Today I tested. I first tested with a FRER super early this morning and no doubt within a second there was already a double line. I did not jump for joy. I did not shout out with happiness. I did not even smile. I instead walked back to bed, started crying, and tried to fall back asleep with my husband's arms around me. This is what all of our past experiences has done to us...left us jaded. There is no room for debate. I am in fact a habitual aborter. It is the basis and reason for first writing my blog. It is the reason why I was referred to one of the best RPL research doctors in the U.S. It is the reason why we decided to go the route of IVF. This is my fourth pregnancy and I want this with all of my being.
I tested again later with a digital, just to be sure. My beta should technically be Saturday, but since it falls on a weekend they did not schedule it until Monday morning which is 12DP5DT. In IVF terms that is actually a really long time....especially for a 5 day transfer. I am not waiting. I have already called my clinic to try and get in tomorrow. I have been having some pretty painful cramping so would rather be prepared either way.
I realize this blog is sensitive. I know what some of you reading this are probably feeling. I have been there. I hope I don't lose any followers, but I understand. I just hope that everyone continues to pray for me and my little bean.
Update:
The nurse called me back. She said I definitely need to get in Friday morning for my beta. She said the doctor has no doubt the trigger should have left my system a week ago so tomorrow would not be too early for a beta draw. With my past history and due to the cramping she was happy I called to get in earlier. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.
I'm so happy for you. I too have had 3 miscarriages so I understand why your scared. Just try to enjoy every second. Getting that second pink line is a victory in itself. H & H 9 months!
ReplyDeleteHoney! Yay! I'm SO SO SO excited for you. I understand how you are feeling. I am praying and praying that I get to experience pregnancy again, but I know I will be worried out of my mind after having 2 miscarriages. I can't wait for an update tomorrow. Try and embrace every second dear..you're pregnant! :)
ReplyDeleteI found your blog from a friend who is doing IVF too. CONGRATS on the +! And I'm so sorry about your losses.
ReplyDeleteI've also had 3 miscarriages (though I've had successful live births too). But I understand that after multiple losses, you start to draw a distinction between "being pregnant" and "EXPECTING a baby." We are almost 16 wks- just past the point of our last loss & I tell people that we're pregnant, but I don't say "we're expecting" because honestly I don't know sometimes what I'm expecting this time. But each week and milestone we pass helps me believe just a little more that we might get to keep this one.
I sure hope the same is true for you! Best wishes for a happy ending!
Congrats on your beta lady! I see that you have MTHFR, did you do the RPL panel to learn that? And will you be treated with blood thinners? Just asking, bc I have it too.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments!
ReplyDeleteKTB- I did find out I had MTHFR after doing the RPL panel. Currently I only take one baby aspirin a day. My RE will not put me on heparin or any injectible blood thinner unless I have another miscarriage under his watch and he deems that it may have been caused by a clot. The 3 miscarriages were while I was seeing my regular OB and I was not on baby aspirin for any of those three.
Here I am about a month later pregnant and feeling exactly as you were in this post. I keep asking myself what is going to make this one any different than the last 2 I lost? I really hate how my miscarriages have tainted this experience for me. I am jealous of all the women out there that just get a positive pregnancy test and say "omg I'm going to have a baby". I don't feel that way at all. I just am trying to not get attached to the idea so that it doesn't hurt as much if it is ripped away from me again. :( I do have some hope seeing that your pregnancy is going well. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Email me if you ever want to chat some more:
ReplyDeletelcisstilldreaming@gmail.com