Retrieval

This time around has been significantly different.  I was not in pain.  I did not have many follicles.  I was hardly monitored.  I hardly felt any hope.

8 eggs retrieved
4 fertilized

Day3:
All four still going:
Three 8 cell
One 6 cell

Day 5:
1 3BB Blastocyst (transferred on day 5)
2 morulas

Day 6:
2 morulas did not make it
Nothing to freeze

I am nervous.  I feel nothing.  I know everyone says this.  However, after 6 pregnancies I have become very in tune with my body.  I keep praying for some type of sign.  Nothing. I have had no cramping.  None.  I always have horrible cramping at the beginning of my pregnancies.  I am taking deep breaths, crossing my fingers, and praying.  Lots and lots of praying.

Second IVF

I am currently in the midst of my second IVF.  I am convinced my new clinic is compromised of a bunch of idiots.  I know...I am not being very positive at the moment.

Protocol: Microdose Lupron Flare
Meds:
10 units of Lupron (AM and PM)
3 vials of menopur (PM)
225 units of Gonal F (PM)
23 Units Saizen (AM)
ColQ10
Vitamin D
DHEA
Prenatal
Baby Aspirin
Lovenex (will start after retrieval to replace the aspirin)
Folgard

Day 3 labs:
FSH: 9.5
AMH: .86
9 antra follicles
Not great labs at all!

After Day 2 Stims:
Estrogen: 139

After Day 5 stims:
Estrogen: 560
Follicles: 5 in the 14-15mm range, 2 around 13mm, 1 in the 8mm range

I just don't understand what is going on with my body.  Three years ago I had 20+ follies at this time.  My doctor also has me on a very high dose of meds which I don't understand.  I always thought slow and steady was the way to go.  I feel like my follies are pretty large for only being on stims for 5 days.

I have already had a phone consult with Dr. Surrey at CCRM.  That is how pessimistic I am about my situation.  And the husband will be taking a new job to help pay for all of the out of pocket expenses we will be paying if we go to CCRM.  I hate this shit. I truly hate that some of us have to go through this.  And on top of it we have to deal with freaking idiots for doctors.  I miss my clinic in Chicago.  They were amazing.  Clearly Kansas is not a hub for infertile women seeking out treatment.

I am done bitching.  Until next time.

FET Update

Of the 5 frozen embryos, only 1 made it through the thaw.  The lab claims a 98% thaw rate.  Nobody can understand or tell me how this happened.  4 "good" quality 5 and 6 day blasts all arrested.  Lots of tears were shed with the realization that our family would not be completed with our remaining embryos.

We put 1 embryo in and miscarried on 7-31-14 (Happy f'ing birthday to me).

Pretty much in shock even a month later.

Had my annual infertility labs drawn this month....FSH 9.5 and AMH .86.  Basically my body is wanting to go into menopause at the age of 34.  Again...shocked/numb.  My labs were always perfect, even a year ago.  A year ago my FSH was 3 something and AMH was 2.2.  How is this happening? 

CCRM phone consult scheduled for 10-2-14 with Dr. Surrey.  We have lost hope that any clinic can help us in Kansas City.

The two year break of not having to think about this infertility crap is over.  Just thinking every day of all the other ways that I am blessed so I do not sink back into that dark hole again.   

Second Time Around...

I can't believe it has been a year and a half since I last posted.  So much has happened.  We have moved to Kansas,  both my husband and I changed jobs, I had a myomectomy in July '13, I got pregnant naturally in September '13, I miscarried in November '13, my daughter is about ready to turn 2, and I am gearing up for my first FET!!! Whew! That is a summary of the past year and a half.

I just found myself looking up information from my IVF.  I am so glad I documented everything because I have forgotten so much.  I am currently in the estrogen priming phase of the FET.  I am suffering a horrible migraine, but other than that I am just counting down the days.  My tentative transfer date is July 14th.  We have 5 blasts left that we shipped from Chicago.  I am excited, but ever so cautious.  The odds that I will miscarry are much higher than me actually carrying a healthy baby so I have to be guarded.

I am so happy to see so many of my "blogger friends" either pregnant or have already had another baby!  So much has happened.  Congrats to those of you.  And to those of you still trying...my heart goes out to you.  I hate all of the emotional BS that goes along with treatments.  It took me two years to even think of starting treatments again because I just didn't want to go to "that emotional state" again.  It takes so much out of you.

I will try to update later.  Hugs to you all.

Playing Catch Up

I have been severely slacking on my blog.  I don't have too much time to update, but I wanted to leave you with some of my favorite Halloween pictures.  Yes you read that right...Halloween.  I am only two months behind...

I'm Still Here!

First, I just wanted to say that I am still reading everybody's blogs.  I have taken several months off from blogging, but that doesn't mean that I still don't check in on everyone!

