This past weekend was absolutely beautiful and sunny. As I was walking along the sidewalk in the sun I noticed a shadow. At first, I turned around to see who was following me. See, the shadow was someone who was clearly pregnant. It took me a second to realize that the shadow was me. For some reason this small instance of seeing my shadow was the moment in time that I finally realized that this may actually happen! The connection was finally there. The connection between my daughter and I that I had so longed for up until this point. Not that I didn't love my baby before, but I would not allow myself to be excited yet. I didn't quite believe....it is all feeling so real now.
I have to admit that I feel a bit guilty that I can continue to talk about my pregnancy especially after what my friend has endured which is probably why I haven't blogged in some time. I was quite affected by her loss. However, I decided long ago that I was going to do this. Good or bad I was going to document my infertility struggle which would hopefully end up being a pregnancy blog and a future baby blog. So hear goes:
20 Weeks
Weight Gain: 6 pounds.
Baby Bump: Yes! Finally! I do have a small bump, although still quite low.
Maternity clothes: I have bought one pair of maternity jeans and one pair of dress pants.
Symptoms: heartburn/acid reflex, cramping, and I am still getting bloody noses. I have also started to get hungry....as in I feel like I am starving all the time. Bring on the weight gain!
Milestones: We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday. Everything looked good as far as they could tell. The placenta is extremely close to my cervix so I will be getting rescanned in four weeks to make sure that the placenta has moved up. Otherwise, I could get placenta previa and end up on bed rest (yuck!). Also, I think the baby had a choroid plexus cyst which I think are fairly common, but I still get nervous. Again, my rescan in four weeks will hopefully show that this has gone away.
Things to look forward to: Finally looking at baby items. I am trying to get through the Baby Bargains book before doing so. I finally picked out custom bedding/fabric that I love and am pretty much going to plan the nursery around that. Still haven't bought anything baby related yet though.
I continue to feel blessed everyday. I had dinner with my Resolve 2 girls last night. It is always fun seeing pictures of their babies and listening to their advice. They all give me hope that I will have a beautiful, happy baby even after everything I have been through, because they have all been through the same. My husband and I are also going to dinner with our friends who lost their babies (see previous post). I can't wait to see her and give her a big hug!!! I think about her everyday and continue to pray that in time her heart is able to heal, although never forget....as I wish for all the other women out there dealing with infertility or loss.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Heartache
I know I have been asking my followers to pray and keep in their thoughts my friend who has been in the hospital due to complications in her pregnancy. Unfortunately, Sunday morning she lost her babies. I wasn't going to write about it, and I still am not because it is not my story to tell. However, I also can't ignore the significant impact the turn of events have had on me.
Miscarriage and loss brought us together and to our surprise we both became pregnant at the same time. She was my buddy...always the optimist calming my fears whenever I became scared shitless about this or that. She knew my secret before anyone else and I knew hers. To me, she always came across as this symbol of strength for which I often strived for.
After getting the news yesterday, everything I had set out to accomplish for the day seemed meaningless. I felt lost, alone. I felt angry and sad. A couple of times throughout the day I found myself wondering to our bedroom just so I could get away and have a good cry. I just needed some time to mourn for my friend and her precious babies.
There is nothing fair about it. Life is a pile of crap sometimes and there is no logical reason for things. It just doesn't make sense. The more I try to make sense of everything, the more frustrated I become. I can say that I refuse to lose my faith. My friend will one day take home a child, and she will be such an absolutely amazing mother, just as she has been such an amazing mother for all of the beautiful babies she has carried thus far.
Please just keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers. Let her find peace and resolve. Pray that she can mourn, but never give up hope.
Miscarriage and loss brought us together and to our surprise we both became pregnant at the same time. She was my buddy...always the optimist calming my fears whenever I became scared shitless about this or that. She knew my secret before anyone else and I knew hers. To me, she always came across as this symbol of strength for which I often strived for.
After getting the news yesterday, everything I had set out to accomplish for the day seemed meaningless. I felt lost, alone. I felt angry and sad. A couple of times throughout the day I found myself wondering to our bedroom just so I could get away and have a good cry. I just needed some time to mourn for my friend and her precious babies.
