Last night, I reached the realization that I really don't know how much more pain I can take. I want to educate everyone out there on fibroid degeneration. It is HELL! Imagine someone running a knife through your spine and stabbing you continuously in the back...over and over and over again. And imagine this going on for days with no end in sight. A morphine drip would be heaven right now.
I am honestly not trying to whine. I imagine what other women have gone through and who aren't able to carry a child. However, I am human. There is only so much any person can take. To say that I am not severely depressed and under extreme distress is an understatement.
My parents arrived in town yesterday. It has been nice having someone wait on me hand and foot since my hubby has to work. My mom stayed up with me the entire night as I bawled hysterically. On the floor on all fours, arching my back, rocking back and forth to relieve the pain, my mom sat there all night massaging my back as I screamed in pain. Yes, this has been my life for the past 8 days, minus the personal massage therapist (my mom).
Another week down. 23 weeks....viability. Now I know many women may strive for that 23/24 milestone, but my milestone is 36 weeks. As I sat in the OB Triage at Northwestern Hospital Monday morning while the doctors tried to get my contractions under control, we had a pretty frank conversation with the doctor. If I gave birth at 23/24 weeks, there would still be little chance that our daughter would make it. If our daughter did make it, there was a 90% chance she would have some sort of disability. Very grim outcome. So, that leaves me with no other choice than to hang on for as long as possible...bedrest, pain and all. And if bitching is the only thing that makes the pain slightly more manageable, then by all means I am going to bitch.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Scared
It was just over two weeks ago that I blogged that I finally felt this was real. This was going to happen...I was going to have a baby. It took me 20 weeks to finally feel that way, and I feel that in a matter of hours that joy, relief really, has been taken from me.
This past Thursday at exactly 22 weeks, began like any other day. Work, gym during lunch, go back to work, and made plans to meet up with a friend after work. Looking back, there were clear warning signs that something was happening. However, being that I have never made it this far in a pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal. I chalked up the back pain to just being pregnant. I mean afterall, that is normal right? I chalked the abdominal pressure to the baby possibly shifting and kicking me "down there" causing lots of pressure. Again, no big deal, my baby is breached.
Like I said, I met up with a friend for dinner and to play with her adorable baby girl. My husband was on a flight to Ohio, his first overnight trip in months. As the evening went on I started to become increasingly uncomfortable. As my friend and I had dinner I started having some gas pains. Nothing worrisome, just annoying. As I walked to find a cab afterwards, I noticed that I was having unrelentless Braxton Hicks. It was pretty difficult to walk, but I managed to flag down a cab. When I got home I still was not too concerned and just began chugging water to hopefully relieve the Braxton Hicks.
Fast forward to 3 a.m., I was still suffering from unrelentless Braxton Hicks and the back pain began coming in waves, spasms. My back felt like it was on fire. As if things couldn't get worse, the gas pains became so bad that sometimes it was hard to catch my breath. Maybe the sleep deprivation played some role at this point, but I was 99% sure I had caught an intestinal flu and that it was just causing me to contract. I spent the rest of the night rocking back and forth, crying and cursing at my husband for traveling, praying for these gas pains and Braxton Hicks to ease up until I could get into the doctor the next morning.
I wobbled into work (with no intention of actually working) and called the doctor right away. Now I know some are probably wondering why I even went to work. Well, my doctors office is four blocks from my office so I was going to have to go downtown anyways. Also, I wanted to be around people. By this time I was pretty freaked out. Remember, my husband is out of town and I live in Chicago where the nearest family member is in Kansas City. I didn't go to the ER because lets face it...I have made three trips to the ER in the past two years due to miscarriages and endometriosis pain and all three times they did nothing. I didn't want to go to the ER if I only had the flu.
Anyways, I finally got into the doctor around noon (yes it took that long). I must have looked ridiculous as my doctor walked in. I was drenched in sweat, no makeup, puffy eyes, and gripping the side of the exam table for dear life. It took him less than a minute to give me the bad news that I in fact did not have the flu. I was having full blown contractions. He immediately checked my cervix to see if I was dilated. Thank god I have a super star cervix and it was solid.
