I wish I had a more clear picture of what is going on with our baby girl, but I still feel like I don't quite understand anything. Last night I got about three hours of sleep before I woke up to go to the restroom. I then refused to go back to sleep until I could feel the baby move. Two hours later and with dawn breaking, I finally felt a couple of kicks in a row and went back to sleep. Feeling movement has become an obsession now that I know there is something wrong with the baby. I felt as if I was in a coma getting ready for our cardiology appointment this morning. I don't even feel like I am alive. The last week has been a very trying time.
"I need to call my collegue and discuss a few things. I will be right back." This is the response we received from the pediatric cardiologist after an hour long echocardiogram. I just sat back on the examine table and cried. We were told at the beginning of the appointment that most likely the baby had premature atrial contractions (PAC's) which will most likely resolve on its own. It is easy to detect and the cardiologist would have been able to tell right away. So, I can't even explain the emotion I felt when she had to leave the room to get a second opinion. Wasn't this supposed to be a simple diagnosis?
The conclusion...they think the baby MAY have PAC's, but there were other things going on that were characteristic of a secondary heart block. So what is a heart block? Well, there can be varying degrees of heart blocks that are usually found in a fetus when a mother suffers from an autoimmune disease such as lupus or Sjorgen's disease. An individual with a third degree heart block will probably need a pacemaker for life and if found in a fetus, there is a 15% mortality rate. Third degree heart blocks are quite serious and need immediate attention. Sometimes second degree heart blocks can turn into a third degree heart block. Heart blocks are very RARE. However, since heart blocks in a fetus are usually caused by an issue with the mother, I wonder if it is safer to take the baby earlier so as not to make the condition worse? Since the cardiologist and my doctor are not 100% sure of the issue, I did not get a real answer on this. To me it seems ridiculous that I would wait until 40 weeks to deliver. However, the hospital I am delivering at will only deliver before 39 weeks if the PAC or heart block turns into tachyardia (very fast heart rhythm). The thought is that if it isn't a heart block, then the heart may still develop better in utero. The baby will have an EKG right after birth and will be monitored.
So, the plan....NST's tomorrow, Monday, Thursday, and the following Monday again before my scheduled c-section on Wednesday. Also, labs will be drawn on Monday to test for autoimmune disorders. I have already been tested for the lupus anticoagulant in my recurrent loss panel and to my surprise I actually tested out of range for one of the components. I never knew this until today while going through the labwork. Therefore, I will be tested again with a different test. The modified plan....if my NST sounds terrible on Monday, then they will try to bump my c-section to Thursday, July 5th. It will be performed by someone else in the practice since my OB is on vacation. I trust my OB fully, so having someone else do my c-section does scare me. But if we feel it needs to be done, then we will do it next week.
I don't know what to think about all of this and I apologize for this being so long. All I can do is hope and pray that this is just PAC's and it will go away shortly after birth. No big deal. All the worry was for nothing. God I pray that this is the case. Until then, the latest our baby girl will be here is in 12 days. I just have to trust that everything will be okay until then.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Worry
I have been super paranoid this entire pregnancy. Obviously, my road to parenthood has not been easy. I worry constantly because lets face it, we have had a lot of heartache. Throughout this pregnancy I have had this constant feeling that something will go wrong. So far all of the issues have been "me" related. I can handle issues with me such as fibroid degeneration and contractions. The baby has always been great. Absolutely perfect...until now.
I am not going to go on and on about what happened because to be quite frank, I am tired. The short of it is that after having very little fetal movement for 3 days, I whipped out my home doppler Tuesday morning to give myself that extra reassurance until my weekly NST on Wednesday. Something didn't sound right. The baby's heart rate kept stopping. I changed the batteries in the doppler, shook it, checked my own heart rate, and checked the baby's heart rate again. Thump, thump, thump, thump (silence), thump, thump (silence), thump.....My heart began racing and I decided to just finish getting ready for work. I drank 2 big glasses of juice in hopes that the baby would wake up before work. I would feel better if she just would start moving. In the meantime I called to get in to my doctor ASAP.
