look at the monitor to see her face down with her arms bound by her side. Needless to say we quit swaddling cold turkey at 2 a.m. Since she is still only three months, she still has her moro reflex so it is nearly impossible for her to sleep at night with her arms free. The solution: The Magic Sleep Suit. I am not kidding when I say that this marshmellow man looking suit has been a miricle for us. Every mom wants to find that perfect solution to get their little one to sleep. Well this was our solution and it works beautifully. She naps so well in it and sleeps well at night. We will transition her out of the suit around 9 months.
Feeding:
I really should write an entire separate post for this and perhaps I will, but I will just summarize our experience. I have a very small supply since I have PCOS. Tried everything. Had bloodwork to check prolactin levels, and they are at the level of a non-lactating woman. Clara started losing weight. Then I became an exclusive pumper. Supplmented one bottle of formula a day. Tried fenugreek, oatmeal, water, and Reglan. Very bitter at the pump. It sucks. The pump gets more attention than my daughter. Now I have a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance which is making my daughter sick and giving her diaherria. My OB thinks I am crazy for even still trying. I realize my daughter will be absolutely fine if I have to resort to formula....probably will feel even better seeing as she won't have to deal with too much foremilk. I wish there wasn't such a pressure for women to nurse. It isn't always best. People who feed their babies formula are not going to have less healthy babies as a result. It is all BS. Don't know how much longer I can do this. End of story. Can you sense my bitterness with nursing/pumping? Alright next subject...
Milestones:
I try not to get too obsessed with milestones. I want to be able to enjoy my daughter, not stress out over every milestone met or not met. It is all relative. All babies are different. I will say that the most rewarding milestone is when Clara started laughing and baby "talking". She is such a happy baby. My favorite moment of the day is going into her room in the morning and "talking" to her in her crib. She will just talk away and giggle at me. It is my favorite time with her. I will talk to her, she will lift her eyebrows up in understanding, and she will baby talk back to me. AMAZING :)
Hope everyone is doing well! I will post again soon.
After visiting with one of my "mom" friends back home, she told me that she regretted not writing everything down. She now has her second baby and she told me she couldn't remember anything from her first. That got me thinking that I needed to start blogging again!
So how are things? Busy, busy, busy. I just can't imagine my life without my little one. Clara is doing wonderful. She has quite the personality. She loves her routine and anything outside of that routine equals a meltdown.
Routine:
7 a.m. : Wake up for the day
8: a.m.: feed then play
9 a.m. : nap until 11 a.m.
11 a.m.: feed then play
12:30 p.m.: 2nd nap for 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.
2 p.m. : feed then play
4 p.m. : nap
5 p.m. : feed then play
7 p.m. : feed then bath
8 p.m. : bed
10 p.m. : sometimes a dream feed depending on how well she ate for the day
2-3 a.m. : feed and put right back down
Sleep:
Our little one was doing so well at night and sleeping until 5 a.m., but then the 3 month growth spurt and wonder week happened. We knew her sleeping schedule would probably change as we had been forwarned by some of our friends.
Another obstacle as it relates to sleep...Clara began rolling over from back to tummy around 10 weeks. This was great, except that she ALSO began rolling over while being swaddled at night. She has been in her crib since 3 weeks, and it was terrifying to look at the monitor to see her face down with her arms bound by her side. Needless to say we quit swaddling cold turkey at 2 a.m. Since she is still only three months, she still has her moro reflex so it is nearly impossible for her to sleep at night with her arms free. The solution: The Magic Sleep Suit. I am not kidding when I say that this marshmellow man looking suit has been a miricle for us. Every mom wants to find that perfect solution to get their little one to sleep. Well this was our solution and it works beautifully. She naps so well in it and sleeps well at night. We will transition her out of the suit around 9 months.