After visiting with one of my "mom" friends back home, she told me that she regretted not writing everything down.  She now has her second baby and she told me she couldn't remember anything from her first.  That got me thinking that I needed to start blogging again!

So how are things?  Busy, busy, busy.  I just can't imagine my life without my little one.  Clara is doing wonderful.  She has quite the personality.  She loves her routine and anything outside of that routine equals a meltdown.

Routine:
7 a.m. : Wake up for the day
8: a.m.: feed then play
9 a.m. : nap until 11 a.m.
11 a.m.: feed then play
12:30 p.m.: 2nd nap for 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.
2 p.m. : feed then play
4 p.m. : nap
5 p.m. : feed then play
7 p.m. : feed then bath
8 p.m. : bed
10 p.m. : sometimes a dream feed depending on how well she ate for the day
2-3 a.m. : feed and put right back down

Sleep:
Our little one was doing so well at night and sleeping until 5 a.m., but then the 3 month growth spurt and wonder week happened.  We knew her sleeping schedule would probably change as we had been forwarned by some of our friends.

Another obstacle as it relates to sleep...Clara began rolling over from back to tummy around 10 weeks.  This was great, except that she ALSO began rolling over while being swaddled at night.  She has been in her crib since 3 weeks, and it was terrifying to look at the monitor to see her face down with her arms bound by her side.  Needless to say we quit swaddling cold turkey at 2 a.m.  Since she is still only three months, she still has her moro reflex so it is nearly impossible for her to sleep at night with her arms free.  The solution: The Magic Sleep Suit.  I am not kidding when I say that this marshmellow man looking suit has been a miricle for us.  Every mom wants to find that perfect solution to get their little one to sleep.  Well this was our solution and it works beautifully.  She naps so well in it and sleeps well at night.  We will transition her out of the suit around 9 months.

Feeding:
I really should write an entire separate post for this and perhaps I will, but I will just summarize our experience.  I have a very small supply since I have PCOS. Tried everything.  Had bloodwork to check prolactin levels, and they are at the level of a non-lactating woman.  Clara started losing weight. Then I became an exclusive pumper. Supplmented one bottle of formula a day.  Tried fenugreek, oatmeal, water, and Reglan.  Very bitter at the pump.  It sucks. The pump gets more attention than my daughter.  Now I have a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance which is making my daughter sick and giving her diaherria.  My OB thinks I am crazy for even still trying.  I realize my daughter will be absolutely fine if I have to resort to formula....probably will feel even better seeing as she won't have to deal with too much foremilk.  I wish there wasn't such a pressure for women to nurse.  It isn't always best.  People who feed their babies formula are not going to have less healthy babies as a result.  It is all BS.  Don't know how much longer I can do this.  End of story.  Can you sense my bitterness with nursing/pumping? Alright next subject...

Milestones:
I try not to get too obsessed with milestones.  I want to be able to enjoy my daughter, not stress out over every milestone met or not met.  It is all relative.  All babies are different.  I will say that the most rewarding milestone is when Clara started laughing and baby "talking".  She is such a happy baby.  My favorite moment of the day is going into her room in the morning and "talking" to her in her crib.  She will just talk away and giggle at me.  It is my favorite time with her.  I will talk to her, she will lift her eyebrows up in understanding, and she will baby talk back to me.  AMAZING :)

Hope everyone is doing well!  I will post again soon.

Clara falling asleep during her 1 month photo shoot.

Baby Clara Elise

First, I want to apologize for my absence the last two weeks.  It is so sweet that some of you were worried, and I feel awful that I haven't been able to update everyone.  My original post was way to flipping long, and to be honest the last two weeks have been somewhat of a blur (mainly due to sleep deprivation). So, I will try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

Backtracking to Tuesday July 3rd, my NST did not go well to say the least.  The baby's heart arrhythmia sounded terrible...almost every fourth beat.  Wednesday July 4th I was confirmed for a last minute c-section the following day at 10:00 a.m.

The c-section itself was pretty uneventful.  There were two OB's performing my surgery due to the possibility of heavy bleeding due to my fibroids which ended up not being an issue.  The doctors were amazing and I just want to hug both of them for doing such a great job in the absence of my entrusted OB who was on vacation.  As far as the baby goes, there was a pediatric cardiologist as well as a NICU team on hand to tend to our daughter as soon as she was born.

Clara Elise was born on July 5th at 11:16 a.m. weighing 7lbs 5 oz.  She was kicking and screaming and absolutely beautiful!  My husband was able to finally hold her after the NICU team checked her over.  The time was short lived before they took her away again.  The cardiologist wanted to perform a 24 hour EKG to eliminate the possibility of a secondary heart block.  On top of the heart issue, Clara had very low blood sugar so was put on IV fluids and fed formula every 3 hours.  The first NICU nurse allowed me to put Clara to the breast immediately, but she did not want to work for any breast milk or the lack thereof because she had already been fed two bottles of formula due to low blood sugar by the time I was able to visit her five hours after my surgery (I will save my struggle with breastfeeding and how I overcame the challenges in my next post).  It was heartbreaking to see her tiny body hooked up to all kinds of machines and an IV. 

