Don't Ignore...us

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I have decided to dedicate a post to NIAW's "Don't Ignore Infertility" campaign.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.  Those 1 in 8 could be your sister, brother, daughter, son, best friend, the person standing next to you.  There is a good chance you may not even know, because infertility is an invisible disease.  This makes it easy for others to ignore or dismiss our pain, emotions, our struggles.  However, we are here and we do matter.

Don't ignore that this is a disease.  We who suffer from infertility are told to "just relax" and it will happen.  Infertility is not cured by "just relaxing".  We don't just get pregnant by trying the first month and delivering a baby 40 weeks later.  It is not easy for us.  About 85%-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures and there is no guarantee that they will work.

For those who suffer from infertility, don't ignore your own strength.  We should recognize our own resilience.  To the woman who has had countless fertility treatments with no positive outcome...to those who have had loss after loss with no baby to show for it...to the couples who wake up everyday and think that they can't take any more heartache...you are stronger than you may think.

And to those who may know me personally... please don't ignore me.

Don't assume that since I am now expecting a daughter that I am somehow "cured"...

Don't ignore what I went through...

I was in pain...

I had almost lost hope...

I was scared...

I struggled...

I cried...

I spent countless hours having blood drawn and ultrasounds...

I have had multiple surgeries...

I have had my hopes lifted and then in the same instant crushed...

I have watched others around me have their first child...their second...

As I watched time slip by one second at a time...

I have gained friends, but lost many more...

My marriage has been tested, but it is now more solid than ever...

I have scars on my heart from my previous three losses...

Scars that will always ache...

I wake up every morning and think about how I got where I am right now...

My journey will continue...

The experiences are forever etched into my soul...

Please don't ignore me...for I am 1 in 8.

Home Sweet Home

I had such a great trip back home!  I know I say it all the time, but I truly miss my family and friends.  Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago too, but Kansas is just home for me.

First I will get to the wedding which is what brought us back to Kansas in the first place.  Our good friends finally tied the knot. They already have a son together so this has been a long time coming.   It was a gorgeous wedding and it was so nice to see our friends.  I have to admit is was quite entertaining watching everyone get trashed.  I was pretty much chair bound the entire night, but trust me it is in everybody's best interest that I stay off the dance floor anyways.  I had every intention of taking lots of pictures, but once 8 p.m. rolled around I was ready for bed.  I did manage to make it until ten which I was definitely proud of.

The other half of our visit was traveling around visiting various family and friends.  Now, I must note that I did not have a baby shower due to the fact that I was unsure if I was going to be able to travel later on in pregnancy.  I did have a girlfriend in Chicago offer to throw me a shower, but considering most of my closest friends do not live here and the fact that the two that do are either awkward around me or still have yet to even congratulate/be happy for me, I decided it would be kind of ridiculous to have one here.  Therefore, I was fairly surprised to make out quite well in the gift department this weekend.  Honestly, I was not expecting anything.  I thought maybe I would get some gifts here and there from friends whom I have given baby gifts to, but that has not been the case.   Instead, I had people who hardly knew me giving us gifts.  I was shocked and beyond thankful.  The weekend was like a walking baby shower.  Perhaps everyone thinks I am a charity case, but I think that we just have good people in our lives :).  I have to admit it has been difficult shopping for anything since I am either on bed rest or modified bed rest.  So, I am forever grateful and truly blessed that people actually thought of us.  Hugs to you all!

Also, I am working on my blog post for Infertility Awareness Week.  Should have it posted later this week. 

Since I don't have any wedding pics, I thought I would give a sneak peak of one of the best presents of the weekend. (By the way I have been a die hard Jayhawks fan since I was in grade school, and yes, I did attend the University of Kansas...go hawks!)  Isn't this precious :)

3rd Trimester- 28 weeks!

Holy S&#T  Did I really make it this far already!?  And seriously has it already been three weeks since I blogged?  Ugh....

I have yet reached another milestone that I honestly never even let myself imagine.  I am so truly thankful for each and every day that I am pregnant.  It has been a scary journey thus far, but I can finally see the homestretch.  Every OB appointment my doctor smiles and says "You made it another week...now just get to 32 weeks.  Nothing less".  My doctor has it set in his mind that I will probably go into labor around 32-34 weeks.  I joke with him that the more he says that, the more likely I am to be one of those women that goes 2 weeks past their due date and has to end up being induced :)  I am probably the only woman that would honestly be happy with that for I want my baby girl to bake as long as she can.