The NST on Tuesday did not go well and neither did the one on Wednesday. After seeking opinions out from THREE different doctors, the doctors agreed that our baby has developed arrhythmia. The weird thing is that most arrhythmia's are discovered in the second trimester because the heart is still immature and by the third trimester or shortly after birth, the arrhythmia goes away. In my instance, the arrhythmia did not start until after 37 weeks. Needless to say this is not normal. About 1-2% of all pregnancies an arrhythmia is discovered, but the majority of these are arrhythmia's that developed in the second trimester and are gone before delivery. So I again find myself in that lonely category of not being in the majority. It is a terrifying place to be.
I have to see a cardiologist at Children's Memorial Hospital on Friday. I have no idea how I am going to make it until then. I love this baby more than anything. I am a complete mess. I know everything can be perfectly okay. But I can't help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something really is wrong. And if the baby's heart structure is okay, then I may have to go through testing for such things as lupus, thyroid disease, and infections. I am just scared. Please pray for us that everything is okay....
I am not going to go on and on about what happened because to be quite frank, I am tired. The short of it is that after having very little fetal movement for 3 days, I whipped out my home doppler Tuesday morning to give myself that extra reassurance until my weekly NST on Wednesday. Something didn't sound right. The baby's heart rate kept stopping. I changed the batteries in the doppler, shook it, checked my own heart rate, and checked the baby's heart rate again. Thump, thump, thump, thump (silence), thump, thump (silence), thump.....My heart began racing and I decided to just finish getting ready for work. I drank 2 big glasses of juice in hopes that the baby would wake up before work. I would feel better if she just would start moving. In the meantime I called to get in to my doctor ASAP.
The NST on Tuesday did not go well and neither did the one on Wednesday. After seeking opinions out from THREE different doctors, the doctors agreed that our baby has developed arrhythmia. The weird thing is that most arrhythmia's are discovered in the second trimester because the heart is still immature and by the third trimester or shortly after birth, the arrhythmia goes away. In my instance, the arrhythmia did not start until after 37 weeks. Needless to say this is not normal. About 1-2% of all pregnancies an arrhythmia is discovered, but the majority of these are arrhythmia's that developed in the second trimester and are gone before delivery. So I again find myself in that lonely category of not being in the majority. It is a terrifying place to be.
I have to see a cardiologist at Children's Memorial Hospital on Friday. I have no idea how I am going to make it until then. I love this baby more than anything. I am a complete mess. I know everything can be perfectly okay. But I can't help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something really is wrong. And if the baby's heart structure is okay, then I may have to go through testing for such things as lupus, thyroid disease, and infections. I am just scared. Please pray for us that everything is okay....
Friday, June 22, 2012
Full Term - 37 Weeks
Well, I actually made it! I can't believe I am full term. At my weekly OB appointment on Wednesday I received my hospital check-in card that my office hands out in case I go into labor. It basically has all of my lab results such as iron count, blood type, strep B results, and any complications such as fibroids. It made everything so official for me :)
Currently my scheduled c-section is July 11th, but I am on the waiting list for the 9th. I originally thought I was scheduled for the 9th, but apparently not! Another surprise...I am still anemic. I have been taking iron supplements since March. I now have to take two iron supplements everyday. My doctor tried scaring me by telling me I am already at a higher chance of bleeding due to the fibroids and that he hopes my iron levels increase to avoid a blood transfusion. I would like to thank my doctor for scaring the crap out of me!!!
Our baby seems quite cozy in her home and I am not dilated at all. My contractions due to my high maintenance uterus have even died down. Therefore, unless my water breaks it really does not appear that I will start labor before my c-section. It is quite ironic how things work out. She wanted out desperately at 22/23 weeks and now she refuses to come out! She sure is stubborn. I am quite happy with her staying put until the 11th.