The cardiologist met with us on Friday and delivered the great news...CLARA ONLY HAD 20 PREMATURE ATRIAL CONTRACTIONS IN 24 HOURS!!!  This is opposed to having one every four beats while inside me.  The doctor also said that there was no evidence of a secondary heart block. So needless to say I feel very good about having her when I did. I can't even explain the relief I felt.  I couldn't stop crying after receiving the news.  Now the only thing we were waiting on was for Clara's blood sugar levels to rise so that she could be released from NICU and stay with us in the hospital room.

To sum up the rest of our hospital stay, Clara was in NICU for a little over two days.  My husband came down with strep throat somewhere in the middle of that and couldn't visit us for 36 hours after starting antibiotics.  Yes you read that right.  Fucking strep throat...seriously?!  BUT, we were finally able to leave the hospital on Monday with the most precious gift ever :)

The rest of the week was met with many challenges, lack of sleep, and an overwhelming feeling that I have no idea what I am doing.  I realize that these feelings are normal.  I also realize how lucky I am, and I do not take for granted anything that I have been blessed with.  She is precious.

I am leaving you with some pictures that I have taken with my fancy pants DSLR camera that I never really used until now.  Enjoy!

Tummy time not going so well...

Proud Papa

Pediatric Cardiologist

I wish I had a more clear picture of what is going on with our baby girl, but I still feel like I don't quite understand anything.  Last night I got about three hours of sleep before I woke up to go to the restroom.  I then refused to go back to sleep until I could feel the baby move.   Two hours later and with dawn breaking, I finally felt a couple of kicks in a row and went back to sleep.  Feeling movement has become an obsession now that I know there is something wrong with the baby.  I felt as if I was in a coma getting ready for our cardiology appointment this morning.  I don't even feel like I am alive.  The last week has been a very trying time.

"I need to call my collegue and discuss a few things. I will be right back."  This is the response we received from the pediatric cardiologist after an hour long echocardiogram.  I just sat back on the examine table and cried.  We were told at the beginning of the appointment that most likely the baby had premature atrial contractions (PAC's) which will most likely resolve on its own.  It is easy to detect and the cardiologist would have been able to tell right away.  So, I can't even explain the emotion I felt when she had to leave the room to get a second opinion.  Wasn't this supposed to be a simple diagnosis?

The conclusion...they think the baby MAY have PAC's, but there were other things going on that were characteristic of a secondary heart block.  So what is a heart block?  Well, there can be varying degrees of heart blocks that are usually found in a fetus when a mother suffers from an autoimmune disease such as lupus or Sjorgen's disease.  An individual with a third degree heart block will probably need a pacemaker for life and if found in a fetus, there is a 15% mortality rate.  Third degree heart blocks are quite serious and need immediate attention.  Sometimes second degree heart blocks can turn into a third degree heart block.  Heart blocks are very RARE.  However, since heart blocks in a fetus are usually caused by an issue with the mother, I wonder if it is safer to take the baby earlier so as not to make the condition worse?  Since the cardiologist and my doctor are not 100% sure of the issue, I did not get a real answer on this.  To me it seems ridiculous that I would wait until 40 weeks to deliver.  However, the hospital I am delivering at will only deliver before 39 weeks if the PAC or heart block turns into tachyardia (very fast heart rhythm).  The thought is that if it isn't a heart block, then the heart may still develop better in utero.  The baby will have an EKG right after birth and will be monitored.

So, the plan....NST's tomorrow, Monday, Thursday, and the following Monday again before my scheduled c-section on Wednesday.  Also, labs will be drawn on Monday to test for autoimmune disorders.  I have already been tested for the lupus anticoagulant in my recurrent loss panel and to my surprise I actually tested out of range for one of the components.  I never knew this until today while going through the labwork. Therefore, I will be tested again with a different test.  The modified plan....if my NST sounds terrible on Monday, then they will try to bump my c-section to Thursday, July 5th.  It will be performed by someone else in the practice since my OB is on vacation.  I trust my OB fully, so having someone else do my c-section does scare me.  But if we feel it needs to be done, then we will do it next week.

I don't know what to think about all of this and I apologize for this being so long.  All I can do is hope and pray that this is just PAC's and it will go away shortly after birth.  No big deal.  All the worry was for nothing.  God I pray that this is the case.  Until then, the latest our baby girl will be here is in 12 days.  I just have to trust that everything will be okay until then.

