Graduation Day

So...today I graduated from my RE officially.  I am not a touchy feely person by nature so when I received hug after hug it was a bit awkward, not to mention painful for my sore boobies.   BUT, it was very nice that everyone was so genuinely happy for me.  I have become very spoiled with my weekly ultrasounds and although my new OB does want to continue my weekly ultrasounds for the time being, I have a feeling it will not last long.

So what did I see today.  Today I saw my baby with a nice strong heart beat of 165 bpm.  Our baby now has a head, arms, legs, and a cute little butt.  The U/S tech also pointed out to me the baby's spine.  It was all fascinating.  After one of the pictures, I was able to see the arms move and the baby waved...the baby is already loving all of the attention!

As for me, the morning sickness (or all day sickness in my case) has hit.  Turkey season could not have come at a worse time.  The smell of heated up turkey or any meat for that matter is absolutely disgusting.  However, I am loving the way that I feel!  Call me insane, but it makes this all feel so real.  I don't care what I have to endure, just give me a healthy, happy baby.

I have several IF friends either getting ready to start treatment or currently going through treatment.  I am wishing you ladies the best of luck.  I have not forgotten about you all.  I know how you ladies feel and I will never forget what I have gone through so far to get here.  We are so deserving of our dream and I truly hope that each of you remains hopeful.  It will happen for you one way or another.  It is just the process to get there and the "not knowing" that is the worse.  I still feel like I do not know how this will end up for me.  I spend more time trying to ignore the fact that I am pregnant than actually thinking about it because I am so terrified still.  What we have to endure emotionally and physically is not fair, but we all are being driven by something far more powerful...and that is to have a baby.  Hugs!

Thankful

This Thanksgiving I have so many things to be thankful for.  This year started out rough, but then the pieces began to fall into place. 

First, my husband was offered a once in a lifetime job that he, nor we as a family, could not pass up.  It is his dream job, he would no longer travel and could be home more when we have kids, and it would give me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom if we ended up with twins after our IVF (which was always a concern of ours).  Second, our first IVF so far has been a success.  I can't believe that I am pregnant and have maintained the pregnancy thus far.  I am so incredibly lucky.  Third, I have absolutely no pregnancy symptoms....none.  I have actually been worried about this but after seeing the baby's beating heart weekly it definitely calms my fears.  Fourth,  I have two friends who I have met through the IF world and both are expecting.  Although early, it is amazing that all three of us have been waiting so long for our babies, and now we are all expecting...absolutely amazing.  Last but not least, I have an amazing family who hopefully we can share our wonderful news with over Christmas when I am 12 weeks...talk about perfect timing.

Today, we got another sneak peek at our little baby.  What a difference a week makes!  Our baby has grown so much and actually looks like a baby!  The heart rate increased to 138 bpm which will continue to increase in the upcoming weeks.  We also met with our RE today to go over the measurements and he said everything was perfect.  One more week and I will be transferred to my regular OB and I will be like a normal pregnant lady...imagine that!  Before we left, my RE gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and I thanked him profusely.

Now don't get me wrong.... I realize I am so extremely early at 7 weeks.  I remind myself everyday how lucky we are and I continue to pray that the baby stays healthy.  We take one week at a time now, and every week provides me with a little more confidence.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Reflections

Last night in the wake of our first ultrasound, I took some time to reflect on the past year and half.  I spent so much energy trying to move forward and trying to ignore the pain that sometimes I don't give myself the time to grieve.  As I thought about how I "feel", I realized that I have not been happy for so long and I really don't "feel" anything. I have been wanting, aching for a baby for so long that it has become second nature for me to be disappointed.  I have become numb.  As I reflected on what I now call my life...I wondered at what point in time did I just lose all sense of myself.  Was it right after our first miscarriage where there was just an empty sac on the ultrasound monitor...was it after the second, or third...or the failed IUIs?  I just wanted to know for myself at what moment in time did I just change into this numb, unhappy, sarcastic person?  God my poor husband...he is dealing with all of this sadness as well as a wife who doesn't feel anything!

Last night as my husband and I discussed our upcoming U/S, I couldn't help but marvel at his optimism.  He was so excited and couldn't stop talking about it.  I, on the other hand, was shaking to my core.  I was terrified.  However, I thought to myself...what would it hurt to imagine just for a second that everything was okay....that we would walk into our appointment and we would in fact see a live baby with a beating heart.  What if that was a possibility?  Last night I was awoken from a dream.  This wasn't one of my typical weird, crazy dreams that do not make any sense.  In this dream I was lying down for an ultrasound...the crazy part is that I was almost to term and there on the screen was our baby.  It was so incredibly real.

Fast forward to this morning...I was an emotional wreck.  I did not even want to go to our appointment.  I took my sweet time getting ready for the ultrasound.  When it was finally time...I shut my eyes and grabbed my husband's hand.  Nobody was saying anything after a couple of seconds (which seemed like an hour) so I opened my eyes and just saw a blank gray screen....of course...how typical....I was numb.  Then a black blob appeared, perfectly circular... and then a yolk sac...and inside that circle was the fluttering of a heart...a heart beating 106 bpm.