Feeding:
I really should write an entire separate post for this and perhaps I will, but I will just summarize our experience. I have a very small supply since I have PCOS. Tried everything. Had bloodwork to check prolactin levels, and they are at the level of a non-lactating woman. Clara started losing weight. Then I became an exclusive pumper. Supplmented one bottle of formula a day. Tried fenugreek, oatmeal, water, and Reglan. Very bitter at the pump. It sucks. The pump gets more attention than my daughter. Now I have a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance which is making my daughter sick and giving her diaherria. My OB thinks I am crazy for even still trying. I realize my daughter will be absolutely fine if I have to resort to formula....probably will feel even better seeing as she won't have to deal with too much foremilk. I wish there wasn't such a pressure for women to nurse. It isn't always best. People who feed their babies formula are not going to have less healthy babies as a result. It is all BS. Don't know how much longer I can do this. End of story. Can you sense my bitterness with nursing/pumping? Alright next subject...
Milestones:
I try not to get too obsessed with milestones. I want to be able to enjoy my daughter, not stress out over every milestone met or not met. It is all relative. All babies are different. I will say that the most rewarding milestone is when Clara started laughing and baby "talking". She is such a happy baby. My favorite moment of the day is going into her room in the morning and "talking" to her in her crib. She will just talk away and giggle at me. It is my favorite time with her. I will talk to her, she will lift her eyebrows up in understanding, and she will baby talk back to me. AMAZING :)
Hope everyone is doing well! I will post again soon.
Clara falling asleep during her 1 month photo shoot.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Baby Clara Elise
First, I want to apologize for my absence the last two weeks. It is so sweet that some of you were worried, and I feel awful that I haven't been able to update everyone. My original post was way to flipping long, and to be honest the last two weeks have been somewhat of a blur (mainly due to sleep deprivation). So, I will try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.
Backtracking to Tuesday July 3rd, my NST did not go well to say the least. The baby's heart arrhythmia sounded terrible...almost every fourth beat. Wednesday July 4th I was confirmed for a last minute c-section the following day at 10:00 a.m.
The c-section itself was pretty uneventful. There were two OB's performing my surgery due to the possibility of heavy bleeding due to my fibroids which ended up not being an issue. The doctors were amazing and I just want to hug both of them for doing such a great job in the absence of my entrusted OB who was on vacation. As far as the baby goes, there was a pediatric cardiologist as well as a NICU team on hand to tend to our daughter as soon as she was born.
Clara Elise was born on July 5th at 11:16 a.m. weighing 7lbs 5 oz. She was kicking and screaming and absolutely beautiful! My husband was able to finally hold her after the NICU team checked her over. The time was short lived before they took her away again. The cardiologist wanted to perform a 24 hour EKG to eliminate the possibility of a secondary heart block. On top of the heart issue, Clara had very low blood sugar so was put on IV fluids and fed formula every 3 hours. The first NICU nurse allowed me to put Clara to the breast immediately, but she did not want to work for any breast milk or the lack thereof because she had already been fed two bottles of formula due to low blood sugar by the time I was able to visit her five hours after my surgery (I will save my struggle with breastfeeding and how I overcame the challenges in my next post). It was heartbreaking to see her tiny body hooked up to all kinds of machines and an IV.
The cardiologist met with us on Friday and delivered the great news...CLARA ONLY HAD 20 PREMATURE ATRIAL CONTRACTIONS IN 24 HOURS!!! This is opposed to having one every four beats while inside me. The doctor also said that there was no evidence of a secondary heart block. So needless to say I feel very good about having her when I did. I can't even explain the relief I felt. I couldn't stop crying after receiving the news. Now the only thing we were waiting on was for Clara's blood sugar levels to rise so that she could be released from NICU and stay with us in the hospital room.
To sum up the rest of our hospital stay, Clara was in NICU for a little over two days. My husband came down with strep throat somewhere in the middle of that and couldn't visit us for 36 hours after starting antibiotics. Yes you read that right. Fucking strep throat...seriously?! BUT, we were finally able to leave the hospital on Monday with the most precious gift ever :)
The rest of the week was met with many challenges, lack of sleep, and an overwhelming feeling that I have no idea what I am doing. I realize that these feelings are normal. I also realize how lucky I am, and I do not take for granted anything that I have been blessed with. She is precious.
