Due Date

Two days ago (the 8th) was my first due date.  Tadpole...the only one we nicknamed.  It came and went without much emotion.  I think I tend to push away the thought before I allow myself to feel anything.  Ignoring it seems much easier.  Then you have a day like yesterday where I couldn't suppress the thought of it.  I had a lump in my throat the entire day.  Everywhere I turned there was something to remind me of what I lost.  I couldn't wait for the sun to set so I could crawl into bed and again pretend like the last year never happened.  But then I feel guilty....that I am not letting myself mourn the baby we lost...like I owe it to our lost baby to think about what happened.  I found a poem on a support website that reminded me of how I feel.

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

It is all so incredibly sad.  Perhaps I should stop trying to ignore how I feel because I don't think the sadness ever goes way.  I have to just remember how happy I was.  And although I was only pregnant for a little over two months...those were the two best months I ever had...I just wish I knew how this whole journey ends...