At that moment in time I began sobbing and I looked over at my husband and he had a few tears trickling down his cheeks.  Is this really what we were seeing?  The tech said everything was perfect and measuring exactly at 6 weeks.  I turned my head back to the monitor and as I stared at the fluttering of that little heart...I felt something....I believe the rest of us call it happiness :)

Nothing New

I really don't have much to report.  I have no more planned betas and my first ultrasound isn't until this Friday.  I have continued to cramp in both my abdomen and back, although the intensity has decreased somewhat.  I am still running to the bathroom checking for blood.  I don't know how I am going to be able to wait until Friday, but I will just have to suck it up.

I actually have a consult today with a wonderful OB downtown.  We are lucky because my husband works directly with OB/GYN surgeons selling the robot system, so we were able to get some very good recommendations.  I refuse to go back to my old OB.  Too many bad memories.  I need a fresh start.  My RE will not release me until after 8 weeks, so I thought I would start looking for an OB now.  The last thing I want is to have another miscarriage that requires a D&C and have to go back to my old OB again...the one where I spent SIX hours in the waiting room while I bled because they lost my test results.  Sorry...I know I sound like the ever pessimist.  I think I just like to be "prepared".  Until I see our baby with a good heart beat, I will continue to hold my breath.

I will be very busy the next couple of weeks which I am thankful for. I have three holiday parties coming up being thrown by friends which should be a good time and keep my mind off things.  I also have a work holiday party...bleh...don't know about that one.  We are also going out of town for a football game.  One day at a time...that is what I live by right now.

Betas, Cramping, and Anxiety

Dear Readers,

Sorry I have been absent for a few days.  I wanted to wait until I had a couple more beta draws to post an update.  Monday I had beta # 2 which was 473.  Today I had beta # 3 which was 1,079.  Am I surprised...most definitely.  I was about 95% sure that this pregnancy was nonviable.  The reason...cramping.

Now when I say that I have been cramping for the past five days, I don't mean the "mild" cramps that accompany early pregnancy.  I am also not believing the whole "your uterus is stretching" bullshit.  I have doubled over, broken out in cold sweats, and even had a baby tantrum or two over these cramps.  I have slept about 2 hours a night because these cramps come in a flurry during the night.  Now I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression here.... I am not complaining about being pregnant.  I am in fact so terrified that these cramps are going to thrust out the baby inside me that I literally have a panic attack every time I get them....and I get these cramps about every 30 minutes or so.  I run to the bathroom about 3-4 times an hour checking to make sure there is no blood.  It is terrifying.

So I have a question for you ladies out there....has anyone experienced this?  These cramps are more intense than menstrual cramps, but they only last around 5-10 minutes at the most.  I would love to hear if anyone has been through this and maintained a healthy pregnancy.  The nurse believes the pain may be caused by my endometriosis which typically flares up at the beginning of pregnancy right before it shuts down for the remaining eight months.  I am not so sure if I am buying this.

Thanks,
The paranoid, often crazy, barely pregnant nutcase

Update

My beta came back at 165 today and my progesterone is 73.8.  The nurse said that my beta was very high and they were looking for a number above 50.   Monday is another beta and we should know more where we stand.  My beta has been as high as 7,000 before so I have a long way to go before I cross that milestone.

Thank you all for your comments and well wishes.  It means the world to me.

Bittersweet

I contemplated publishing this post.  I know that by deciding to write a blog, especially about my struggles to conceive, I was definitely putting myself out there.  I chose to disclose things that most people remain private about.  However, I have found a certain peace by creating a blog...a certain level of understanding that I share with many of the women that read my blog or vise versa.  I thought I have come this far...shared my story...my heartaches, disappointments, fears....so I need to be honest and follow through. 

Today I tested.  I first tested with a FRER super early this morning and no doubt within a second there was already a double line.  I did not jump for joy. I did not shout out with happiness.  I did not even smile.  I instead walked back to bed, started crying, and tried to fall back asleep with my husband's arms around me.  This is what all of our past experiences has done to us...left us jaded.  There is no room for debate.  I am in fact a habitual aborter.  It is the basis and reason for first writing my blog.  It is the reason why I was referred to one of the best RPL research doctors in the U.S.  It is the reason why we decided to go the route of IVF.  This is my fourth pregnancy and I want this with all of my being.

I tested again later with a digital, just to be sure.  My beta should technically be Saturday, but since it falls on a weekend they did not schedule it until Monday morning which is 12DP5DT.  In IVF terms that is actually a really long time....especially for a 5 day transfer.  I am not waiting.  I have already called my clinic to try and get in tomorrow.  I have been having some pretty painful cramping so would rather be prepared either way.

I realize this blog is sensitive.  I know what some of you reading this are probably feeling.  I have been there.  I hope I don't lose any followers, but I understand.  I just hope that everyone continues to pray for me and my little bean.

Update:
The nurse called me back.  She said I definitely need to get in Friday morning for my beta.  She said the doctor has no doubt the trigger should have left my system a week ago so tomorrow would not be too early for a beta draw.  With my past history and due to the cramping she was happy I called to get in earlier.  Hopefully I can sleep tonight.