Worry

I have been super paranoid this entire pregnancy.  Obviously, my road to parenthood has not been easy.  I worry constantly because lets face it, we have had a lot of heartache.  Throughout this pregnancy I have had this constant feeling that something will go wrong.  So far all of the issues have been "me" related.  I can handle issues with me such as fibroid degeneration and contractions.  The baby has always been great.  Absolutely perfect...until now.

I am not going to go on and on about what happened because to be quite frank, I am tired.  The short of it is that after having very little fetal movement for 3 days, I whipped out my home doppler Tuesday morning to give myself that extra reassurance until my weekly NST on Wednesday.  Something didn't sound right.  The baby's heart rate kept stopping.  I changed the batteries in the doppler, shook it, checked my own heart rate, and checked the baby's heart rate again.  Thump, thump, thump, thump (silence), thump, thump (silence), thump.....My heart began racing and I decided to just finish getting ready for work.  I drank 2 big glasses of juice in hopes that the baby would wake up before work.  I would feel better if she just would start moving.  In the meantime I called to get in to my doctor ASAP.

The NST on Tuesday did not go well and neither did the one on Wednesday.  After seeking opinions out from THREE different doctors, the doctors agreed that our baby has developed arrhythmia.  The weird thing is that most arrhythmia's are discovered in the second trimester because the heart is still immature and by the third trimester or shortly after birth, the arrhythmia goes away.  In my instance, the arrhythmia did not start until after 37 weeks.  Needless to say this is not normal.  About 1-2% of all pregnancies an arrhythmia is discovered, but the majority of these are arrhythmia's that developed in the second trimester and are gone before delivery.  So I again find myself in that lonely category of not being in the majority.  It is a terrifying place to be.

I have to see a cardiologist at Children's Memorial Hospital on Friday.  I have no idea how I am going to make it until then.  I love this baby more than anything.  I am a complete mess.  I know everything can be perfectly okay.  But I can't help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something really is wrong.  And if the baby's heart structure is okay, then I may have to go through testing for such things as lupus, thyroid disease, and infections.  I am just scared.  Please pray for us that everything is okay....

 

Full Term - 37 Weeks

Well, I actually made it!  I can't believe I am full term.  At my weekly OB appointment on Wednesday I received my hospital check-in card that my office hands out in case I go into labor.  It basically has all of my lab results such as iron count, blood type, strep B results, and any complications such as fibroids.  It made everything so official for me :)


Currently my scheduled c-section is July 11th, but I am on the waiting list for the 9th.  I originally thought I was scheduled for the 9th, but apparently not!  Another surprise...I am still anemic.  I have been taking iron supplements since March.  I now have to take two iron supplements everyday.  My doctor tried scaring me by telling me I am already at a higher chance of bleeding due to the fibroids and that he hopes my iron levels increase to avoid a blood transfusion.  I would like to thank my doctor for scaring the crap out of me!!!


Our baby seems quite cozy in her home and I am not dilated at all. My contractions due to my high maintenance uterus have even died down. Therefore, unless my water breaks it really does not appear that I will start labor before my c-section.  It is quite ironic how things work out.  She wanted out desperately at 22/23 weeks and now she refuses to come out!  She sure is stubborn.  I am quite happy with her staying put until the 11th.


37 Weeks:


Weight Gain: 14 pounds


Symptoms: heartburn, nausea, difficulty in catching my breath.  Otherwise, I feel pretty good!  I might get bitch slapped for saying this... but I even slept through the night the past two nights!  I have no back pain, hardly any contractions anymore, and pretty much don't even feel pregnant.  I have no idea what is going on!  Maybe this is the calm before the storm?


What I miss: a nice big fat deli sandwich from New York Deli.  I have been craving one constantly.


Milestone: reaching full- term


Things to look forward to: having my daughter!  I guess I still look forward to my weekly NST's for the next two weeks.  She is still not much of a mover and gives me a good scare at least 2-3 times a week.


37 Weeks, 1 Day Bump Pic

C-Section It Is

I haven't been blogging much because I hate the new blogger set up.  I have noticed that my blogs are quite boring lately, but I used to write them at work when I have time.  Now, due to the new design of blogger, I can't get on blogger at work.  At night I am so exhausted, I find myself just blabbing on and on when writing posts. So I am apologizing ahead of time.

Well....so much has happened since my last blogpost!  First, I forgot to blog about my huge 32 week milestone (or perhaps I was just too lazy to)!  I was scheduled for an ultrasound for a couple of reasons.  First, my doctor wanted to make sure my placenta moved away from my cervix.  Second, I was scheduled for a growth scan due to some concerns about not gaining weight appropriately eventhough I eat like a cow, and because my doctor was worried about the fibroids crowding the baby. Everything turned out great!  The placenta has moved up and the baby was measuring at 4 pounds 5 ounces at 32 weeks (66th percentile).