There is nothing fair about it. Life is a pile of crap sometimes and there is no logical reason for things. It just doesn't make sense. The more I try to make sense of everything, the more frustrated I become. I can say that I refuse to lose my faith. My friend will one day take home a child, and she will be such an absolutely amazing mother, just as she has been such an amazing mother for all of the beautiful babies she has carried thus far.
Please just keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers. Let her find peace and resolve. Pray that she can mourn, but never give up hope.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
17 Weeks
This week was a BIG week for us! On Sunday we found out the gender of our baby and it is a....GIRL!!! Hubs and I were ecstatic. Of course we would have been entirely happy with either a boy or a girl. The hubs has been so cute all week. He is a guys guy, and just to see his excitement about having a daughter almost makes me cry. It has been a good week :)
Sunday we also came out with our secret that we are expecting. The day was full of texts and phone calls to our closest friends and family. I could genuinely hear the excitement and relief that most of my friends expressed with our news. Many were just praying that the no news meant good news and that the IVF was successful. I still have a few friends to reach out to. Again, we are blessed to have such good people in our lives.
17 Weeks
Weight gain: 4-5 pounds
Baby bump: definitely rounded out finally
Maternity Clothes: No
Symptoms: headache, headache, headache....did I mention headache? And the dreaded growing cramps.
Milestone: finding out that we are having a daughter. The beginning of "flutters". I at first thought it was gas or muscle twitching a week ago. Now, there is no mistaking that I am feeling the beginning movements of our baby.
Things to look forward to: My bi-weekly ultrasound which will be next Wednesday. Also, our anatomy scan in three weeks. I pray that everything is perfect.
I continue to pray each and every day that I am able to keep this baby inside me. Hopefully I will have good news from my doctor next week that the baby still has plenty of room. I know that as the baby is growing, so are my five fibroids. There is only so much room. 7 more weeks until viability and then every week thereafter will be another milestone. I love our baby girl more than I ever thought possible. I can not and will not fail at bringing this beautiful girl into the world.
Sunday we also came out with our secret that we are expecting. The day was full of texts and phone calls to our closest friends and family. I could genuinely hear the excitement and relief that most of my friends expressed with our news. Many were just praying that the no news meant good news and that the IVF was successful. I still have a few friends to reach out to. Again, we are blessed to have such good people in our lives.
17 Weeks
Weight gain: 4-5 pounds
Baby bump: definitely rounded out finally
Maternity Clothes: No
Symptoms: headache, headache, headache....did I mention headache? And the dreaded growing cramps.
Milestone: finding out that we are having a daughter. The beginning of "flutters". I at first thought it was gas or muscle twitching a week ago. Now, there is no mistaking that I am feeling the beginning movements of our baby.
Things to look forward to: My bi-weekly ultrasound which will be next Wednesday. Also, our anatomy scan in three weeks. I pray that everything is perfect.
I continue to pray each and every day that I am able to keep this baby inside me. Hopefully I will have good news from my doctor next week that the baby still has plenty of room. I know that as the baby is growing, so are my five fibroids. There is only so much room. 7 more weeks until viability and then every week thereafter will be another milestone. I love our baby girl more than I ever thought possible. I can not and will not fail at bringing this beautiful girl into the world.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
16 Weeks
What a week! Before I post, please continue to pray for my friend. It sounds as if she is doing better, but she will be in the hospital for a while and still has many obstacles to overcome.
16 Weeks
Weight gain: Still at 4 pounds. I am okay with that.
Baby bump: No bump but I now have to safety pin my pants. Oh, one of my lovely fibroids has decided to surface causing a big lump on my left side. It's so hot.
Maternity clothes: Not yet.
Symptoms: Honestly I have felt really great this week. Again, the fibroid on my left side causes some pressure, but nothing too alarming. Hopefully it stays that way.
Milestone: I received my first baby gift :). My mom shipped me a hand made baby quilt (gender neutral) that is absolutely adorable! I will post a pic later tonight.