28 Weeks

Weight Gain: 10 pounds

Symptoms: heartburn, sore ribs, tired, back/fibroid pain

What I Miss: not having back/fibroid pain

Milestones: passed gestational diabetes, making it to my third trimester, starting the nursery

Things to look forward to:  finishing the nursery, waking up every morning and feeling her kick

I did find out I am apparently anemic.  I have been taking a daily iron supplement which isn't too bad.  I also ended up on bed rest again due to a second round of fibroid pain.  Not nearly as bad as the first time, but I certainly do not wish to relive the experience for a third time.

My husband and I are heading to Kansas for our friends wedding this weekend.  I am super excited that I will actually get to socialize with people!  My OB warned me two weeks ago that he most likely would not let me go.  However, yesterday I had yet another wonderful cervical check and he seemed comfortable clearing me for the trip.  It is only an hour flight and we will be gone 3 days, not a huge deal.  I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends. 

First pic

Wednesday I rode the subway home with my pregnant neighbor.  As we walked backed to our condo, I couldn't help but notice that she was adorably cute with a big round belly.  I was jealous, so jealous.  She is three weeks behind me and she looked so cute.  There is nothing that I want more than to finally be able to walk around with a big baby bump to show the world that I am in fact pregnant.  After almost two shitty years of trying to have a baby, I want to be able to look the part.  Not only do I want to look the part, but I want to feel confident that there is in fact a baby in there and the baby is healthy and growing.

Up until now, there really hasn't been much for me to show.  Well, I think there is finally enough there for me to take a belly pic at exactly 25 weeks.  It is hard to believe that a viable little girl actually lives in my tummy right now, but rest assured she is in there and measuring in the 58th percentile!  I wanted at least one shot to document my journey (mainly for my own memory).  I plan on posting one more closer to my due date when I am hopefully really round and plump.

25 WEEKS

And just for fun...I came across the next picture on my phone which happens to be of my adorable little furbaby. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with my blog post, but I couldn't resist! He pretty much got shaved the other day because he was so matted.  He has been shivering ever since so we got him this cute sweater to wear.  We usually don't dress him in outfits, but seriously he is 5 pounds and so cold! He is cuddling up in my snoogle pregnancy pillow which he thinks is his :)



24 Weeks

First, I wanted to say that I am feeling much much better.  My last bout of fibroid degeneration pain was about four days ago.  When I am not in pain, I feel like a new woman :).  I am currently on "modified bedrest" which means I can go to work when I don't feel as if I am dying, and then I get to be a couch potato.  I went back to work Monday, which was rough, but since then I have been doing okay.
 
24 Weeks

Weight Gain: 7 pounds.  I fully expect this to pick up now that I can no longer work out and since I am not in as much pain!

Symptoms:  Hungry, backache, and fibroid pain.

What I Miss:  Sleep and working out

Milestones: Viability and seeing my tummy move from the kicks

Things to look forward to:  Decorating the nursery.  We have a painter coming and plan to have our furniture delivered in the next couple of weeks.  I have also ordered custom bedding for a super low price which is being delivered.


I am excited for this weekend. We have friends that live out in the burbs and they are coming into the city this Saturday to celebrate.  We are going to grill out, the men are going to have some drinks, and us ladies are going to find something fancy and non-alcoholic to sip on.  I just found out last week they are expecting as well.  I am super excited for them.  It is amazing to me when I look back at last summer and where we both are today.  They came up for my birthday last year and we attended the Southport Festival.  I specifically remember having a conversation about four bars in and at 2 a.m. about how we both were so frustrated that we weren't pregnant yet...if I remember right it may have turned into a bit of a pity party.  And now, here we BOTH are currently expecting.  Their doctor is pretty sure they are having a boy, although it is too early for them to tell for sure yet.  My friend said she is writing up a "marriage contract" for our future babies.  Kinda cute joke :).  Anyways, it will be nice for me to have some human interaction with good friends and hopefully some nice weather...oh, and NO contractions (crossing my fingers)!

Day 8 of Hell

Last night, I reached the realization that I really don't know how much more pain I can take.  I want to educate everyone out there on fibroid degeneration.  It is HELL!  Imagine someone running a knife through your spine and stabbing you continuously in the back...over and over and over again. And imagine this going on for days with no end in sight.  A morphine drip would  be heaven right now.

I am honestly not trying to whine.  I imagine what other women have gone through and who aren't able to carry a child.  However, I am human.  There is only so much any person can take.  To say that I am not severely depressed and under extreme distress is an understatement.

My parents arrived in town yesterday.  It has been nice having someone wait on me hand and foot since my hubby has to work.  My mom stayed up with me the entire night as I bawled hysterically.  On the floor on all fours, arching my back, rocking back and forth to relieve the pain, my mom sat there all night massaging my back as I screamed in pain.  Yes, this has been my life for the past 8 days, minus the personal massage therapist (my mom).