I will cut right to the point, my fibroids are degenerating. This means that the fibroids are so big that they have cut off their own blood supply. It causes severe pain, contractions, and can lead to preterm labor if not managed appropriately. I had been warned of this and it was something my doctor was concerned about. I was put on medicine for the next 48 hours to stop my contractions and am on complete bed rest. Monday I have another cervical ultrasound and my doctor will decide what to do from there. If I have menstrual-like cramping at all during this weekend then I am to go in to L&D immediately because that pain most likely means your cervix is being affected. Hopefully this is avoided because the last thing I want to do is spend the next several months on bed rest in the hospital.
I am only a little over 22 weeks. I am pretty scared. My doctor even appeared a little nervous which is unlike him. I am going to take it day by day. As I type this blog, I am still having contractions, although the severity has decreased significantly. For some reason I just feel as if this will all turn out okay. I don't know how I know that, but it is just a gut feeling I have. Degeneration can last for a couple of weeks so I am just praying that this passes soon and that our little girl remains healthy. Who knows, maybe this medicine will work and by Monday I will be back to normal. As long as my cervix stays solid, then the doctor said the contractions shouldn't bother the baby other than making her a little crankier than normal. I guess this is a plus for me since I have been feeling her non-stop since Thursday...which I love by the way, even if it means she is cranky :)
This past Thursday at exactly 22 weeks, began like any other day. Work, gym during lunch, go back to work, and made plans to meet up with a friend after work. Looking back, there were clear warning signs that something was happening. However, being that I have never made it this far in a pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal. I chalked up the back pain to just being pregnant. I mean afterall, that is normal right? I chalked the abdominal pressure to the baby possibly shifting and kicking me "down there" causing lots of pressure. Again, no big deal, my baby is breached.
Like I said, I met up with a friend for dinner and to play with her adorable baby girl. My husband was on a flight to Ohio, his first overnight trip in months. As the evening went on I started to become increasingly uncomfortable. As my friend and I had dinner I started having some gas pains. Nothing worrisome, just annoying. As I walked to find a cab afterwards, I noticed that I was having unrelentless Braxton Hicks. It was pretty difficult to walk, but I managed to flag down a cab. When I got home I still was not too concerned and just began chugging water to hopefully relieve the Braxton Hicks.
Fast forward to 3 a.m., I was still suffering from unrelentless Braxton Hicks and the back pain began coming in waves, spasms. My back felt like it was on fire. As if things couldn't get worse, the gas pains became so bad that sometimes it was hard to catch my breath. Maybe the sleep deprivation played some role at this point, but I was 99% sure I had caught an intestinal flu and that it was just causing me to contract. I spent the rest of the night rocking back and forth, crying and cursing at my husband for traveling, praying for these gas pains and Braxton Hicks to ease up until I could get into the doctor the next morning.
I wobbled into work (with no intention of actually working) and called the doctor right away. Now I know some are probably wondering why I even went to work. Well, my doctors office is four blocks from my office so I was going to have to go downtown anyways. Also, I wanted to be around people. By this time I was pretty freaked out. Remember, my husband is out of town and I live in Chicago where the nearest family member is in Kansas City. I didn't go to the ER because lets face it...I have made three trips to the ER in the past two years due to miscarriages and endometriosis pain and all three times they did nothing. I didn't want to go to the ER if I only had the flu.
Anyways, I finally got into the doctor around noon (yes it took that long). I must have looked ridiculous as my doctor walked in. I was drenched in sweat, no makeup, puffy eyes, and gripping the side of the exam table for dear life. It took him less than a minute to give me the bad news that I in fact did not have the flu. I was having full blown contractions. He immediately checked my cervix to see if I was dilated. Thank god I have a super star cervix and it was solid.
I will cut right to the point, my fibroids are degenerating. This means that the fibroids are so big that they have cut off their own blood supply. It causes severe pain, contractions, and can lead to preterm labor if not managed appropriately. I had been warned of this and it was something my doctor was concerned about. I was put on medicine for the next 48 hours to stop my contractions and am on complete bed rest. Monday I have another cervical ultrasound and my doctor will decide what to do from there. If I have menstrual-like cramping at all during this weekend then I am to go in to L&D immediately because that pain most likely means your cervix is being affected. Hopefully this is avoided because the last thing I want to do is spend the next several months on bed rest in the hospital.