Things to look forward to: We have our gender scan this weekend. We have not decided when we will share the news on whether our baby "it" is a he or she. I guess we have to tell people that we are pregnant first! I plan on telling my close friends that we are expecting on Sunday and my coworkers on Monday. My coworkers are going to hate me due to me taking three months of maternity leave, especially during a quarter-end, and during the summer. Lucky me...not so lucky for my coworkers :). Nobody in my group has kids so this will be a first. Therefore, I am bringing in cupcakes to soften the blow.
16 Weeks
Weight gain: Still at 4 pounds. I am okay with that.
Baby bump: No bump but I now have to safety pin my pants. Oh, one of my lovely fibroids has decided to surface causing a big lump on my left side. It's so hot.
Maternity clothes: Not yet.
Symptoms: Honestly I have felt really great this week. Again, the fibroid on my left side causes some pressure, but nothing too alarming. Hopefully it stays that way.
Milestone: I received my first baby gift :). My mom shipped me a hand made baby quilt (gender neutral) that is absolutely adorable! I will post a pic later tonight.
Things to look forward to: We have our gender scan this weekend. We have not decided when we will share the news on whether our baby "it" is a he or she. I guess we have to tell people that we are pregnant first! I plan on telling my close friends that we are expecting on Sunday and my coworkers on Monday. My coworkers are going to hate me due to me taking three months of maternity leave, especially during a quarter-end, and during the summer. Lucky me...not so lucky for my coworkers :). Nobody in my group has kids so this will be a first. Therefore, I am bringing in cupcakes to soften the blow.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Where is my brain?
I am going to start this post out by saying that yesterday was a hard day. One of my good friends is in the hospital with complications in her pregnancy. She has just began her second trimester. She will be in the hospital for a while, and I hope everyone can pray for her and for her babies. It is a constant reminder to me that us infertiles or those that have suffered losses never feel safe.
So anyways, I was a little frazzled dealing with some urgent family matters with my husband's side of the family along with the news of my friend, so my head just really wasn't in the right place.
First, I entirely blew off a meeting at work. It was on my calender and the reminder even popped up. I even remember clicking the "dismiss" on the reminder, but for some reason I didn't pay attention. I have no idea how I missed this. I wasn't even busy. I was on the Internet reading about crib safety! I mean what excuse was I supposed to tell my boss?!
Second, it was a busy day and so I offered to help out another coworker. After telling my coworker I would take some of his accounts, I then walked back to my desk, began surfing the Internet and texting with my friend, and I completely forgot to do my coworkers work that I promised I would do. It was so embarrassing!
Lastly, I was walking to the subway after work and had to take a detour to find a public restroom. I have been chugging water lately and even though I went pee before I left, it took a whole four minutes later on my walk to the train before I had to go again! So I was in this new mall thingy called Block 37 in downtown Chicago wandering around like an idiot trying to find a bathroom. I finally found one (by the way...pregnant lady + oversized, bulky down puffer coat + trying to take a tinkle = entertainment) and then tried to figure out how the heck to get out of the building to the subway. Needless to say this was not my normal route. All was well and I get on the subway. After a couple of stops I noticed that the train was fairly empty. This was strange because usually it gets more and more packed. At the next stop I noticed that I was going the wrong flipping way! I was somewhere on the south side of Chicago when I needed to be going to the north side. This happened one other time, but I was new to the city and didn't know which direction was which. There is no excuse this time...no excuse.
So ladies...I have heard of the term "pregnancy brain". I am not sure if I should be diagnosed with such, but it does appear to fit the above situations. Too bad we can't receive disability for this? I mean, I hope I don't become a hazard to my job or self. Best case scenario, hopefully I don't get fired from my job or lost in the city. There is no telling where I may end up.
So anyways, I was a little frazzled dealing with some urgent family matters with my husband's side of the family along with the news of my friend, so my head just really wasn't in the right place.
First, I entirely blew off a meeting at work. It was on my calender and the reminder even popped up. I even remember clicking the "dismiss" on the reminder, but for some reason I didn't pay attention. I have no idea how I missed this. I wasn't even busy. I was on the Internet reading about crib safety! I mean what excuse was I supposed to tell my boss?!
Second, it was a busy day and so I offered to help out another coworker. After telling my coworker I would take some of his accounts, I then walked back to my desk, began surfing the Internet and texting with my friend, and I completely forgot to do my coworkers work that I promised I would do. It was so embarrassing!