I am leaving you with some pictures that I have taken with my fancy pants DSLR camera that I never really used until now. Enjoy!
Backtracking to Tuesday July 3rd, my NST did not go well to say the least. The baby's heart arrhythmia sounded terrible...almost every fourth beat. Wednesday July 4th I was confirmed for a last minute c-section the following day at 10:00 a.m.
The c-section itself was pretty uneventful. There were two OB's performing my surgery due to the possibility of heavy bleeding due to my fibroids which ended up not being an issue. The doctors were amazing and I just want to hug both of them for doing such a great job in the absence of my entrusted OB who was on vacation. As far as the baby goes, there was a pediatric cardiologist as well as a NICU team on hand to tend to our daughter as soon as she was born.
Clara Elise was born on July 5th at 11:16 a.m. weighing 7lbs 5 oz. She was kicking and screaming and absolutely beautiful! My husband was able to finally hold her after the NICU team checked her over. The time was short lived before they took her away again. The cardiologist wanted to perform a 24 hour EKG to eliminate the possibility of a secondary heart block. On top of the heart issue, Clara had very low blood sugar so was put on IV fluids and fed formula every 3 hours. The first NICU nurse allowed me to put Clara to the breast immediately, but she did not want to work for any breast milk or the lack thereof because she had already been fed two bottles of formula due to low blood sugar by the time I was able to visit her five hours after my surgery (I will save my struggle with breastfeeding and how I overcame the challenges in my next post). It was heartbreaking to see her tiny body hooked up to all kinds of machines and an IV.
The cardiologist met with us on Friday and delivered the great news...CLARA ONLY HAD 20 PREMATURE ATRIAL CONTRACTIONS IN 24 HOURS!!! This is opposed to having one every four beats while inside me. The doctor also said that there was no evidence of a secondary heart block. So needless to say I feel very good about having her when I did. I can't even explain the relief I felt. I couldn't stop crying after receiving the news. Now the only thing we were waiting on was for Clara's blood sugar levels to rise so that she could be released from NICU and stay with us in the hospital room.
To sum up the rest of our hospital stay, Clara was in NICU for a little over two days. My husband came down with strep throat somewhere in the middle of that and couldn't visit us for 36 hours after starting antibiotics. Yes you read that right. Fucking strep throat...seriously?! BUT, we were finally able to leave the hospital on Monday with the most precious gift ever :)
The rest of the week was met with many challenges, lack of sleep, and an overwhelming feeling that I have no idea what I am doing. I realize that these feelings are normal. I also realize how lucky I am, and I do not take for granted anything that I have been blessed with. She is precious.
I am leaving you with some pictures that I have taken with my fancy pants DSLR camera that I never really used until now. Enjoy!
Tummy time not going so well...
Proud Papa
Friday, June 29, 2012
Pediatric Cardiologist
I wish I had a more clear picture of what is going on with our baby girl, but I still feel like I don't quite understand anything. Last night I got about three hours of sleep before I woke up to go to the restroom. I then refused to go back to sleep until I could feel the baby move. Two hours later and with dawn breaking, I finally felt a couple of kicks in a row and went back to sleep. Feeling movement has become an obsession now that I know there is something wrong with the baby. I felt as if I was in a coma getting ready for our cardiology appointment this morning. I don't even feel like I am alive. The last week has been a very trying time.
"I need to call my collegue and discuss a few things. I will be right back." This is the response we received from the pediatric cardiologist after an hour long echocardiogram. I just sat back on the examine table and cried. We were told at the beginning of the appointment that most likely the baby had premature atrial contractions (PAC's) which will most likely resolve on its own. It is easy to detect and the cardiologist would have been able to tell right away. So, I can't even explain the emotion I felt when she had to leave the room to get a second opinion. Wasn't this supposed to be a simple diagnosis?