I am only a little over 22 weeks. I am pretty scared. My doctor even appeared a little nervous which is unlike him. I am going to take it day by day. As I type this blog, I am still having contractions, although the severity has decreased significantly. For some reason I just feel as if this will all turn out okay. I don't know how I know that, but it is just a gut feeling I have. Degeneration can last for a couple of weeks so I am just praying that this passes soon and that our little girl remains healthy. Who knows, maybe this medicine will work and by Monday I will be back to normal. As long as my cervix stays solid, then the doctor said the contractions shouldn't bother the baby other than making her a little crankier than normal. I guess this is a plus for me since I have been feeling her non-stop since Thursday...which I love by the way, even if it means she is cranky :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Reality
This past weekend was absolutely beautiful and sunny. As I was walking along the sidewalk in the sun I noticed a shadow. At first, I turned around to see who was following me. See, the shadow was someone who was clearly pregnant. It took me a second to realize that the shadow was me. For some reason this small instance of seeing my shadow was the moment in time that I finally realized that this may actually happen! The connection was finally there. The connection between my daughter and I that I had so longed for up until this point. Not that I didn't love my baby before, but I would not allow myself to be excited yet. I didn't quite believe....it is all feeling so real now.
I have to admit that I feel a bit guilty that I can continue to talk about my pregnancy especially after what my friend has endured which is probably why I haven't blogged in some time. I was quite affected by her loss. However, I decided long ago that I was going to do this. Good or bad I was going to document my infertility struggle which would hopefully end up being a pregnancy blog and a future baby blog. So hear goes:
20 Weeks
Weight Gain: 6 pounds.
Baby Bump: Yes! Finally! I do have a small bump, although still quite low.
Maternity clothes: I have bought one pair of maternity jeans and one pair of dress pants.
Symptoms: heartburn/acid reflex, cramping, and I am still getting bloody noses. I have also started to get hungry....as in I feel like I am starving all the time. Bring on the weight gain!
Milestones: We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday. Everything looked good as far as they could tell. The placenta is extremely close to my cervix so I will be getting rescanned in four weeks to make sure that the placenta has moved up. Otherwise, I could get placenta previa and end up on bed rest (yuck!). Also, I think the baby had a choroid plexus cyst which I think are fairly common, but I still get nervous. Again, my rescan in four weeks will hopefully show that this has gone away.
Things to look forward to: Finally looking at baby items. I am trying to get through the Baby Bargains book before doing so. I finally picked out custom bedding/fabric that I love and am pretty much going to plan the nursery around that. Still haven't bought anything baby related yet though.
I continue to feel blessed everyday. I had dinner with my Resolve 2 girls last night. It is always fun seeing pictures of their babies and listening to their advice. They all give me hope that I will have a beautiful, happy baby even after everything I have been through, because they have all been through the same. My husband and I are also going to dinner with our friends who lost their babies (see previous post). I can't wait to see her and give her a big hug!!! I think about her everyday and continue to pray that in time her heart is able to heal, although never forget....as I wish for all the other women out there dealing with infertility or loss.
I have to admit that I feel a bit guilty that I can continue to talk about my pregnancy especially after what my friend has endured which is probably why I haven't blogged in some time. I was quite affected by her loss. However, I decided long ago that I was going to do this. Good or bad I was going to document my infertility struggle which would hopefully end up being a pregnancy blog and a future baby blog. So hear goes:
20 Weeks
Weight Gain: 6 pounds.
Baby Bump: Yes! Finally! I do have a small bump, although still quite low.
Maternity clothes: I have bought one pair of maternity jeans and one pair of dress pants.
Symptoms: heartburn/acid reflex, cramping, and I am still getting bloody noses. I have also started to get hungry....as in I feel like I am starving all the time. Bring on the weight gain!