Lastly, I was walking to the subway after work and had to take a detour to find a public restroom. I have been chugging water lately and even though I went pee before I left, it took a whole four minutes later on my walk to the train before I had to go again! So I was in this new mall thingy called Block 37 in downtown Chicago wandering around like an idiot trying to find a bathroom. I finally found one (by the way...pregnant lady + oversized, bulky down puffer coat + trying to take a tinkle = entertainment) and then tried to figure out how the heck to get out of the building to the subway. Needless to say this was not my normal route. All was well and I get on the subway. After a couple of stops I noticed that the train was fairly empty. This was strange because usually it gets more and more packed. At the next stop I noticed that I was going the wrong flipping way! I was somewhere on the south side of Chicago when I needed to be going to the north side. This happened one other time, but I was new to the city and didn't know which direction was which. There is no excuse this time...no excuse.
So ladies...I have heard of the term "pregnancy brain". I am not sure if I should be diagnosed with such, but it does appear to fit the above situations. Too bad we can't receive disability for this? I mean, I hope I don't become a hazard to my job or self. Best case scenario, hopefully I don't get fired from my job or lost in the city. There is no telling where I may end up.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
15 Weeks
I had a very lovely dinner with the Resolve ladies last night. It is so nice to see familiar faces and to get hugs from the ladies and encouraging words from those whom I don't feel like I need to explain anything too. I also received some wonderful tips from breast feeding to what I should be eating right now. I am so lucky that a group has been created in my area for those suffering from infertility that are now expecting. It is a tough place to be because you don't really feel as if you fit anywhere. Most pregnant women don't understand, but it is also not right to ask for support from those that may still be in that dark, unknown hell while TTC. Anyways, back to my post....
15 Weeks:
Weight Gain: 4 pounds (probably from those damn chocolate cupcakes I intended to bring into work but never did)
Baby bump: Not sure if what I have is qualified as a small bump. I just look like I have eaten too many cupcakes...which I have.
Maternity clothes: Not yet
Symptoms: Nosebleeds, stuffy nose, and constant feeling of having to pee
Milestones: My first adventure into a baby store. I have also been given clearance to work out again. No running (sad), but I am allowed to do a low impact workout and gradually increase my activity over time.
Things to look forward too: Researching ideas for the nursery. Gender scan countdown has begun...10 days left.
Dr.'s Followup: I also had an OB appointment Wednesday. I was checked for a bladder infection due to the constant need to pee. However, upon further discovery, it appears as if my uterus has not flipped due to my fibroid. Usually if you have a retroverted uterus it will flip before week 14. However, my fibroid is so large and heavy that it is causing my uterus to not cooperate. As long as I can continue to go to the bathroom (both ways if you know what I mean), then it should not cause a problem. If it does cause an issue, my OB will have to manually flip me, and I may need a catheter for some time. By all means this does not sound like a pleasant experience! I have a follow up in 3 weeks for a cervical check as well since my uterus is measuring 22 weeks. This means that when my uterus does flip, I will basically look like I am carrying twins. Thank you Mr. Fibroid.
15 Weeks:
Weight Gain: 4 pounds (probably from those damn chocolate cupcakes I intended to bring into work but never did)
Baby bump: Not sure if what I have is qualified as a small bump. I just look like I have eaten too many cupcakes...which I have.
Maternity clothes: Not yet
Symptoms: Nosebleeds, stuffy nose, and constant feeling of having to pee
Milestones: My first adventure into a baby store. I have also been given clearance to work out again. No running (sad), but I am allowed to do a low impact workout and gradually increase my activity over time.
Things to look forward too: Researching ideas for the nursery. Gender scan countdown has begun...10 days left.
Dr.'s Followup: I also had an OB appointment Wednesday. I was checked for a bladder infection due to the constant need to pee. However, upon further discovery, it appears as if my uterus has not flipped due to my fibroid. Usually if you have a retroverted uterus it will flip before week 14. However, my fibroid is so large and heavy that it is causing my uterus to not cooperate. As long as I can continue to go to the bathroom (both ways if you know what I mean), then it should not cause a problem. If it does cause an issue, my OB will have to manually flip me, and I may need a catheter for some time. By all means this does not sound like a pleasant experience! I have a follow up in 3 weeks for a cervical check as well since my uterus is measuring 22 weeks. This means that when my uterus does flip, I will basically look like I am carrying twins. Thank you Mr. Fibroid.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
What are YOU doing here?!