The conclusion...they think the baby MAY have PAC's, but there were other things going on that were characteristic of a secondary heart block. So what is a heart block? Well, there can be varying degrees of heart blocks that are usually found in a fetus when a mother suffers from an autoimmune disease such as lupus or Sjorgen's disease. An individual with a third degree heart block will probably need a pacemaker for life and if found in a fetus, there is a 15% mortality rate. Third degree heart blocks are quite serious and need immediate attention. Sometimes second degree heart blocks can turn into a third degree heart block. Heart blocks are very RARE. However, since heart blocks in a fetus are usually caused by an issue with the mother, I wonder if it is safer to take the baby earlier so as not to make the condition worse? Since the cardiologist and my doctor are not 100% sure of the issue, I did not get a real answer on this. To me it seems ridiculous that I would wait until 40 weeks to deliver. However, the hospital I am delivering at will only deliver before 39 weeks if the PAC or heart block turns into tachyardia (very fast heart rhythm). The thought is that if it isn't a heart block, then the heart may still develop better in utero. The baby will have an EKG right after birth and will be monitored.
So, the plan....NST's tomorrow, Monday, Thursday, and the following Monday again before my scheduled c-section on Wednesday. Also, labs will be drawn on Monday to test for autoimmune disorders. I have already been tested for the lupus anticoagulant in my recurrent loss panel and to my surprise I actually tested out of range for one of the components. I never knew this until today while going through the labwork. Therefore, I will be tested again with a different test. The modified plan....if my NST sounds terrible on Monday, then they will try to bump my c-section to Thursday, July 5th. It will be performed by someone else in the practice since my OB is on vacation. I trust my OB fully, so having someone else do my c-section does scare me. But if we feel it needs to be done, then we will do it next week.
I don't know what to think about all of this and I apologize for this being so long. All I can do is hope and pray that this is just PAC's and it will go away shortly after birth. No big deal. All the worry was for nothing. God I pray that this is the case. Until then, the latest our baby girl will be here is in 12 days. I just have to trust that everything will be okay until then.
"I need to call my collegue and discuss a few things. I will be right back." This is the response we received from the pediatric cardiologist after an hour long echocardiogram. I just sat back on the examine table and cried. We were told at the beginning of the appointment that most likely the baby had premature atrial contractions (PAC's) which will most likely resolve on its own. It is easy to detect and the cardiologist would have been able to tell right away. So, I can't even explain the emotion I felt when she had to leave the room to get a second opinion. Wasn't this supposed to be a simple diagnosis?
The conclusion...they think the baby MAY have PAC's, but there were other things going on that were characteristic of a secondary heart block. So what is a heart block? Well, there can be varying degrees of heart blocks that are usually found in a fetus when a mother suffers from an autoimmune disease such as lupus or Sjorgen's disease. An individual with a third degree heart block will probably need a pacemaker for life and if found in a fetus, there is a 15% mortality rate. Third degree heart blocks are quite serious and need immediate attention. Sometimes second degree heart blocks can turn into a third degree heart block. Heart blocks are very RARE. However, since heart blocks in a fetus are usually caused by an issue with the mother, I wonder if it is safer to take the baby earlier so as not to make the condition worse? Since the cardiologist and my doctor are not 100% sure of the issue, I did not get a real answer on this. To me it seems ridiculous that I would wait until 40 weeks to deliver. However, the hospital I am delivering at will only deliver before 39 weeks if the PAC or heart block turns into tachyardia (very fast heart rhythm). The thought is that if it isn't a heart block, then the heart may still develop better in utero. The baby will have an EKG right after birth and will be monitored.
So, the plan....NST's tomorrow, Monday, Thursday, and the following Monday again before my scheduled c-section on Wednesday. Also, labs will be drawn on Monday to test for autoimmune disorders. I have already been tested for the lupus anticoagulant in my recurrent loss panel and to my surprise I actually tested out of range for one of the components. I never knew this until today while going through the labwork. Therefore, I will be tested again with a different test. The modified plan....if my NST sounds terrible on Monday, then they will try to bump my c-section to Thursday, July 5th. It will be performed by someone else in the practice since my OB is on vacation. I trust my OB fully, so having someone else do my c-section does scare me. But if we feel it needs to be done, then we will do it next week.