Milestones: We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday. Everything looked good as far as they could tell. The placenta is extremely close to my cervix so I will be getting rescanned in four weeks to make sure that the placenta has moved up. Otherwise, I could get placenta previa and end up on bed rest (yuck!). Also, I think the baby had a choroid plexus cyst which I think are fairly common, but I still get nervous. Again, my rescan in four weeks will hopefully show that this has gone away.
Things to look forward to: Finally looking at baby items. I am trying to get through the Baby Bargains book before doing so. I finally picked out custom bedding/fabric that I love and am pretty much going to plan the nursery around that. Still haven't bought anything baby related yet though.
I continue to feel blessed everyday. I had dinner with my Resolve 2 girls last night. It is always fun seeing pictures of their babies and listening to their advice. They all give me hope that I will have a beautiful, happy baby even after everything I have been through, because they have all been through the same. My husband and I are also going to dinner with our friends who lost their babies (see previous post). I can't wait to see her and give her a big hug!!! I think about her everyday and continue to pray that in time her heart is able to heal, although never forget....as I wish for all the other women out there dealing with infertility or loss.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Heartache
I know I have been asking my followers to pray and keep in their thoughts my friend who has been in the hospital due to complications in her pregnancy. Unfortunately, Sunday morning she lost her babies. I wasn't going to write about it, and I still am not because it is not my story to tell. However, I also can't ignore the significant impact the turn of events have had on me.
Miscarriage and loss brought us together and to our surprise we both became pregnant at the same time. She was my buddy...always the optimist calming my fears whenever I became scared shitless about this or that. She knew my secret before anyone else and I knew hers. To me, she always came across as this symbol of strength for which I often strived for.
After getting the news yesterday, everything I had set out to accomplish for the day seemed meaningless. I felt lost, alone. I felt angry and sad. A couple of times throughout the day I found myself wondering to our bedroom just so I could get away and have a good cry. I just needed some time to mourn for my friend and her precious babies.
There is nothing fair about it. Life is a pile of crap sometimes and there is no logical reason for things. It just doesn't make sense. The more I try to make sense of everything, the more frustrated I become. I can say that I refuse to lose my faith. My friend will one day take home a child, and she will be such an absolutely amazing mother, just as she has been such an amazing mother for all of the beautiful babies she has carried thus far.
Please just keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers. Let her find peace and resolve. Pray that she can mourn, but never give up hope.
Miscarriage and loss brought us together and to our surprise we both became pregnant at the same time. She was my buddy...always the optimist calming my fears whenever I became scared shitless about this or that. She knew my secret before anyone else and I knew hers. To me, she always came across as this symbol of strength for which I often strived for.
After getting the news yesterday, everything I had set out to accomplish for the day seemed meaningless. I felt lost, alone. I felt angry and sad. A couple of times throughout the day I found myself wondering to our bedroom just so I could get away and have a good cry. I just needed some time to mourn for my friend and her precious babies.
There is nothing fair about it. Life is a pile of crap sometimes and there is no logical reason for things. It just doesn't make sense. The more I try to make sense of everything, the more frustrated I become. I can say that I refuse to lose my faith. My friend will one day take home a child, and she will be such an absolutely amazing mother, just as she has been such an amazing mother for all of the beautiful babies she has carried thus far.
Please just keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers. Let her find peace and resolve. Pray that she can mourn, but never give up hope.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
17 Weeks
This week was a BIG week for us! On Sunday we found out the gender of our baby and it is a....GIRL!!! Hubs and I were ecstatic. Of course we would have been entirely happy with either a boy or a girl. The hubs has been so cute all week. He is a guys guy, and just to see his excitement about having a daughter almost makes me cry. It has been a good week :)
Sunday we also came out with our secret that we are expecting. The day was full of texts and phone calls to our closest friends and family. I could genuinely hear the excitement and relief that most of my friends expressed with our news. Many were just praying that the no news meant good news and that the IVF was successful. I still have a few friends to reach out to. Again, we are blessed to have such good people in our lives.
17 Weeks
Weight gain: 4-5 pounds
Baby bump: definitely rounded out finally
Maternity Clothes: No
Symptoms: headache, headache, headache....did I mention headache? And the dreaded growing cramps.