However, there always seems to be some bad news.  The baby is still breeched.  Actually, the baby is in the exact position she was in at 20 weeks.  She is in a frank breech position with her butt down low, feet by her ears, head jammed up inside my right ribs, and her arms criss crossed in front of her face shielding her from any glamour shots we wanted the doctor to take :) This normally wouldn't be a problem since there is plenty of time for the baby to flip.   In my case, our baby is not flipping.  She is literally wedged between a 10 cm fibroid and an 8 cm fibroid.  She looks plenty cozy with nowhere to go.  I asked the doctor to tell me the chance she would flip.  In normal pregnancies it is 40%.  For me I was told "it isn't happening".  Another ultrasound at 34 weeks confirmed this.  She was in the EXACT position again...butt, feet, head, hands, and all.  I swear I have the most chill baby ever! Must be all that Bob Marley music I am playing her.

So, a c-section it is.  It was supposed to be scheduled for Wednesday, July 4th.  However, my doctor is out of town for the holiday so it is scheduled for Monday, July 9th.  I was hoping that our doctor would bump the c-section up a week instead of back a week, but apparently the hospital I am delivering at has a policy in place preventing any c-sections from being scheduled prior to 39 weeks.  I am not happy about a c-section and scared shitless about the probability that I will go into labor while my doctor is on vacation and a doctor I have never met will have to perform an emergency c-section.  I honestly try not think about any of it.  I have to be thankful for where I am at today.

34 Weeks 

Weight Gain: 12 pounds

Symptoms: tired, rib pain, shortness of breath, emotional, hot all the time (I wonder if this is what menopause feels like)

What I miss: A beer

Milestones: every week is another milestone!

Things to look forward to: weekly NST's, another ultrasound at 36 weeks


34 Weeks Bump Pic


Mother's Day

What really makes one a mother?
Do you physically have to give birth in order to be called a mother?
Do you have to have been pregnant before to be a mother?
Do you have to have living children to be called a mother?
I guess depending on who you ask, the answers may vary.

I know that I consider myself a mother already.  I also know that my parents made it a point to tell me how excited I must be that next year I will be able to celebrate Mother's Day.  It is a shame that I had to remind them twice in the same phone call that I am already a mother.  My three babies may not be here physically with me, but they are being taken care of, and they are hopefully looking down on me smiling as I am looking up at them.  I am not upset with my parents.  I realize that as much as they want to be there for me, the past two years have been difficult on them as well.  It is easier to just be excited about what is occurring now, and push all of the frustration and sadness aside.  Denial is just easier.

However, as I talk more and more about my emotional pain and struggles over the last almost two years, something amazing has started to take place.  Understanding and true empathy.  I had one of my closest friends come over last week.  She has always been a very dear friend to me, but in the past year and half, infertility has driven a wedge between us which we are trying to overcome.  She and her daughter stopped by for a play date with gift and card in hand.  She got me a Mother's day card for those awaiting a baby, but it was what she said before I opened the card that choked me up.  "Now I know you are already a mother...".  I don't know why this was so important to me, perhaps my hormones are completely out of control.  However, she was the first one from the non-infertility world to recognize that and it meant a lot.

Today is a hard day for a lot of my friends.  Either they are remembering what could have been, or they are mourning what they don't have but long for.  I think about and pray for each of them.  I am somewhere in the middle, and it is still difficult. I ask that if you know someone suffering from infertility or loss, that you remember them today as well.  You may not realize how much it truly means to them that you have recognized them on this day as well.

30 Weeks

I can't believe we only have 10 weeks left!  I have been in complete nesting mode.  I have started on the nursery, but there is still a ton of work to do.  Since I am still apprehensive about completing the nursery, I have decided to start redecorating our living/dining space instead.   I don't know what I was thinking.  Anyways, back to my post...

30 Weeks

Weight Gain: 12 pounds

Symptoms: round ligament pain, fatigue, heartburn, constant braxton hicks contractions

What I Miss: Sleep, sleep, and more sleep

Milestones: actually being able to feel parts of the baby whether it is the head or butt (can't tell which) pushing out on my stomach, buying some big ticket items such as infant car seat and stroller/bassinet, and passing both NST's

Things to look forward to: ultrasound in two weeks!

Two weeks ago, we ended up having to go see our doctor due to lack of movement.  I didn't think it was a big deal, but the nurse freaked me out when I called and basically yelled at me.  So in I went for a non-stress test and my first diet coke in 7 months ;)  Everything is apparently fine.  Our baby is just out of room because of these damn fibroids.  I have also been lifted off any bedrest or modified bedrest.  Actually, I was told to begin walking everyday to see if the baby's head will surpass my fibroid.  Basically the large fibroid is blocking my birth canal. This just means more ultrasounds for me! As much as this fibroid has caused me problems such as pre-term labor, it appears that the fibroid is also preventing me from dilating.  It is ironic how things work.  I will leave you with a 30 week pic.  (I apologize for the pink wife beater.  I truly have no idea what I was thinking wearing this shirt in my first pictures, but I am just trying to keep it consistent.  I really do dress better than this.)