I have been so busy with work so haven't been able to post! Thank you for the comments and emails from my last post. To follow up 1) my mom called me this weekend and basically kissed my behind. I think she feels bad about what she said, so I am just going to let it go. She is my mom and I love her. 2) Regarding my friend issue, one of you emailed me and pretty much were right on point. The caddy and cliquish behavior became boring in high school. Why would I want to be part of that? Done...over. Wish I had closure, but you don't always get what you want. Tough shit.
So, I have quite an interesting story from this weekend. First, I have done absolutely no shopping for the baby. A matter of fact, I had not even looked online for ideas or anything. Since I had such an abundance of energy this weekend (thank you 2nd trimester!) I decided to do some research on nursery items, primarily furniture. The hubs and I decided to go to the closest "Pea and the Pod" to browse. I was terrified of this outing because I did not want to bump into anyone.
We did not even make it through the front door before hearing "What are YOU guys doing here?!". Seriously, what are the chances I would actually see somebody I know...and out of all people it was our downstairs neighbors. Lord! After looking like a deer in headlights and much stammering, I managed to blab that I am 14 weeks, that this was our first shopping excursion, and I was terrified of seeing someone because we haven't told anyone. This seemed to confuse our neighbors seeing as she is 11 weeks and they have told almost everyone and they have already done a ton of shopping. So naturally I felt I had to explain myself and told her my quick back story. They seemed very surprised seeing that I practically see/talk to these people everyday and they had no idea the long, complicated, and often depressing journey we endured. It actually felt refreshing to get it off my chest.
So, to sum it up our neighbors who we are friends with are expecting their first baby as well. She is three weeks behind me. It will be nice to experience this journey together. We are planning on getting together for dinner to celebrate. It is also nice to know that hubs and I will not be the only ones pissing off all the rest of our neighbors with a crying baby (we live in a small condo building consisting of six condos, five couples, a single drunk dude, two dogs, and zero children...as of now). Our neighbors also made a good point...a nanny share. I have never thought of this before because I always wondered how you find someone to share a nanny with. Well, this may be our solution.
I will post a weekly update later this week after my doctor's appointment. I hope everyone is doing well!
So, I have quite an interesting story from this weekend. First, I have done absolutely no shopping for the baby. A matter of fact, I had not even looked online for ideas or anything. Since I had such an abundance of energy this weekend (thank you 2nd trimester!) I decided to do some research on nursery items, primarily furniture. The hubs and I decided to go to the closest "Pea and the Pod" to browse. I was terrified of this outing because I did not want to bump into anyone.
We did not even make it through the front door before hearing "What are YOU guys doing here?!". Seriously, what are the chances I would actually see somebody I know...and out of all people it was our downstairs neighbors. Lord! After looking like a deer in headlights and much stammering, I managed to blab that I am 14 weeks, that this was our first shopping excursion, and I was terrified of seeing someone because we haven't told anyone. This seemed to confuse our neighbors seeing as she is 11 weeks and they have told almost everyone and they have already done a ton of shopping. So naturally I felt I had to explain myself and told her my quick back story. They seemed very surprised seeing that I practically see/talk to these people everyday and they had no idea the long, complicated, and often depressing journey we endured. It actually felt refreshing to get it off my chest.
So, to sum it up our neighbors who we are friends with are expecting their first baby as well. She is three weeks behind me. It will be nice to experience this journey together. We are planning on getting together for dinner to celebrate. It is also nice to know that hubs and I will not be the only ones pissing off all the rest of our neighbors with a crying baby (we live in a small condo building consisting of six condos, five couples, a single drunk dude, two dogs, and zero children...as of now). Our neighbors also made a good point...a nanny share. I have never thought of this before because I always wondered how you find someone to share a nanny with. Well, this may be our solution.
I will post a weekly update later this week after my doctor's appointment. I hope everyone is doing well!
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