Resentment

Well ladies, I don't usually do this but I may actually be asking for some advice.  I have kept this blog private from my friends and family on purpose.  Because of that, I have the advantage of talking about them without hurting their feelings.  Anyways, I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog or will even comment...but hey...maybe just writing down how upset I am will make me feel better.  I have read similar posts and heard similar stories during my Resolve meetings (especially about my "friend" issue) so I can't possibly be the only one that has ever experiences this. So, be prepared for this psychological purging of emotions I am about to share :)

Issue # 1
My RE put me on a daily baby aspirin regime ever since I tested positive for MTHFR (compound hetero- one bad copy of each gene).  I was to continue this regime to prevent blood clots along with taking perscription prenatals in order for my body to be able to absorb folic acid.  I was to stop the baby aspirin at 30 weeks if I became pregnant, and then begin back up 2 weeks after delivery.  There have not been alot of studies on MTHFR and there are many different theories regarding the treatment.  With that being said, my RE thought better to be safe than sorry.  Baby aspirin and extra folic acid will not hurt.  My OB on the otherhand wants me to stop taking the baby aspirin at 13 weeks.  He was also unfamiliar with MTHFR.  Since my 13 week doctor appointment was cancelled with him, I am waiting on a phone call still so I can discuss this further with him.

My mother is a medical technologist at a hospital and works directly with hematologists.  She has taken it upon herself to tell the hematologist about my pregnancy and that I am taking baby aspirin.  I received a phone call from my crazy mother telling me that she doesn't think I should be taking the baby aspirin because it will cause a brain hemorrhage in the baby thus killing it.  I am not kidding...this is the conversation I had with my mom.  This hematologist is from freaking Kansas, has never met me, does not know my history, and probably hasn't even heard of MTHFR.  I was so upset that I told my mom she had no right to inform me of this.  I trust my RE and will get another opinion from an OB if mine still argues with me regarding the baby aspirin.

I am so resentful that my mother would even get in my business when she has no idea what she is talking about.  I never asked her for her opinion.  I am so upset with her and can't even bring myself to talk to her at the moment.  For you IFers, are you taking baby aspirin for a blood clotting disorder or MTHFR?  If so, when did you stop taking it?


Issue # 2
I have a friend that lives in Chicago who I have been friends with for 12 years.  We met in college, became college roommates, then coworkers, and always very good friends.  Our lives always seem to bring us together.  She moved to Chicago a month after I did.  Anyways, long story short...we don't talk anymore.  I suffered my first loss halfway through her first pregnancy.  I suffered my second loss a couple of days before her small Chicago baby shower that me and another friend put on, and actually passed everything (meaning the remains of a sac/embryo) the night before.  I suffered my third loss a couple months after she gave birth to her daughter.  Needless to say, I could not bring myself to meet her baby until her baby was six months old.  She was the only friend I even told about my miscarriages because I felt like I needed to explain myself, not really because I even wanted to.  After all, I didn't tell anyone.

After I finally met her baby, I was fine.  I was so scared prior to meeting her child because I was not sure how I would handle it.  I didn't want to breakdown.  Once I realized that I could be "normal" around her baby and not an emotional mess, I thought perfect...things could be like they were...just +1.  That is not how they turned out.  I think that my friend felt frustrated because she knew my struggles to conceive, but I never wanted to talk to her about it.  I just wanted a friend that I could hang out with and be "normal" with and NOT talk about my struggles.  I mean my whole life revolved around my struggle to conceive.  I think that is why I enjoyed work so much because I could just feel "normal" and nobody knew what I was going through and it was if my struggles to conceive didn't exist.

I quickly realized that she had time for her other friends, but not me.  That was fine.  I honestly thought to myself "I deserve this" "why would she want to hang out with me, I am pathetic".  Those feelings of self-loathing soon turned into pure hurt and anger.  To top it off, a bunch of mutual friends that we met in college were coming up to visit my friend along with another girl who we know in Chicago as well.  I learned that everyone was going to get together and go to dinner, etc.  Nobody told me about it.  I was completely left out on purpose.  These are friends that I have known for years and haven't seen in quite a while.  I live TEN minutes away and nobody thought to invite me or tell me about it.  I felt as if I was being punished for going through a difficult time.  This all happened the month before my IVF.  It was one of the hardest months that I have gone through.

In that moment, I quickly realized that I thought of her as a much better friend than she thought of me.  I decided to tell her how I was feeling.  She explained to me she thought it would make me uncomfortable since her child would be there...you know the child I have already met.  Her excuse made NO sense to me and pissed me off more.  The fact is either 1) she just didn't want me there, or 2) she felt uncomfortable.  Either way it was a pretty shitty thing to do.  I felt she was extremely selfish.  I just needed a friend!  I have never even had a conversation with her about all the uncomfortable things I have gone through to even make her feel uncomfortable! The worse part is that she is not a mean person.  So why has she been such a shitty person to me?  Why did I deserve this?  I think back to when her step-dad passed before her wedding, I can't possible imagine treating her the way she has treated me.  I couldn't imagine treating anyone that way.  So, the hubs along with another dear friend think I should just let it go...time heals all wounds right?  I am much better without, right?  It is just hard for me to do that though, but any communication would just be awkward now.  I guess I am asking, how do I get over this?  I know I have read similar experiences, I just wish I could have remembered the outcome of what I read?

Anyways, that was a lot of blabbing, but I warned you ahead of time.  I can't help it...I am emotion today! I promise to follow up with a more light-hearted post later this week for my 14 week update!

Anyways, all this happened four months ago.  I have things to finally be happy about, but that doesn't mean that I still don't think about it.  I just want to get over it.  But how?  You would think after four months I would be less resentful, but I am not.