I don't know what to think about all of this and I apologize for this being so long. All I can do is hope and pray that this is just PAC's and it will go away shortly after birth. No big deal. All the worry was for nothing. God I pray that this is the case. Until then, the latest our baby girl will be here is in 12 days. I just have to trust that everything will be okay until then.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Worry
I have been super paranoid this entire pregnancy. Obviously, my road to parenthood has not been easy. I worry constantly because lets face it, we have had a lot of heartache. Throughout this pregnancy I have had this constant feeling that something will go wrong. So far all of the issues have been "me" related. I can handle issues with me such as fibroid degeneration and contractions. The baby has always been great. Absolutely perfect...until now.
I am not going to go on and on about what happened because to be quite frank, I am tired. The short of it is that after having very little fetal movement for 3 days, I whipped out my home doppler Tuesday morning to give myself that extra reassurance until my weekly NST on Wednesday. Something didn't sound right. The baby's heart rate kept stopping. I changed the batteries in the doppler, shook it, checked my own heart rate, and checked the baby's heart rate again. Thump, thump, thump, thump (silence), thump, thump (silence), thump.....My heart began racing and I decided to just finish getting ready for work. I drank 2 big glasses of juice in hopes that the baby would wake up before work. I would feel better if she just would start moving. In the meantime I called to get in to my doctor ASAP.
The NST on Tuesday did not go well and neither did the one on Wednesday. After seeking opinions out from THREE different doctors, the doctors agreed that our baby has developed arrhythmia. The weird thing is that most arrhythmia's are discovered in the second trimester because the heart is still immature and by the third trimester or shortly after birth, the arrhythmia goes away. In my instance, the arrhythmia did not start until after 37 weeks. Needless to say this is not normal. About 1-2% of all pregnancies an arrhythmia is discovered, but the majority of these are arrhythmia's that developed in the second trimester and are gone before delivery. So I again find myself in that lonely category of not being in the majority. It is a terrifying place to be.
I have to see a cardiologist at Children's Memorial Hospital on Friday. I have no idea how I am going to make it until then. I love this baby more than anything. I am a complete mess. I know everything can be perfectly okay. But I can't help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something really is wrong. And if the baby's heart structure is okay, then I may have to go through testing for such things as lupus, thyroid disease, and infections. I am just scared. Please pray for us that everything is okay....
I am not going to go on and on about what happened because to be quite frank, I am tired. The short of it is that after having very little fetal movement for 3 days, I whipped out my home doppler Tuesday morning to give myself that extra reassurance until my weekly NST on Wednesday. Something didn't sound right. The baby's heart rate kept stopping. I changed the batteries in the doppler, shook it, checked my own heart rate, and checked the baby's heart rate again. Thump, thump, thump, thump (silence), thump, thump (silence), thump.....My heart began racing and I decided to just finish getting ready for work. I drank 2 big glasses of juice in hopes that the baby would wake up before work. I would feel better if she just would start moving. In the meantime I called to get in to my doctor ASAP.
The NST on Tuesday did not go well and neither did the one on Wednesday. After seeking opinions out from THREE different doctors, the doctors agreed that our baby has developed arrhythmia. The weird thing is that most arrhythmia's are discovered in the second trimester because the heart is still immature and by the third trimester or shortly after birth, the arrhythmia goes away. In my instance, the arrhythmia did not start until after 37 weeks. Needless to say this is not normal. About 1-2% of all pregnancies an arrhythmia is discovered, but the majority of these are arrhythmia's that developed in the second trimester and are gone before delivery. So I again find myself in that lonely category of not being in the majority. It is a terrifying place to be.
I have to see a cardiologist at Children's Memorial Hospital on Friday. I have no idea how I am going to make it until then. I love this baby more than anything. I am a complete mess. I know everything can be perfectly okay. But I can't help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something really is wrong. And if the baby's heart structure is okay, then I may have to go through testing for such things as lupus, thyroid disease, and infections. I am just scared. Please pray for us that everything is okay....
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