Don't Ignore...us

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I have decided to dedicate a post to NIAW's "Don't Ignore Infertility" campaign.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.  Those 1 in 8 could be your sister, brother, daughter, son, best friend, the person standing next to you.  There is a good chance you may not even know, because infertility is an invisible disease.  This makes it easy for others to ignore or dismiss our pain, emotions, our struggles.  However, we are here and we do matter.

Don't ignore that this is a disease.  We who suffer from infertility are told to "just relax" and it will happen.  Infertility is not cured by "just relaxing".  We don't just get pregnant by trying the first month and delivering a baby 40 weeks later.  It is not easy for us.  About 85%-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures and there is no guarantee that they will work.

For those who suffer from infertility, don't ignore your own strength.  We should recognize our own resilience.  To the woman who has had countless fertility treatments with no positive outcome...to those who have had loss after loss with no baby to show for it...to the couples who wake up everyday and think that they can't take any more heartache...you are stronger than you may think.

And to those who may know me personally... please don't ignore me.

Don't assume that since I am now expecting a daughter that I am somehow "cured"...

Don't ignore what I went through...

I was in pain...

I had almost lost hope...

I was scared...

I struggled...

I cried...

I spent countless hours having blood drawn and ultrasounds...

I have had multiple surgeries...

I have had my hopes lifted and then in the same instant crushed...

I have watched others around me have their first child...their second...

As I watched time slip by one second at a time...

I have gained friends, but lost many more...

My marriage has been tested, but it is now more solid than ever...

I have scars on my heart from my previous three losses...

Scars that will always ache...

I wake up every morning and think about how I got where I am right now...

My journey will continue...

The experiences are forever etched into my soul...

Please don't ignore me...for I am 1 in 8.

Home Sweet Home

I had such a great trip back home!  I know I say it all the time, but I truly miss my family and friends.  Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago too, but Kansas is just home for me.

First I will get to the wedding which is what brought us back to Kansas in the first place.  Our good friends finally tied the knot. They already have a son together so this has been a long time coming.   It was a gorgeous wedding and it was so nice to see our friends.  I have to admit is was quite entertaining watching everyone get trashed.  I was pretty much chair bound the entire night, but trust me it is in everybody's best interest that I stay off the dance floor anyways.  I had every intention of taking lots of pictures, but once 8 p.m. rolled around I was ready for bed.  I did manage to make it until ten which I was definitely proud of.

The other half of our visit was traveling around visiting various family and friends.  Now, I must note that I did not have a baby shower due to the fact that I was unsure if I was going to be able to travel later on in pregnancy.  I did have a girlfriend in Chicago offer to throw me a shower, but considering most of my closest friends do not live here and the fact that the two that do are either awkward around me or still have yet to even congratulate/be happy for me, I decided it would be kind of ridiculous to have one here.  Therefore, I was fairly surprised to make out quite well in the gift department this weekend.  Honestly, I was not expecting anything.  I thought maybe I would get some gifts here and there from friends whom I have given baby gifts to, but that has not been the case.   Instead, I had people who hardly knew me giving us gifts.  I was shocked and beyond thankful.  The weekend was like a walking baby shower.  Perhaps everyone thinks I am a charity case, but I think that we just have good people in our lives :).  I have to admit it has been difficult shopping for anything since I am either on bed rest or modified bed rest.  So, I am forever grateful and truly blessed that people actually thought of us.  Hugs to you all!

Also, I am working on my blog post for Infertility Awareness Week.  Should have it posted later this week. 

Since I don't have any wedding pics, I thought I would give a sneak peak of one of the best presents of the weekend. (By the way I have been a die hard Jayhawks fan since I was in grade school, and yes, I did attend the University of Kansas...go hawks!)  Isn't this precious :)

3rd Trimester- 28 weeks!

Holy S&#T  Did I really make it this far already!?  And seriously has it already been three weeks since I blogged?  Ugh....

I have yet reached another milestone that I honestly never even let myself imagine.  I am so truly thankful for each and every day that I am pregnant.  It has been a scary journey thus far, but I can finally see the homestretch.  Every OB appointment my doctor smiles and says "You made it another week...now just get to 32 weeks.  Nothing less".  My doctor has it set in his mind that I will probably go into labor around 32-34 weeks.  I joke with him that the more he says that, the more likely I am to be one of those women that goes 2 weeks past their due date and has to end up being induced :)  I am probably the only woman that would honestly be happy with that for I want my baby girl to bake as long as she can.