37 Weeks:
Weight Gain: 14 pounds
Symptoms: heartburn, nausea, difficulty in catching my breath. Otherwise, I feel pretty good! I might get bitch slapped for saying this... but I even slept through the night the past two nights! I have no back pain, hardly any contractions anymore, and pretty much don't even feel pregnant. I have no idea what is going on! Maybe this is the calm before the storm?
What I miss: a nice big fat deli sandwich from New York Deli. I have been craving one constantly.
Milestone: reaching full- term
Things to look forward to: having my daughter! I guess I still look forward to my weekly NST's for the next two weeks. She is still not much of a mover and gives me a good scare at least 2-3 times a week.
37 Weeks, 1 Day Bump Pic
Currently my scheduled c-section is July 11th, but I am on the waiting list for the 9th. I originally thought I was scheduled for the 9th, but apparently not! Another surprise...I am still anemic. I have been taking iron supplements since March. I now have to take two iron supplements everyday. My doctor tried scaring me by telling me I am already at a higher chance of bleeding due to the fibroids and that he hopes my iron levels increase to avoid a blood transfusion. I would like to thank my doctor for scaring the crap out of me!!!
Our baby seems quite cozy in her home and I am not dilated at all. My contractions due to my high maintenance uterus have even died down. Therefore, unless my water breaks it really does not appear that I will start labor before my c-section. It is quite ironic how things work out. She wanted out desperately at 22/23 weeks and now she refuses to come out! She sure is stubborn. I am quite happy with her staying put until the 11th.
37 Weeks:
Weight Gain: 14 pounds
Symptoms: heartburn, nausea, difficulty in catching my breath. Otherwise, I feel pretty good! I might get bitch slapped for saying this... but I even slept through the night the past two nights! I have no back pain, hardly any contractions anymore, and pretty much don't even feel pregnant. I have no idea what is going on! Maybe this is the calm before the storm?
What I miss: a nice big fat deli sandwich from New York Deli. I have been craving one constantly.
Milestone: reaching full- term
Things to look forward to: having my daughter! I guess I still look forward to my weekly NST's for the next two weeks. She is still not much of a mover and gives me a good scare at least 2-3 times a week.
37 Weeks, 1 Day Bump Pic
Thursday, May 31, 2012
C-Section It Is
I haven't been blogging much because I hate the new blogger set up. I have noticed that my blogs are quite boring lately, but I used to write them at work when I have time. Now, due to the new design of blogger, I can't get on blogger at work. At night I am so exhausted, I find myself just blabbing on and on when writing posts. So I am apologizing ahead of time.
Well....so much has happened since my last blogpost! First, I forgot to blog about my huge 32 week milestone (or perhaps I was just too lazy to)! I was scheduled for an ultrasound for a couple of reasons. First, my doctor wanted to make sure my placenta moved away from my cervix. Second, I was scheduled for a growth scan due to some concerns about not gaining weight appropriately eventhough I eat like a cow, and because my doctor was worried about the fibroids crowding the baby. Everything turned out great! The placenta has moved up and the baby was measuring at 4 pounds 5 ounces at 32 weeks (66th percentile).
However, there always seems to be some bad news. The baby is still breeched. Actually, the baby is in the exact position she was in at 20 weeks. She is in a frank breech position with her butt down low, feet by her ears, head jammed up inside my right ribs, and her arms criss crossed in front of her face shielding her from any glamour shots we wanted the doctor to take :) This normally wouldn't be a problem since there is plenty of time for the baby to flip. In my case, our baby is not flipping. She is literally wedged between a 10 cm fibroid and an 8 cm fibroid. She looks plenty cozy with nowhere to go. I asked the doctor to tell me the chance she would flip. In normal pregnancies it is 40%. For me I was told "it isn't happening". Another ultrasound at 34 weeks confirmed this. She was in the EXACT position again...butt, feet, head, hands, and all. I swear I have the most chill baby ever! Must be all that Bob Marley music I am playing her.