Milestone: finding out that we are having a daughter. The beginning of "flutters". I at first thought it was gas or muscle twitching a week ago. Now, there is no mistaking that I am feeling the beginning movements of our baby.
Things to look forward to: My bi-weekly ultrasound which will be next Wednesday. Also, our anatomy scan in three weeks. I pray that everything is perfect.
I continue to pray each and every day that I am able to keep this baby inside me. Hopefully I will have good news from my doctor next week that the baby still has plenty of room. I know that as the baby is growing, so are my five fibroids. There is only so much room. 7 more weeks until viability and then every week thereafter will be another milestone. I love our baby girl more than I ever thought possible. I can not and will not fail at bringing this beautiful girl into the world.
Sunday we also came out with our secret that we are expecting. The day was full of texts and phone calls to our closest friends and family. I could genuinely hear the excitement and relief that most of my friends expressed with our news. Many were just praying that the no news meant good news and that the IVF was successful. I still have a few friends to reach out to. Again, we are blessed to have such good people in our lives.
17 Weeks
Weight gain: 4-5 pounds
Baby bump: definitely rounded out finally
Maternity Clothes: No
Symptoms: headache, headache, headache....did I mention headache? And the dreaded growing cramps.
Milestone: finding out that we are having a daughter. The beginning of "flutters". I at first thought it was gas or muscle twitching a week ago. Now, there is no mistaking that I am feeling the beginning movements of our baby.
Things to look forward to: My bi-weekly ultrasound which will be next Wednesday. Also, our anatomy scan in three weeks. I pray that everything is perfect.
I continue to pray each and every day that I am able to keep this baby inside me. Hopefully I will have good news from my doctor next week that the baby still has plenty of room. I know that as the baby is growing, so are my five fibroids. There is only so much room. 7 more weeks until viability and then every week thereafter will be another milestone. I love our baby girl more than I ever thought possible. I can not and will not fail at bringing this beautiful girl into the world.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
16 Weeks
What a week! Before I post, please continue to pray for my friend. It sounds as if she is doing better, but she will be in the hospital for a while and still has many obstacles to overcome.
16 Weeks
Weight gain: Still at 4 pounds. I am okay with that.
Baby bump: No bump but I now have to safety pin my pants. Oh, one of my lovely fibroids has decided to surface causing a big lump on my left side. It's so hot.
Maternity clothes: Not yet.
Symptoms: Honestly I have felt really great this week. Again, the fibroid on my left side causes some pressure, but nothing too alarming. Hopefully it stays that way.
Milestone: I received my first baby gift :). My mom shipped me a hand made baby quilt (gender neutral) that is absolutely adorable! I will post a pic later tonight.
Things to look forward to: We have our gender scan this weekend. We have not decided when we will share the news on whether our baby "it" is a he or she. I guess we have to tell people that we are pregnant first! I plan on telling my close friends that we are expecting on Sunday and my coworkers on Monday. My coworkers are going to hate me due to me taking three months of maternity leave, especially during a quarter-end, and during the summer. Lucky me...not so lucky for my coworkers :). Nobody in my group has kids so this will be a first. Therefore, I am bringing in cupcakes to soften the blow.
16 Weeks
Weight gain: Still at 4 pounds. I am okay with that.
Baby bump: No bump but I now have to safety pin my pants. Oh, one of my lovely fibroids has decided to surface causing a big lump on my left side. It's so hot.
Maternity clothes: Not yet.
Symptoms: Honestly I have felt really great this week. Again, the fibroid on my left side causes some pressure, but nothing too alarming. Hopefully it stays that way.
Milestone: I received my first baby gift :). My mom shipped me a hand made baby quilt (gender neutral) that is absolutely adorable! I will post a pic later tonight.
Things to look forward to: We have our gender scan this weekend. We have not decided when we will share the news on whether our baby "it" is a he or she. I guess we have to tell people that we are pregnant first! I plan on telling my close friends that we are expecting on Sunday and my coworkers on Monday. My coworkers are going to hate me due to me taking three months of maternity leave, especially during a quarter-end, and during the summer. Lucky me...not so lucky for my coworkers :). Nobody in my group has kids so this will be a first. Therefore, I am bringing in cupcakes to soften the blow.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Where is my brain?
