Fear, Shame, Sadness, and....Love

Since my beta is tomorrow morning, I broker down and tested.  Negative of course.  I think the hardest part for me is that I truly have been trying to stay optimistic and positive.  I convinced myself that just because I didn't have any symptoms, that didn't necessarily mean I wasn’t pregnant since every pregnancy is different.  It is such an effort to convince myself to hang in there and smile because everything will be okay when I have no guarantee that this story will have a happy ending.  Every time I get myself back up, infertility knocks me back down.  I feel like I am fighting a fight that I don’t have enough energy for. I am tired of the shame and sadness that I feel.  And now a new emotion has been introduced…fear.


FEAR
I fear that the end result for me is IVF.  I fear that IVF won’t work.  I fear that if I do get pregnant I will only miscarry.  I fear that we will spend our savings on something that is not guaranteed.  I fear the loss of happiness.  I fear the loss of hope.  I fear the loss of my friends.  I fear that the only thing I will end up feeling is failure.  I fear the loss of myself….


SHAME
I am shameful that I can’t seem to attack this head on….that I am not strong enough.  I feel shameful that I let myself feel defeat so quickly.  I feel shameful that my body doesn’t want to cooperate.  I feel shameful for the lies I have told my friends to not see them.  I feel shameful that I can’t even pick up the phone to call one of my best friends who lives two miles away and explain to her why I haven’t seen her baby, her baby that is SIX months old now!  I cry because I miss her and I am running out of excuses to not see her…


SADNESS
I cry because I miss my babies.  I cry on the birthday’s that I will never get to celebrate. I cry when I see women with their children.  I cry every time I see that one line on a pregnancy test…just one.  I cry when my husband holds me, because I can feel his pain too. I cry for the other women who can understand my pain for they have lived this nightmare too…


I don’t know how this all ends.  So until then I need to lift my head up….smile if I can….and think about what I do have in my life, the things that I love more than anything and never lose sight of that....and think about one happy moment that can get me through the day...just to make the day a little easier...and one emotion I refuse to let infertility suppress...my love for my family, friends, and life.