28 Weeks

Weight Gain: 10 pounds

Symptoms: heartburn, sore ribs, tired, back/fibroid pain

What I Miss: not having back/fibroid pain

Milestones: passed gestational diabetes, making it to my third trimester, starting the nursery

Things to look forward to:  finishing the nursery, waking up every morning and feeling her kick

I did find out I am apparently anemic.  I have been taking a daily iron supplement which isn't too bad.  I also ended up on bed rest again due to a second round of fibroid pain.  Not nearly as bad as the first time, but I certainly do not wish to relive the experience for a third time.

My husband and I are heading to Kansas for our friends wedding this weekend.  I am super excited that I will actually get to socialize with people!  My OB warned me two weeks ago that he most likely would not let me go.  However, yesterday I had yet another wonderful cervical check and he seemed comfortable clearing me for the trip.  It is only an hour flight and we will be gone 3 days, not a huge deal.  I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends. 

First pic

Wednesday I rode the subway home with my pregnant neighbor.  As we walked backed to our condo, I couldn't help but notice that she was adorably cute with a big round belly.  I was jealous, so jealous.  She is three weeks behind me and she looked so cute.  There is nothing that I want more than to finally be able to walk around with a big baby bump to show the world that I am in fact pregnant.  After almost two shitty years of trying to have a baby, I want to be able to look the part.  Not only do I want to look the part, but I want to feel confident that there is in fact a baby in there and the baby is healthy and growing.

Up until now, there really hasn't been much for me to show.  Well, I think there is finally enough there for me to take a belly pic at exactly 25 weeks.  It is hard to believe that a viable little girl actually lives in my tummy right now, but rest assured she is in there and measuring in the 58th percentile!  I wanted at least one shot to document my journey (mainly for my own memory).  I plan on posting one more closer to my due date when I am hopefully really round and plump.

25 WEEKS

And just for fun...I came across the next picture on my phone which happens to be of my adorable little furbaby. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with my blog post, but I couldn't resist! He pretty much got shaved the other day because he was so matted.  He has been shivering ever since so we got him this cute sweater to wear.  We usually don't dress him in outfits, but seriously he is 5 pounds and so cold! He is cuddling up in my snoogle pregnancy pillow which he thinks is his :)



24 Weeks

First, I wanted to say that I am feeling much much better.  My last bout of fibroid degeneration pain was about four days ago.  When I am not in pain, I feel like a new woman :).  I am currently on "modified bedrest" which means I can go to work when I don't feel as if I am dying, and then I get to be a couch potato.  I went back to work Monday, which was rough, but since then I have been doing okay.
 
24 Weeks

Weight Gain: 7 pounds.  I fully expect this to pick up now that I can no longer work out and since I am not in as much pain!

Symptoms:  Hungry, backache, and fibroid pain.

What I Miss:  Sleep and working out

Milestones: Viability and seeing my tummy move from the kicks

Things to look forward to:  Decorating the nursery.  We have a painter coming and plan to have our furniture delivered in the next couple of weeks.  I have also ordered custom bedding for a super low price which is being delivered.


I am excited for this weekend. We have friends that live out in the burbs and they are coming into the city this Saturday to celebrate.  We are going to grill out, the men are going to have some drinks, and us ladies are going to find something fancy and non-alcoholic to sip on.  I just found out last week they are expecting as well.  I am super excited for them.  It is amazing to me when I look back at last summer and where we both are today.  They came up for my birthday last year and we attended the Southport Festival.  I specifically remember having a conversation about four bars in and at 2 a.m. about how we both were so frustrated that we weren't pregnant yet...if I remember right it may have turned into a bit of a pity party.  And now, here we BOTH are currently expecting.  Their doctor is pretty sure they are having a boy, although it is too early for them to tell for sure yet.  My friend said she is writing up a "marriage contract" for our future babies.  Kinda cute joke :).  Anyways, it will be nice for me to have some human interaction with good friends and hopefully some nice weather...oh, and NO contractions (crossing my fingers)!

Day 8 of Hell

Last night, I reached the realization that I really don't know how much more pain I can take.  I want to educate everyone out there on fibroid degeneration.  It is HELL!  Imagine someone running a knife through your spine and stabbing you continuously in the back...over and over and over again. And imagine this going on for days with no end in sight.  A morphine drip would  be heaven right now.

I am honestly not trying to whine.  I imagine what other women have gone through and who aren't able to carry a child.  However, I am human.  There is only so much any person can take.  To say that I am not severely depressed and under extreme distress is an understatement.

My parents arrived in town yesterday.  It has been nice having someone wait on me hand and foot since my hubby has to work.  My mom stayed up with me the entire night as I bawled hysterically.  On the floor on all fours, arching my back, rocking back and forth to relieve the pain, my mom sat there all night massaging my back as I screamed in pain.  Yes, this has been my life for the past 8 days, minus the personal massage therapist (my mom).