Another week down.  23 weeks....viability.  Now I know many women may strive for that 23/24 milestone, but my milestone is 36 weeks.  As I sat in the OB Triage at Northwestern Hospital Monday morning while the doctors tried to get my contractions under control, we had a pretty frank conversation with the doctor.  If I gave birth at 23/24 weeks, there would still be little chance that our daughter would make it.  If our daughter did make it, there was a 90% chance she would have some sort of disability.  Very grim outcome.  So, that leaves me with no other choice than to hang on for as long as possible...bedrest, pain and all.  And if bitching is the only thing that makes the pain slightly more manageable, then by all means I am going to bitch.

Scared

It was just over two weeks ago that I blogged that I finally felt this was real.  This was going to happen...I was going to have a baby.  It took me 20 weeks to finally feel that way, and I feel that in a matter of hours that joy, relief really, has been taken from me.

This past Thursday at exactly 22 weeks, began like any other day.  Work, gym during lunch, go back to work, and made plans to meet up with a friend after work.  Looking back, there were clear warning signs that something was happening.  However, being that I have never made it this far in a pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal.  I chalked up the back pain to just being pregnant.  I mean afterall, that is normal right?  I chalked the abdominal pressure to the baby possibly shifting and kicking me "down there" causing lots of pressure.  Again, no big deal, my baby is breached.

Like I said, I met up with a friend for dinner and to play with her adorable baby girl.  My husband was on a flight to Ohio, his first overnight trip in months.  As the evening went on I started  to become increasingly uncomfortable.  As my friend and I had dinner I started having some gas pains.  Nothing worrisome, just annoying.  As I walked to find a cab afterwards, I noticed that I was having unrelentless Braxton Hicks.  It was pretty difficult to walk, but I managed to flag down a cab.  When I got home I still was not too concerned and just began chugging water to hopefully relieve the Braxton Hicks.

Fast forward to 3 a.m., I was still suffering from unrelentless Braxton Hicks and the back pain began coming in waves, spasms.  My back felt like it was on fire.  As if things couldn't get worse, the gas pains became so bad that sometimes it was hard to catch my breath.  Maybe the sleep deprivation played some role at this point, but I was 99% sure I had caught an intestinal flu and that it was just causing me to contract.  I spent the rest of the night rocking back and forth, crying and cursing at my husband for traveling, praying for these gas pains and Braxton Hicks to ease up until I could get into the doctor the next morning.

I wobbled into work (with no intention of actually working) and called the doctor right away.  Now I know some are probably wondering why I even went to work.  Well, my doctors office is four blocks from my office so I was going to have to go downtown anyways.  Also, I wanted to be around people.  By this time I was pretty freaked out.  Remember, my husband is out of town and I live in Chicago where the nearest family member is in Kansas City. I didn't go to the ER because lets face it...I have made three trips to the ER in the past two years due to miscarriages and endometriosis pain and all three times they did nothing.  I didn't want to go to the ER if I only had the flu. 

Anyways, I finally got into the doctor around noon (yes it took that long).  I must have looked ridiculous as my doctor walked in.  I was drenched in sweat, no makeup, puffy eyes, and gripping the side of the exam table for dear life.  It took him less than a minute to give me the bad news that I in fact did not have the flu.  I was having full blown contractions.  He immediately checked my cervix to see if I was dilated.  Thank god I have a super star cervix and it was solid.

I will cut right to the point, my fibroids are degenerating. This means that the fibroids are so big that they have cut off their own blood supply.  It causes severe pain, contractions, and can lead to preterm labor if not managed appropriately.  I had been warned of this and it was something my doctor was concerned about.  I was put on medicine for the next 48 hours to stop my contractions and am on complete bed rest.  Monday I have another cervical ultrasound and my doctor will decide what to do from there. If I have menstrual-like cramping at all during this weekend then I am to go in to L&D immediately because that pain most likely means your cervix is being affected.  Hopefully this is avoided because the last thing I want to do is spend the next several months on bed rest in the hospital.

I am only a little over 22 weeks.  I am pretty scared.  My doctor even appeared a little nervous which is unlike him.  I am going to take it day by day.  As I type this blog, I am still having contractions, although the severity has decreased significantly.  For some reason I just feel as if this will all turn out okay.  I don't know how I know that, but it is just a gut feeling I have.  Degeneration can last for a couple of weeks so I am just praying that this passes soon and that our little girl remains healthy.  Who knows, maybe this medicine will work and by Monday I will be back to normal.  As long as my cervix stays solid, then the doctor said the contractions shouldn't bother the baby other than making her a little crankier than normal.  I guess this is a plus for me since I have been feeling her non-stop since Thursday...which I love by the way, even if it means she is cranky :)