So, a c-section it is. It was supposed to be scheduled for Wednesday, July 4th. However, my doctor is out of town for the holiday so it is scheduled for Monday, July 9th. I was hoping that our doctor would bump the c-section up a week instead of back a week, but apparently the hospital I am delivering at has a policy in place preventing any c-sections from being scheduled prior to 39 weeks. I am not happy about a c-section and scared shitless about the probability that I will go into labor while my doctor is on vacation and a doctor I have never met will have to perform an emergency c-section. I honestly try not think about any of it. I have to be thankful for where I am at today.
34 Weeks
Weight Gain: 12 pounds
Symptoms: tired, rib pain, shortness of breath, emotional, hot all the time (I wonder if this is what menopause feels like)
What I miss: A beer
Milestones: every week is another milestone!
Things to look forward to: weekly NST's, another ultrasound at 36 weeks
34 Weeks Bump Pic
Well....so much has happened since my last blogpost! First, I forgot to blog about my huge 32 week milestone (or perhaps I was just too lazy to)! I was scheduled for an ultrasound for a couple of reasons. First, my doctor wanted to make sure my placenta moved away from my cervix. Second, I was scheduled for a growth scan due to some concerns about not gaining weight appropriately eventhough I eat like a cow, and because my doctor was worried about the fibroids crowding the baby. Everything turned out great! The placenta has moved up and the baby was measuring at 4 pounds 5 ounces at 32 weeks (66th percentile).
However, there always seems to be some bad news. The baby is still breeched. Actually, the baby is in the exact position she was in at 20 weeks. She is in a frank breech position with her butt down low, feet by her ears, head jammed up inside my right ribs, and her arms criss crossed in front of her face shielding her from any glamour shots we wanted the doctor to take :) This normally wouldn't be a problem since there is plenty of time for the baby to flip. In my case, our baby is not flipping. She is literally wedged between a 10 cm fibroid and an 8 cm fibroid. She looks plenty cozy with nowhere to go. I asked the doctor to tell me the chance she would flip. In normal pregnancies it is 40%. For me I was told "it isn't happening". Another ultrasound at 34 weeks confirmed this. She was in the EXACT position again...butt, feet, head, hands, and all. I swear I have the most chill baby ever! Must be all that Bob Marley music I am playing her.
So, a c-section it is. It was supposed to be scheduled for Wednesday, July 4th. However, my doctor is out of town for the holiday so it is scheduled for Monday, July 9th. I was hoping that our doctor would bump the c-section up a week instead of back a week, but apparently the hospital I am delivering at has a policy in place preventing any c-sections from being scheduled prior to 39 weeks. I am not happy about a c-section and scared shitless about the probability that I will go into labor while my doctor is on vacation and a doctor I have never met will have to perform an emergency c-section. I honestly try not think about any of it. I have to be thankful for where I am at today.
34 Weeks
Weight Gain: 12 pounds
Symptoms: tired, rib pain, shortness of breath, emotional, hot all the time (I wonder if this is what menopause feels like)
What I miss: A beer
Milestones: every week is another milestone!
Things to look forward to: weekly NST's, another ultrasound at 36 weeks
34 Weeks Bump Pic
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
What really makes one a mother?
Do you physically have to give birth in order to be called a mother?
Do you have to have been pregnant before to be a mother?
Do you have to have living children to be called a mother?
I guess depending on who you ask, the answers may vary.
I know that I consider myself a mother already. I also know that my parents made it a point to tell me how excited I must be that next year I will be able to celebrate Mother's Day. It is a shame that I had to remind them twice in the same phone call that I am already a mother. My three babies may not be here physically with me, but they are being taken care of, and they are hopefully looking down on me smiling as I am looking up at them. I am not upset with my parents. I realize that as much as they want to be there for me, the past two years have been difficult on them as well. It is easier to just be excited about what is occurring now, and push all of the frustration and sadness aside. Denial is just easier.