Another week down.  23 weeks....viability.  Now I know many women may strive for that 23/24 milestone, but my milestone is 36 weeks.  As I sat in the OB Triage at Northwestern Hospital Monday morning while the doctors tried to get my contractions under control, we had a pretty frank conversation with the doctor.  If I gave birth at 23/24 weeks, there would still be little chance that our daughter would make it.  If our daughter did make it, there was a 90% chance she would have some sort of disability.  Very grim outcome.  So, that leaves me with no other choice than to hang on for as long as possible...bedrest, pain and all.  And if bitching is the only thing that makes the pain slightly more manageable, then by all means I am going to bitch.

Scared

It was just over two weeks ago that I blogged that I finally felt this was real.  This was going to happen...I was going to have a baby.  It took me 20 weeks to finally feel that way, and I feel that in a matter of hours that joy, relief really, has been taken from me.

This past Thursday at exactly 22 weeks, began like any other day.  Work, gym during lunch, go back to work, and made plans to meet up with a friend after work.  Looking back, there were clear warning signs that something was happening.  However, being that I have never made it this far in a pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal.  I chalked up the back pain to just being pregnant.  I mean afterall, that is normal right?  I chalked the abdominal pressure to the baby possibly shifting and kicking me "down there" causing lots of pressure.  Again, no big deal, my baby is breached.

Like I said, I met up with a friend for dinner and to play with her adorable baby girl.  My husband was on a flight to Ohio, his first overnight trip in months.  As the evening went on I started  to become increasingly uncomfortable.  As my friend and I had dinner I started having some gas pains.  Nothing worrisome, just annoying.  As I walked to find a cab afterwards, I noticed that I was having unrelentless Braxton Hicks.  It was pretty difficult to walk, but I managed to flag down a cab.  When I got home I still was not too concerned and just began chugging water to hopefully relieve the Braxton Hicks.

Fast forward to 3 a.m., I was still suffering from unrelentless Braxton Hicks and the back pain began coming in waves, spasms.  My back felt like it was on fire.  As if things couldn't get worse, the gas pains became so bad that sometimes it was hard to catch my breath.  Maybe the sleep deprivation played some role at this point, but I was 99% sure I had caught an intestinal flu and that it was just causing me to contract.  I spent the rest of the night rocking back and forth, crying and cursing at my husband for traveling, praying for these gas pains and Braxton Hicks to ease up until I could get into the doctor the next morning.

I wobbled into work (with no intention of actually working) and called the doctor right away.  Now I know some are probably wondering why I even went to work.  Well, my doctors office is four blocks from my office so I was going to have to go downtown anyways.  Also, I wanted to be around people.  By this time I was pretty freaked out.  Remember, my husband is out of town and I live in Chicago where the nearest family member is in Kansas City. I didn't go to the ER because lets face it...I have made three trips to the ER in the past two years due to miscarriages and endometriosis pain and all three times they did nothing.  I didn't want to go to the ER if I only had the flu. 

Anyways, I finally got into the doctor around noon (yes it took that long).  I must have looked ridiculous as my doctor walked in.  I was drenched in sweat, no makeup, puffy eyes, and gripping the side of the exam table for dear life.  It took him less than a minute to give me the bad news that I in fact did not have the flu.  I was having full blown contractions.  He immediately checked my cervix to see if I was dilated.  Thank god I have a super star cervix and it was solid.

I will cut right to the point, my fibroids are degenerating. This means that the fibroids are so big that they have cut off their own blood supply.  It causes severe pain, contractions, and can lead to preterm labor if not managed appropriately.  I had been warned of this and it was something my doctor was concerned about.  I was put on medicine for the next 48 hours to stop my contractions and am on complete bed rest.  Monday I have another cervical ultrasound and my doctor will decide what to do from there. If I have menstrual-like cramping at all during this weekend then I am to go in to L&D immediately because that pain most likely means your cervix is being affected.  Hopefully this is avoided because the last thing I want to do is spend the next several months on bed rest in the hospital.

I am only a little over 22 weeks.  I am pretty scared.  My doctor even appeared a little nervous which is unlike him.  I am going to take it day by day.  As I type this blog, I am still having contractions, although the severity has decreased significantly.  For some reason I just feel as if this will all turn out okay.  I don't know how I know that, but it is just a gut feeling I have.  Degeneration can last for a couple of weeks so I am just praying that this passes soon and that our little girl remains healthy.  Who knows, maybe this medicine will work and by Monday I will be back to normal.  As long as my cervix stays solid, then the doctor said the contractions shouldn't bother the baby other than making her a little crankier than normal.  I guess this is a plus for me since I have been feeling her non-stop since Thursday...which I love by the way, even if it means she is cranky :)