Reflections

Last night in the wake of our first ultrasound, I took some time to reflect on the past year and half.  I spent so much energy trying to move forward and trying to ignore the pain that sometimes I don't give myself the time to grieve.  As I thought about how I "feel", I realized that I have not been happy for so long and I really don't "feel" anything. I have been wanting, aching for a baby for so long that it has become second nature for me to be disappointed.  I have become numb.  As I reflected on what I now call my life...I wondered at what point in time did I just lose all sense of myself.  Was it right after our first miscarriage where there was just an empty sac on the ultrasound monitor...was it after the second, or third...or the failed IUIs?  I just wanted to know for myself at what moment in time did I just change into this numb, unhappy, sarcastic person?  God my poor husband...he is dealing with all of this sadness as well as a wife who doesn't feel anything!

Last night as my husband and I discussed our upcoming U/S, I couldn't help but marvel at his optimism.  He was so excited and couldn't stop talking about it.  I, on the other hand, was shaking to my core.  I was terrified.  However, I thought to myself...what would it hurt to imagine just for a second that everything was okay....that we would walk into our appointment and we would in fact see a live baby with a beating heart.  What if that was a possibility?  Last night I was awoken from a dream.  This wasn't one of my typical weird, crazy dreams that do not make any sense.  In this dream I was lying down for an ultrasound...the crazy part is that I was almost to term and there on the screen was our baby.  It was so incredibly real.

Fast forward to this morning...I was an emotional wreck.  I did not even want to go to our appointment.  I took my sweet time getting ready for the ultrasound.  When it was finally time...I shut my eyes and grabbed my husband's hand.  Nobody was saying anything after a couple of seconds (which seemed like an hour) so I opened my eyes and just saw a blank gray screen....of course...how typical....I was numb.  Then a black blob appeared, perfectly circular... and then a yolk sac...and inside that circle was the fluttering of a heart...a heart beating 106 bpm.

At that moment in time I began sobbing and I looked over at my husband and he had a few tears trickling down his cheeks.  Is this really what we were seeing?  The tech said everything was perfect and measuring exactly at 6 weeks.  I turned my head back to the monitor and as I stared at the fluttering of that little heart...I felt something....I believe the rest of us call it happiness :)