The Mixed Emotions of Transfer Day

I was already very apprehensive the night before our transfer for several reasons.  Once the embryologist decides to take you to a day 5 transfer (which is what we did), you do not receive any information regarding your embryos until the morning of your transfer.  So, we didn't know the quality, grade, or how many blastocysts we had until Wednesday morning.  I was so nervous...what if we did not have any embryos or blasts to transfer?

Of course we arrived super early to the clinic because I am the most impatient person ever.  Also, I started drinking water WAY to early.  I was in so much pain by the time the embryologist came in to give us our results that I was more worried about peeing myself than what he had to say.  I was literally sitting down with my legs crossed holding my crotch when we talked with our embryologist.  To make matters worse, we were told we only had 2 blastocysts.  One was a 4BB (average/fair) and the other was a 4BC (eh not the best).  They recommended we place both in.  I on the otherhand, being somewhat distracted by my bladder that was ready to explode,  decided that we would only put one in if we had some to freeze.  The embryologist said we still had 8 embryos that they were taking out to day 6 to see if they could freeze them.  He also said we would have a 50% chance putting one grade 4BB embryo in.  So one it was.  To be honest, I actually want twins but because I have five large ass fibroids, there wouldn't be much room for two, and it could be dangerous.

I then popped my valium and after a couple of minutes I found myself blabbing to the nurse who escorted me to the restroom that I felt great and that this is better than being stoned...blah blah blah (and no I do not smoke pot).  Someone should have put duct tape over my mouth.  I have no business being around people while on narcotics.

After the transfer, I rested several hours at home.  Being the nutcase I am, I decided to Dr.Google anything and everything about blastocyst grades.  I ended up bawling (which is typical of me these days) realizing that my embryos were not the best quality.  One doctor even stated there is only a 17-20% chance of pregnancy with a 4BB. Great...we should have put two in. 

Today we got the final fertilization report.  They were able to freeze 2-4BB blasts, 2-3BB blasts, and 1-4BC blasts.  So five total totsicles which is pretty good.  Seriously though...what the fuck.  Out of 17 eggs I did not get one high grade embryo or blasts.  Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful that we have "BB" as we call the little guy/girl in my uterus now.  I am also thankful we have 5 frozen blasts, but I do feel some disappointment in the quality.  I realize most women do not even get blastocysts or any to freeze, so I know some of you reading my blog may want to slap me.  And I am sorry....I am grateful.