However, as I talk more and more about my emotional pain and struggles over the last almost two years, something amazing has started to take place. Understanding and true empathy. I had one of my closest friends come over last week. She has always been a very dear friend to me, but in the past year and half, infertility has driven a wedge between us which we are trying to overcome. She and her daughter stopped by for a play date with gift and card in hand. She got me a Mother's day card for those awaiting a baby, but it was what she said before I opened the card that choked me up. "Now I know you are already a mother...". I don't know why this was so important to me, perhaps my hormones are completely out of control. However, she was the first one from the non-infertility world to recognize that and it meant a lot.
Today is a hard day for a lot of my friends. Either they are remembering what could have been, or they are mourning what they don't have but long for. I think about and pray for each of them. I am somewhere in the middle, and it is still difficult. I ask that if you know someone suffering from infertility or loss, that you remember them today as well. You may not realize how much it truly means to them that you have recognized them on this day as well.
Do you physically have to give birth in order to be called a mother?
Do you have to have been pregnant before to be a mother?
Do you have to have living children to be called a mother?
I guess depending on who you ask, the answers may vary.
I know that I consider myself a mother already. I also know that my parents made it a point to tell me how excited I must be that next year I will be able to celebrate Mother's Day. It is a shame that I had to remind them twice in the same phone call that I am already a mother. My three babies may not be here physically with me, but they are being taken care of, and they are hopefully looking down on me smiling as I am looking up at them. I am not upset with my parents. I realize that as much as they want to be there for me, the past two years have been difficult on them as well. It is easier to just be excited about what is occurring now, and push all of the frustration and sadness aside. Denial is just easier.
However, as I talk more and more about my emotional pain and struggles over the last almost two years, something amazing has started to take place. Understanding and true empathy. I had one of my closest friends come over last week. She has always been a very dear friend to me, but in the past year and half, infertility has driven a wedge between us which we are trying to overcome. She and her daughter stopped by for a play date with gift and card in hand. She got me a Mother's day card for those awaiting a baby, but it was what she said before I opened the card that choked me up. "Now I know you are already a mother...". I don't know why this was so important to me, perhaps my hormones are completely out of control. However, she was the first one from the non-infertility world to recognize that and it meant a lot.
Today is a hard day for a lot of my friends. Either they are remembering what could have been, or they are mourning what they don't have but long for. I think about and pray for each of them. I am somewhere in the middle, and it is still difficult. I ask that if you know someone suffering from infertility or loss, that you remember them today as well. You may not realize how much it truly means to them that you have recognized them on this day as well.
Monday, May 7, 2012
30 Weeks
I can't believe we only have 10 weeks left! I have been in complete nesting mode. I have started on the nursery, but there is still a ton of work to do. Since I am still apprehensive about completing the nursery, I have decided to start redecorating our living/dining space instead. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyways, back to my post...
30 Weeks
Weight Gain: 12 pounds
Symptoms: round ligament pain, fatigue, heartburn, constant braxton hicks contractions
What I Miss: Sleep, sleep, and more sleep
Milestones: actually being able to feel parts of the baby whether it is the head or butt (can't tell which) pushing out on my stomach, buying some big ticket items such as infant car seat and stroller/bassinet, and passing both NST's
Things to look forward to: ultrasound in two weeks!
Two weeks ago, we ended up having to go see our doctor due to lack of movement. I didn't think it was a big deal, but the nurse freaked me out when I called and basically yelled at me. So in I went for a non-stress test and my first diet coke in 7 months ;) Everything is apparently fine. Our baby is just out of room because of these damn fibroids. I have also been lifted off any bedrest or modified bedrest. Actually, I was told to begin walking everyday to see if the baby's head will surpass my fibroid. Basically the large fibroid is blocking my birth canal. This just means more ultrasounds for me! As much as this fibroid has caused me problems such as pre-term labor, it appears that the fibroid is also preventing me from dilating. It is ironic how things work. I will leave you with a 30 week pic. (I apologize for the pink wife beater. I truly have no idea what I was thinking wearing this shirt in my first pictures, but I am just trying to keep it consistent. I really do dress better than this.)