I am going to start this post out by saying that yesterday was a hard day. One of my good friends is in the hospital with complications in her pregnancy. She has just began her second trimester. She will be in the hospital for a while, and I hope everyone can pray for her and for her babies. It is a constant reminder to me that us infertiles or those that have suffered losses never feel safe.
So anyways, I was a little frazzled dealing with some urgent family matters with my husband's side of the family along with the news of my friend, so my head just really wasn't in the right place.
First, I entirely blew off a meeting at work. It was on my calender and the reminder even popped up. I even remember clicking the "dismiss" on the reminder, but for some reason I didn't pay attention. I have no idea how I missed this. I wasn't even busy. I was on the Internet reading about crib safety! I mean what excuse was I supposed to tell my boss?!
Second, it was a busy day and so I offered to help out another coworker. After telling my coworker I would take some of his accounts, I then walked back to my desk, began surfing the Internet and texting with my friend, and I completely forgot to do my coworkers work that I promised I would do. It was so embarrassing!
Lastly, I was walking to the subway after work and had to take a detour to find a public restroom. I have been chugging water lately and even though I went pee before I left, it took a whole four minutes later on my walk to the train before I had to go again! So I was in this new mall thingy called Block 37 in downtown Chicago wandering around like an idiot trying to find a bathroom. I finally found one (by the way...pregnant lady + oversized, bulky down puffer coat + trying to take a tinkle = entertainment) and then tried to figure out how the heck to get out of the building to the subway. Needless to say this was not my normal route. All was well and I get on the subway. After a couple of stops I noticed that the train was fairly empty. This was strange because usually it gets more and more packed. At the next stop I noticed that I was going the wrong flipping way! I was somewhere on the south side of Chicago when I needed to be going to the north side. This happened one other time, but I was new to the city and didn't know which direction was which. There is no excuse this time...no excuse.
So ladies...I have heard of the term "pregnancy brain". I am not sure if I should be diagnosed with such, but it does appear to fit the above situations. Too bad we can't receive disability for this? I mean, I hope I don't become a hazard to my job or self. Best case scenario, hopefully I don't get fired from my job or lost in the city. There is no telling where I may end up.
So anyways, I was a little frazzled dealing with some urgent family matters with my husband's side of the family along with the news of my friend, so my head just really wasn't in the right place.
First, I entirely blew off a meeting at work. It was on my calender and the reminder even popped up. I even remember clicking the "dismiss" on the reminder, but for some reason I didn't pay attention. I have no idea how I missed this. I wasn't even busy. I was on the Internet reading about crib safety! I mean what excuse was I supposed to tell my boss?!
Second, it was a busy day and so I offered to help out another coworker. After telling my coworker I would take some of his accounts, I then walked back to my desk, began surfing the Internet and texting with my friend, and I completely forgot to do my coworkers work that I promised I would do. It was so embarrassing!
Lastly, I was walking to the subway after work and had to take a detour to find a public restroom. I have been chugging water lately and even though I went pee before I left, it took a whole four minutes later on my walk to the train before I had to go again! So I was in this new mall thingy called Block 37 in downtown Chicago wandering around like an idiot trying to find a bathroom. I finally found one (by the way...pregnant lady + oversized, bulky down puffer coat + trying to take a tinkle = entertainment) and then tried to figure out how the heck to get out of the building to the subway. Needless to say this was not my normal route. All was well and I get on the subway. After a couple of stops I noticed that the train was fairly empty. This was strange because usually it gets more and more packed. At the next stop I noticed that I was going the wrong flipping way! I was somewhere on the south side of Chicago when I needed to be going to the north side. This happened one other time, but I was new to the city and didn't know which direction was which. There is no excuse this time...no excuse.
So ladies...I have heard of the term "pregnancy brain". I am not sure if I should be diagnosed with such, but it does appear to fit the above situations. Too bad we can't receive disability for this? I mean, I hope I don't become a hazard to my job or self. Best case scenario, hopefully I don't get fired from my job or lost in the city. There is no telling where I may end up.
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