30 Weeks
Weight Gain: 12 pounds
Symptoms: round ligament pain, fatigue, heartburn, constant braxton hicks contractions
What I Miss: Sleep, sleep, and more sleep
Milestones: actually being able to feel parts of the baby whether it is the head or butt (can't tell which) pushing out on my stomach, buying some big ticket items such as infant car seat and stroller/bassinet, and passing both NST's
Things to look forward to: ultrasound in two weeks!
Two weeks ago, we ended up having to go see our doctor due to lack of movement. I didn't think it was a big deal, but the nurse freaked me out when I called and basically yelled at me. So in I went for a non-stress test and my first diet coke in 7 months ;) Everything is apparently fine. Our baby is just out of room because of these damn fibroids. I have also been lifted off any bedrest or modified bedrest. Actually, I was told to begin walking everyday to see if the baby's head will surpass my fibroid. Basically the large fibroid is blocking my birth canal. This just means more ultrasounds for me! As much as this fibroid has caused me problems such as pre-term labor, it appears that the fibroid is also preventing me from dilating. It is ironic how things work. I will leave you with a 30 week pic. (I apologize for the pink wife beater. I truly have no idea what I was thinking wearing this shirt in my first pictures, but I am just trying to keep it consistent. I really do dress better than this.)
Friday, April 27, 2012
Don't Ignore...us
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I have decided to dedicate a post to NIAW's "Don't Ignore Infertility" campaign. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. Those 1 in 8 could be your sister, brother, daughter, son, best friend, the person standing next to you. There is a good chance you may not even know, because infertility is an invisible disease. This makes it easy for others to ignore or dismiss our pain, emotions, our struggles. However, we are here and we do matter.
Don't ignore that this is a disease. We who suffer from infertility are told to "just relax" and it will happen. Infertility is not cured by "just relaxing". We don't just get pregnant by trying the first month and delivering a baby 40 weeks later. It is not easy for us. About 85%-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures and there is no guarantee that they will work.
For those who suffer from infertility, don't ignore your own strength. We should recognize our own resilience. To the woman who has had countless fertility treatments with no positive outcome...to those who have had loss after loss with no baby to show for it...to the couples who wake up everyday and think that they can't take any more heartache...you are stronger than you may think.
Don't ignore that this is a disease. We who suffer from infertility are told to "just relax" and it will happen. Infertility is not cured by "just relaxing". We don't just get pregnant by trying the first month and delivering a baby 40 weeks later. It is not easy for us. About 85%-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures and there is no guarantee that they will work.
For those who suffer from infertility, don't ignore your own strength. We should recognize our own resilience. To the woman who has had countless fertility treatments with no positive outcome...to those who have had loss after loss with no baby to show for it...to the couples who wake up everyday and think that they can't take any more heartache...you are stronger than you may think.
And to those who may know me personally... please don't ignore me.
Don't assume that since I am now expecting a daughter that I am somehow "cured"...
Don't ignore what I went through...
I was in pain...
I had almost lost hope...
I was scared...
I struggled...
I cried...
I spent countless hours having blood drawn and ultrasounds...
I have had multiple surgeries...
I have had my hopes lifted and then in the same instant crushed...
I have watched others around me have their first child...their second...
As I watched time slip by one second at a time...
I have gained friends, but lost many more...
My marriage has been tested, but it is now more solid than ever...
I have scars on my heart from my previous three losses...
Scars that will always ache...
I wake up every morning and think about how I got where I am right now...
My journey will continue...
The experiences are forever etched into my soul...
Please don't ignore me...for I am 1 in 8.
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